Reviews from

A Leaf on the Wind

Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Betrayal Part 1"
Autobiography of abuse

12 total reviews 
Comment from medicnate
Excellent
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I'm glad she finally got the courage to confront Mom. Looks like things may be taking a turn for the better. We'll have to see as we read on. The story is sad and riveting. Very good writing.

~medicnate~

 Comment Written 05-Apr-2009


reply by the author on 05-Apr-2009
    This was originally 1 chapter but just too long so I decided to divide it into two. Like I said, it a roller coaster ride....
Comment from Lois Delaney
Excellent
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Finally things are going to change, I hope. This is so disgusting. Your mother didn't deserve you kids. And to put up with the bastard, I really can't understand.

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2009


reply by the author on 07-Mar-2009
    That certainly is the hope. Life doesn't always work out the way you want.
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
Excellent
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Hi Smurphy,

Another captivating read!

A few thoughts follow:

Check the spelling of the word "deviant" in the introductory paragraph.

For some reason, the word "Mommy" as it was used in earlier chapters, is now "Mom." Was there a segue I missed? Perhaps this is intentional by the author, but the use of "Mom" poised against the use of "Daddy" was a bit troublesome for this reader.

I thought "Mommy" authentic in tone. Perhaps the protagonist has grown to an appropriate age adverse to calling her mother "Mommy," but in any event, a progression of thought would be nice here. Further, the author might explain why now the father is still referenced as "Daddy" when mother is not.

The author writes:

"Things got so bad, that at least once a day, I threw a major tantrum. When I entered the room, everyone held their breath, anticipating what I might say or do. I was so consumed with anger there was no room left inside me for any other emotion. I could not escape it, not even when I slept."

Excellent! As you probably know, anger is a deviated expression of PAIN...

The author writes:

"Not this time, no apologies, no promises, he needs to know you mean."

Please edit the ending of the sentence. It is missing a terribly necessary verb.

Smurphy, this story is addictive in its content. Yours is absolutely some of the best writing I have read on FanStory, or anywhere else for that matter.

BRAVA!

Seraph~









 Comment Written 16-Feb-2009


reply by the author on 16-Feb-2009
    Checked, deviant is correct. I changed "he needs to know you mean it"...to "he needs to know you are serious." Does that work better? Again, thanks for all you help.
reply by Seraphim Delphinium on 16-Feb-2009
    Yes, "deviant" IS correct. In the introduction the word is spelled, "devient" -- with an "e." That should be corrected.
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
Good
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Right Valerie, THIS chapter does need some work. I will try to pick my way through it. Please don't be upset by my comments. The CONTENT is fine (if sad and shocking), it just needs er...tweaking a bit.
Paragraph one. I'm not sure that 'hard to believe' is a good phrase. Nothing about what this man has done or does is in any way difficult to believe. If it were me, I would substitute those words with something like 'whilst the relief that I seemed to now be free of the physical abuse, this new behaviour became just as intolerable'.
....bear to be in the same room with Daddy(,) knowing that at any......
.....stick his tongue out and wiggle it suggestively, or make......
....commotion was about(,) and tell me......
"...telling you is true?" Angry, I looked Mom in the eyes and said, "If you......."
..My first thought was 'this was way too easy' - (you could put a thought rather than speech, into italics)
...."nothing is wrong," I told Mom. "You have let him...."
...."adult here," I cried out, "Think of something..."
I had absolutely no idea of how (we were going) to do that....
Keep on going girl, you're doing a fine job!
Blessings
Kat

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2009


reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
    Thank you. I appreciate your commnts and attentin to detail. I will go over those areas you point out and make the corrections you suggest. Again, thank you.
Comment from jodeecee
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Yesssss! finally, maybe something will happen. I am very engaged in your book. well told.

The more I complained about Daddy/,/ the bolder he became.

The sound of a door opening, the familiar creak in the /floor in the/ hallway told me someone was up. On more than one occasion/,/ when I got up to check on the noise, I found Daddy sneaking into the girls' room.

Not this time, no apologies, no promises, he needs to know you mean business." /this time."/

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2009


reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
    Thank you very much. I am sincerely pleased you like this chapter. I am humbled by the 6. I will address suggestion you noted.
Comment from laurelp
Excellent
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I can't believe a psychiatrist would not call in the police on this. Instead, he chooses to have a family meeting. It is obvious he doesn't know or is as bad as the father.

 Comment Written 13-Feb-2009


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2009
    You have to remember this was the mid 1950s. In many places it wasn't even considered a crime...also everyone made it very clear I was a liar, not to be believed. Today, the rules are different. Thank you for your comments, they are sincerely appreciated.
reply by laurelp on 13-Feb-2009
    That is the issue. I am looking at it with a 2009 mentality. I forgot you and I are the same age so we were both children. But, I don't care if there are laws or not, this is not right or legal. It is an immoral thing to do to any child. And, to be honest, your mother was no better. Closing her eyes to everything. Shame on her too.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2009
    That is one of the reasons I wanted to write this book. Too many born into today's rules are unaware of what it was like for those of us who had to deal with this when there were no rules. We've come a long way but we still have far to go.
Comment from penelope
Excellent
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Hello, Smurfgirl,

Your lovely bio picture is so at odds with what I just read. Not only is the father a despicable pig - there's no, absolutely no excuse. I'm also very annoyed with the mother - it makes my blood boil. To make matters worse, I'm just watching Hells Kitchen, or whatever the English equivalent is, that film about the four boys from Hell's Kitchen who are sent to a reform school and abused by the wardens. Your writing is so good if it can evoke such emotions. I didn't spot any errors. Penelope

 Comment Written 13-Feb-2009


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2009
    Thank you for your kind words. The bio picture is a self portait I did of myself from an old photograph taken when I was three years old.
reply by penelope on 13-Feb-2009
    So you're a talented artist as well. I love that kind of art. P
Comment from Gip7
Good
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This is really a sad and horrific situation scarring children for life, causing hypervigilance as you describe in one of the paragraphs where you say you never sleep soundly. The fact that the mother 'looks the other way' is just as bad as what the father is doing, in my estimation. I have not read your other chapters, but I'm sure they are as well-written.
One thing I noticed missing though (for me as a reader) is not knowing the ages of the girls (but you might have put that in earlier). I'm still getting used to how this site works with chapters, so forgive me.
Punctuation: (Some feel it necessary and some do not care -- so use this or not -- whatever is good for you right) now): Line: 'Mom,whatis wrong. . .' you need a question mark after 'you'
Line: 'Don't you fu. . .' going is missing an i, and it should not have question at end of sent, but a period
You have DON'T! and WILL further down. Perhaps you might want to use italics instead with will, and with don't you already have an exclamation mark to stress yelling.
Line: 'I was completely . . .' 2nd sentence - at the end after 'easy' reverse the punctuation to read ."
Line: 'For God's sake . . .' You need quotes before 'think'
Last para: 3rd Line -- '. . .she will outgrow it." reverse your punctuation
Last line: somehow is one word.

I really like this and look foward to reading the entire story eventually. Thanks.


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 Comment Written 13-Feb-2009


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2009
    Thank you for your review. Yes, comments, corrections and suggestion are always welcome.
reply by Gip7 on 13-Feb-2009
    You are welcome and I'm glad you feel that way Smurphgirl -- me too! Gip
Comment from Arkine
Excellent
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Well this certainly seems to be a change of events. Hopefully for the better, though I wonder if they are going to try and commit Valerie, rather than talk about the abuse. One thing that I noticed:

I said. ["]It is not enough that you talk to him.

 Comment Written 13-Feb-2009


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2009
    Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your correction and will take a look at that sentense again....
Comment from Captain Jack
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

These stories about incest depress me to no end, but it's something that needs to come out in the open. I can't imagine the suffering. Powerful way you convey the horrific situation. Especially the hopeless feelings and lack of support from other family members. Then the mother's wavering and apparent willingness to help. And how you interweave it with a very good plot keeps the pages turning.

Great job. Very clean writing. I only found one little glitch:

cried out. Think of something!" (missing quotations marks before 'think')

~ Rhein

 Comment Written 13-Feb-2009


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2009
    Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your opinion. I will check out the sentences you noted and make the corrections. Again, thank you.