The Impudence of Oranges
Reflective Autobiographical Poetry5 total reviews
Comment from chita
Rating of Chapter 3 - Leaving
You have a good flow with your poem-you are descriptive and write with emotion about what happened when your mother left-the last time you saw her was with a baby on her hip and a cigarette on her lip--and you read Dr. Seuss and ate your samwich--a thought provoking write--great job.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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You have a good flow with your poem-you are descriptive and write with emotion about what happened when your mother left-the last time you saw her was with a baby on her hip and a cigarette on her lip--and you read Dr. Seuss and ate your samwich--a thought provoking write--great job.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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thank you, chita! M:)
Comment from moyramouse
Rating of Chapter 3 - Leaving
I really liked this poem. I can see it is written from the child's point of view ' I read my Dr Seuss/ate my 'samwhich'/drank my orange juice' and then 'Dear Mother'. It is beautifully observed -the child's mother with the 'screen door backed up against her heel' as if she was ready to walk out; the 'baby on her hip' and 'the cigarette on her lip' and then the father pacing the floor with his hands 'thrown down'. Clearly there is a serious conflict going on, such sad lines ' the words I did not understand/but their music, I could feel'
The touches of rhyme hip/lip; heel/feel; day/away give it a delicate touch and the assonance of screen/heel. The repetition of 'thrown down' had a poignant ring of despair and finality, as though the relationship had reached the end.
The choice of 'danced' to describe how mother left led me to think that she had gone off with another man and left her family behind. A beautiful poem that leaves the reader feeling the child's insecurity. xxmouse
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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I really liked this poem. I can see it is written from the child's point of view ' I read my Dr Seuss/ate my 'samwhich'/drank my orange juice' and then 'Dear Mother'. It is beautifully observed -the child's mother with the 'screen door backed up against her heel' as if she was ready to walk out; the 'baby on her hip' and 'the cigarette on her lip' and then the father pacing the floor with his hands 'thrown down'. Clearly there is a serious conflict going on, such sad lines ' the words I did not understand/but their music, I could feel'
The touches of rhyme hip/lip; heel/feel; day/away give it a delicate touch and the assonance of screen/heel. The repetition of 'thrown down' had a poignant ring of despair and finality, as though the relationship had reached the end.
The choice of 'danced' to describe how mother left led me to think that she had gone off with another man and left her family behind. A beautiful poem that leaves the reader feeling the child's insecurity. xxmouse
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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Thanks for a great review, moyramouse. I am glad you liked it M:)
Comment from PoesyPoet
Rating of Chapter 3 - Leaving
WOW! What vivid images are left after reading this dramatically filled poem. The last line was very powerful and made me a little sad. Well done.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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WOW! What vivid images are left after reading this dramatically filled poem. The last line was very powerful and made me a little sad. Well done.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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Thanks PoesyPoet! Much appreciated... M:)
Comment from carl8447
Rating of Chapter 3 - Leaving
Autobigrapical I guess, as always you painted a disturbing picture in a way where you have finesse. You did it so well, it was almost as if I can direct it with a camera crew.
Good work.
Carl
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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Autobigrapical I guess, as always you painted a disturbing picture in a way where you have finesse. You did it so well, it was almost as if I can direct it with a camera crew.
Good work.
Carl
Comment Written 26-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2011
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Thanks again ;)
Comment from JeJo
Rating of Chapter 3 - Leaving
hello Poet,
this is a poignant write from a kid's perspective, not understanding what is going on, but moving on in life.. the mother has left and is gone, either by death or divorce.
The images are clearly painted, and so real the reader steps right into the scene.
The simple things are brought to life: the noon light, the screen door, the cigarette, the pacing, the book, the meal.. all of it is relevant, yet striking.
I like how those things are described.
Then the kid's POV is attached to some things, such as the 'samwich' - a nice touch to indicate the innocence and youth.
The active verbs (backed up/paced/thrown/drank/danced) add the action.
Nice touches of rhyme, consonance, alliteration, and repetition.
one small thing: the first word 'Leaving' makes me think it is just the title.. OR, to me, it almost seems better omitted and just starting with 'the last time..'
This conveys the sense of not-knowing, but almost not-caring..
I like how this portrays that the kid didn't understand what was being said, but could gather the possible sense from the tones, 'their music'..
The ending is strong. This poem has painted a picture that will never leave the reader's mind.
Fantastic work.
All the best, Jen
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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hello Poet,
this is a poignant write from a kid's perspective, not understanding what is going on, but moving on in life.. the mother has left and is gone, either by death or divorce.
The images are clearly painted, and so real the reader steps right into the scene.
The simple things are brought to life: the noon light, the screen door, the cigarette, the pacing, the book, the meal.. all of it is relevant, yet striking.
I like how those things are described.
Then the kid's POV is attached to some things, such as the 'samwich' - a nice touch to indicate the innocence and youth.
The active verbs (backed up/paced/thrown/drank/danced) add the action.
Nice touches of rhyme, consonance, alliteration, and repetition.
one small thing: the first word 'Leaving' makes me think it is just the title.. OR, to me, it almost seems better omitted and just starting with 'the last time..'
This conveys the sense of not-knowing, but almost not-caring..
I like how this portrays that the kid didn't understand what was being said, but could gather the possible sense from the tones, 'their music'..
The ending is strong. This poem has painted a picture that will never leave the reader's mind.
Fantastic work.
All the best, Jen
Comment Written 25-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2011
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Thank you for taking the time to give such an in-depth review. You are right - Leaving is the title so I made edits to make that more obvious. Thanks again - I appreciate you feedback! M:)
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you're welcome! I thought this was a wonderful poem :)
Comment from Blu Rider
Rating of Prologue - My Maidens of Barra
"Upon their births my heart with fret did weigh
That they might not be perfect in their health
But as I watch them grow each passing day
They bless me with a true beloved wealth.
My eldest lass with hair like river's bend
Whose mind is sharp as quill and fast as lark -
This quiet soul leaves all who meet her friend
And touches them with kindness' gentle mark.
My youngest one reminds me of a dream
Of childlike faith in wilder wings aflight
Embraced in thoughts of candy and ice cream
Indulging in her innocent delight.
In all my years I'll never know such pride
As maidens born of Barra do provide."
I love this sonnet - it has an honesty and innocence about it which I find very endearing - from your natural worry at your daughters' births to the obvious pride you have in their developing characters, it's just beautiful to read. My only criticism would be of the last line of the second quartet wherein your shortening of kindness's to kindness' reads as an apostrophe indicating the plural which isn't, so I keep stumbling on it - may I suggest you might use caring's instead? Just a thought - otherwise a really lovely poem and a worthy contender in this contest. Good luck! Regards, Blu
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2011
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"Upon their births my heart with fret did weigh
That they might not be perfect in their health
But as I watch them grow each passing day
They bless me with a true beloved wealth.
My eldest lass with hair like river's bend
Whose mind is sharp as quill and fast as lark -
This quiet soul leaves all who meet her friend
And touches them with kindness' gentle mark.
My youngest one reminds me of a dream
Of childlike faith in wilder wings aflight
Embraced in thoughts of candy and ice cream
Indulging in her innocent delight.
In all my years I'll never know such pride
As maidens born of Barra do provide."
I love this sonnet - it has an honesty and innocence about it which I find very endearing - from your natural worry at your daughters' births to the obvious pride you have in their developing characters, it's just beautiful to read. My only criticism would be of the last line of the second quartet wherein your shortening of kindness's to kindness' reads as an apostrophe indicating the plural which isn't, so I keep stumbling on it - may I suggest you might use caring's instead? Just a thought - otherwise a really lovely poem and a worthy contender in this contest. Good luck! Regards, Blu
Comment Written 21-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2011
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Excellent catch. I will certainly change it, but only because you asked so nicely. M:)
