Healthy Health Club
about wanting to belong15 total reviews
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Kiwi,
I like this.
I especially love the ending.
Made me smile.
Good descriptions.
You capture being that age well and wanting to belong.
Good image too.
Entertaining.
Great job.
Katie
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2011
  |
Kiwi,
I like this.
I especially love the ending.
Made me smile.
Good descriptions.
You capture being that age well and wanting to belong.
Good image too.
Entertaining.
Great job.
Katie
Comment Written 12-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2011
-
love it when mean girls get what's coming to them. xoxo Kiwi
-
yeah, it's sweet. :)
Comment from missy98writer
kiwi,
your children fiction story titled Healthy Health Club is very written. Excellent narrative, great dialogue and very good descriptive writing. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. A reader can easily relate with Della Calfield's need to belong and fit in. I think being unique and not part of a click should be learned by kids at an early age. I loved how all the nasty clique of girls denied Della in their Healthy Health club and now later the girls are anorexic, married to a mean man, a tall old maids and a bag lady. Goes to show karma is a bitch! I loved this story. I'm smiling wide. I say viva being different to Della.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2011
|
kiwi,
your children fiction story titled Healthy Health Club is very written. Excellent narrative, great dialogue and very good descriptive writing. You managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. A reader can easily relate with Della Calfield's need to belong and fit in. I think being unique and not part of a click should be learned by kids at an early age. I loved how all the nasty clique of girls denied Della in their Healthy Health club and now later the girls are anorexic, married to a mean man, a tall old maids and a bag lady. Goes to show karma is a bitch! I loved this story. I'm smiling wide. I say viva being different to Della.
Melissa.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2011
-
You are a unique wonderful writer and a review like this coming from you has this Kiwi jumping up and down on my bed like I used to do when I was a kid and excitedly happy about something. thank you! xoxo Deborah
-
unbelievable that such an outstanding writer like yourself would give me such a beautiful review. I am the scardy cat writer of stories but I will continue to endeavor to try with such glorious encouragement as this is from you. Warmest thanks for this review. xoxo Kiwi
Comment from Spiritual Echo
An absolutely charming story filled with a child's innocent expectations and regretably her anguish.
This has the fluffy pink clouds of childhood bouying up Della's fifth grade experience. It is written with wide eyed wonder.
I think the inclussion of the fate of these young girls, listed so matter of factly was the perfect antidote for the regret the reader felt for this child.
I believe you missed the word "win" in the last line of the first section...hard work and love will out.......
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2011
|
An absolutely charming story filled with a child's innocent expectations and regretably her anguish.
This has the fluffy pink clouds of childhood bouying up Della's fifth grade experience. It is written with wide eyed wonder.
I think the inclussion of the fate of these young girls, listed so matter of factly was the perfect antidote for the regret the reader felt for this child.
I believe you missed the word "win" in the last line of the first section...hard work and love will out.......
Comment Written 12-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2011
-
No the word "will out" is a phrase that means no matter what comes at you right will conquer all. I want to write children's stories but couldn't figure out endings. This one just happened. Thank you for reading and your generous review. xoxo Kiwi
Comment from animatqua
I think girls ought to be locked up in pickle barrels from about ten years old to at least fourteen. That age group can be so cruel!
Your descriptions of that here was well done. I especially like the typical recounting of the `popular girls' in life after middle school. I only wish those who suffer from their poison could see how predictable their paths are.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2011
|
I think girls ought to be locked up in pickle barrels from about ten years old to at least fourteen. That age group can be so cruel!
Your descriptions of that here was well done. I especially like the typical recounting of the `popular girls' in life after middle school. I only wish those who suffer from their poison could see how predictable their paths are.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2011
-
oh I like the way you think! giggle! 5th grade is when all the jealousy starts ... hormones I think... thank you for the time it took you to read and give me such encouraging and wonderful review.
xoxo Kiwi
Comment from adewpearl
confusing enough but, - confusing enough, but
want to belong and you don't, - add comma
Mr Biggs' class - add apostrophe for possessive
On that faithful day - fateful day
taking applications for new members; - change semicolon to comma
ended up married but, - married, but
What a group of horribly mean girls to offer the narrator hope and then write her such a nasty note.
I love the little follow-up in the end.
Your story makes a great point and is well told. Brooke
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
|
confusing enough but, - confusing enough, but
want to belong and you don't, - add comma
Mr Biggs' class - add apostrophe for possessive
On that faithful day - fateful day
taking applications for new members; - change semicolon to comma
ended up married but, - married, but
What a group of horribly mean girls to offer the narrator hope and then write her such a nasty note.
I love the little follow-up in the end.
Your story makes a great point and is well told. Brooke
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review my work Brooke. I appreciate the errors in punctuation as well. I love poetry but, sure would like to write for kids one day so figured now is as good a time as any to start working on it. lol ... thanks again my friend. You helped me today. xoxo Kiwi
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Kiwi, this is a cute story. The message is clear and the whole story is written engagingly. It fits nicely to the category of children fiction. Things like these do happen.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
|
Hi, Kiwi, this is a cute story. The message is clear and the whole story is written engagingly. It fits nicely to the category of children fiction. Things like these do happen.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
-
Thank you Belinda. I am happy you enjoyed the tale. My first attempt at children's writing... I'm so used to writing about angsty passion, it was more difficult than I thought it would be and yet once I fell into the vibe it happened. Thanks again. for your generous review. xoxo Kiwi
Comment from Sasha
What an absolutely fun, delightful, uplifting story and one that probably most of us can relate to, I know I can. I enjoyed this immensely. Great work with this one. Keep them coming!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
|
What an absolutely fun, delightful, uplifting story and one that probably most of us can relate to, I know I can. I enjoyed this immensely. Great work with this one. Keep them coming!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
-
Thanks Smurph! When I can write stories as well as you do, then I'll have something to shout out to the rafters, meanwhile I am enjoying this tiny step forward...lol xoxo Kiwi
Comment from Veekz
What an awesome tale of hope, heartbreak and self redemption - if only we realized the lesson of not needing to fit in with the 'popular' crowd back when we are at school rather then as adults. Ahhh hindsight.... lol :)
Thought the ending was very fitting and actually very true to life. I know some of the 'popular' crowd from my school days and just off the top of my head I can think of one who had 4 children before she was 21 and another who still thinks very VERY highly of herself and yet I always see her alone, no friends partner nothing.
Great little story, thanks for the fab read :)
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
|
What an awesome tale of hope, heartbreak and self redemption - if only we realized the lesson of not needing to fit in with the 'popular' crowd back when we are at school rather then as adults. Ahhh hindsight.... lol :)
Thought the ending was very fitting and actually very true to life. I know some of the 'popular' crowd from my school days and just off the top of my head I can think of one who had 4 children before she was 21 and another who still thinks very VERY highly of herself and yet I always see her alone, no friends partner nothing.
Great little story, thanks for the fab read :)
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
-
Heck Veekz give me down and earthy any day over "thinking highly of oneself" I don't want to be lonely...lol Thank you for the awesome review and for reading my work. xoxo Kiwi
-
lol me too! I'd much rather people who can have a laugh at themselves :):)
Comment from Ankh
Growing up...I so do not want to sometimes. I would rather be carefree lol. This is a good story hun. The writing is excellent :-)~
Seth x
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
|
Growing up...I so do not want to sometimes. I would rather be carefree lol. This is a good story hun. The writing is excellent :-)~
Seth x
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
-
awww thanks Seth that means a lot to me ... you know how I've been too afraid to write an actual story and then this one came out. hope this sees you well and boys are ok too. huggs xoxo debs
Comment from prophetess
Great story my friend, and oh, so true. I can remember wanting to be part of the "popular" group in school, which I never quite managed, and years later running into one of the girls I so envied who had ended up a prostitute addicted to heroine. True story. Being popular rarely entails being nice, in fact, I think it's a prerequisite that you know how to be mean and bully. Ah yes, fate. I'm posting one shortly on that very subject. Excellent write gf. Love it.
Prophetess
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
 |
Great story my friend, and oh, so true. I can remember wanting to be part of the "popular" group in school, which I never quite managed, and years later running into one of the girls I so envied who had ended up a prostitute addicted to heroine. True story. Being popular rarely entails being nice, in fact, I think it's a prerequisite that you know how to be mean and bully. Ah yes, fate. I'm posting one shortly on that very subject. Excellent write gf. Love it.
Prophetess
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
-
yes you are so right kids and little girls learn bitchiness early sometimes. thanks for having a looksie ... xoxo Kiwi
-
You're welcome lady, always.
