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30 total reviews
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I think this is really good. I love your style of writing. The dialogue read nice and smooth. This isn't packed with too much detail, yet it has enough to paint a good picture. I enjoyed the read!
A few things I picked up on...
I think (bit could be wrong) Wonder Bra is two words - not one.
Without my knowledge, I?ve been sprayed = (the ending is passive voice)
Maybe I?m just meant to be a spinster = (passive voice in the beginning)
But(,) doesn?t that make me some kind of sexual deviant if the only way I get aroused is to listen to the sex-capades of my friends? = Missing a needed comma
When we went on our date(,) (drop ( mark and put it in italics) no surprise we went to the fair, he was so repulsive that I could not stick around long enough---
I am quickly brought back = Passive voice
But(,) when I hear the words ?speed dating?
I am greeted by a voice that sounds = passive voice
I go to the website (which = that) = using which makes a comma needed between website and which (website, which)
It with a root canal later? kind(s) of nights
I threw the covers off of me with the force of a woman who fully intends to take it outside if need be.
Tongue-tied, arm(-)flailing octopus.
I love Pat Benatar?s music when I was younger!
This isn't Brad(;) this is my roommate Pete.
***
Thanks for sharing. Great story...
Candy
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Comment Written 30-Oct-2007 |
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reply by the author on 30-Oct-2007
Thanks so much for your helpful comments-it's not often that I get one so thorough. I was editing it as you wrote, I guess, and caught a few that you mentioned, but not all. I just went back and revised some of what you mentioned. I'm not sure how to deal with the passive voice but I will ponder that for a while. Thanks again for your help!
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Comment by | | You mean I can put whatever I want here? | | | I am better than Nabokov (I like that!) | | | Poet Rating
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Comment by | | I am incapable of conceiving infinity, | | | and yet I do not accept finity- S.deB. | | | Author Rating For Short Works
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This is a very well written an humorous piece! I laughed out loud several times while reading, despite the fact that I'm sitting in my little cubicle on the crowded floor of an office building. Your last line, in particular, is fantastic! It ties everything together perfectly.
I think you've developed a great character with Toni, and I could relate to her trials and tribulations very well. Mostly her tribulations, of course!
One little nit - when you describe Toni dressing in the first paragraph, you say she put on a wonder bra. Are you referring to the brand Wonderbra? Or is it just a really fabulous bra? If it's the brand, it should be capitalized and all one word.
Great work, I enjoyed every word!
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Comment Written 29-Oct-2007 |
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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2007
Thanks so much...and yes, you are right, it should be Wonderbra. Thanks!
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Hi,
Brilliant I loved this. It made me smile then titter and finally laugh out loud!
You have well made characters that gel together in your settings. The dialogue is fresh and the funny bits are genuinely funny. 'Lucky panties?' that just has to be the line of the week - so far!
It was a delight to follow Toni as she plummetd down in the depths to finally see her come up and fix herself with Pete.
As a short story this bodes well, I can see you working this in as a theme in a book, expanding it of course and throwing a few more self effacious gits for Toni to deal with along the way.
Well done
david
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Comment Written 29-Oct-2007 |
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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2007
Thanks so much for your review.
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reply by ddsaar on 29-Oct-2007
Hi.
Sorry but I have to know - lucky panties?'
They exist?
David
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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2007
Too funny! Well, I'm not sure about that...this was an offshoot of the "best panties" concept, which is where women decide before they go out with a guy whether the panties will be seen (if it's a definite yes, then the prettiest panities are worn). But I shouldn't be giving away our secrets!
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reply by ddsaar on 29-Oct-2007
Lol.
This is great and it has given me an idea for a wee story, If I can get it down on paper would you mind taking a look at it?
I might need some help here ,as believe it or not I am not well versed with panties...boxers yes!
David
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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2007
Sure, no problem. I'd be happy too:-)
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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2007
Whoops...I hate when that happens...realized there was a SPAG right as it was headed out. I meant to say, I'd be happy to.
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reply by ddsaar on 29-Oct-2007
ok great...watch this space...I have a business trip to the Oman so it wil give me a chance to write it this is fun huh!
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I really thought this was a great story right up to the finally but the ending I didn't like. I wanted more and I think it ended too soon. I actually thought at one time it was going to be a girl in love with another girl story. The ending I thought was very weak. I loved the rest of it but I wish there was more for me to give you a better rating. Thanks for the laughs.
tlpactor
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Comment Written 29-Oct-2007 |
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