The Curse of 'Gator Bayou
A young Cajun girl struggles to survive.6 total reviews
Comment from oliver818
Rating of Chapter 9 - A Night Out in Baton Rouge
Ok so I admit I haven't read the earlier chapters, but I enjoyed that. Interesting characters, good plot, I think I'll be looking out for more. Thanks for
Posting
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
Ok so I admit I haven't read the earlier chapters, but I enjoyed that. Interesting characters, good plot, I think I'll be looking out for more. Thanks for
Posting
Comment Written 07-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Oliver, thank you for reading my story. I am glad you found it interesting. It was written rather fast since I recently had back surgery and could not sit for very long. I will continue with the story hopefully soon.
Jo
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Rating of Chapter 9 - A Night Out in Baton Rouge
Good story. You should post your own picture. When I look for something to read I always look at the picture to see if I read it before. I know I've passed this story three times because I recognize the picture.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
Good story. You should post your own picture. When I look for something to read I always look at the picture to see if I read it before. I know I've passed this story three times because I recognize the picture.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Thomas, for your good suggestion. I'm not sure of your comment. Should I post my profile picture or a picture for the story?
Jo
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A picture for your story is the one readers see. Google is full of them.
Comment from KyColonel Randal
Rating of Chapter 9 - A Night Out in Baton Rouge
This sounds like the beginning of an interesting adventure. I have made some proofreading observations:
"get something to eat then we will see" > eat, then we will
"drinks freely flowed,quite both the ladies" > flowed, both of the
"Evie laughed" > laughed.
"Of course ,you should" > no comma
So does Evie's fling speak more to her character or Renee's? Is it for character or plot development? These were the questions in my head as I finished reading this selection. Thank you for sharing. I'll be looking for the next installment.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
This sounds like the beginning of an interesting adventure. I have made some proofreading observations:
"get something to eat then we will see" > eat, then we will
"drinks freely flowed,quite both the ladies" > flowed, both of the
"Evie laughed" > laughed.
"Of course ,you should" > no comma
So does Evie's fling speak more to her character or Renee's? Is it for character or plot development? These were the questions in my head as I finished reading this selection. Thank you for sharing. I'll be looking for the next installment.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Randal, thank you so much for your proofreading and suggestions. I will go back and fix. I'm afraid I wrote this chapter after my back surgery and wasn't maybe totally "with the program, yet.." :o) As for Evie, this chapter speaks more for Evie's character and will fall into place later into the story.
Jo
Comment from H.Buttercup
Rating of Chapter 9 - A Night Out in Baton Rouge
The 2nd paragraph is a little confusing because it doesn't state who is talking. Is it Evie the whole time?
Sever of the paragraphs seem rushed through, almost like you're trying to get it out of the way to get to the part you're more excited about (trust me, I've been there). Take your time and add more detail. Make the wording flow seamlessly.
There was one piece in particular that sort of jumped from one spot to the next, where Evie went home with the stranger. It went immediately from them being in the car to them being in his house. How long did it take to get there? Was the car ride awkward? Did spencer smell good as she sat next to him?
The idea itself is good. Who is spencer? What's with the tattoo? Is he a bad guy? I like the mystery of it.
Just don't rush past the details, they are just as important as everything else in the story!
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
The 2nd paragraph is a little confusing because it doesn't state who is talking. Is it Evie the whole time?
Sever of the paragraphs seem rushed through, almost like you're trying to get it out of the way to get to the part you're more excited about (trust me, I've been there). Take your time and add more detail. Make the wording flow seamlessly.
There was one piece in particular that sort of jumped from one spot to the next, where Evie went home with the stranger. It went immediately from them being in the car to them being in his house. How long did it take to get there? Was the car ride awkward? Did spencer smell good as she sat next to him?
The idea itself is good. Who is spencer? What's with the tattoo? Is he a bad guy? I like the mystery of it.
Just don't rush past the details, they are just as important as everything else in the story!
Comment Written 03-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Thank you so much, Buttercup, for your close reading of my story. Yes, you are correct. This chapter reads more like a first draft than a completed chapter. I do often have problems with just wanting to get "to the facts." LOL. But I will definitely go back and plump up the details since this chapter is important for understanding the events of the story in later chapters. My only excuse :O I was trying to get something down just after my back surgery and could not sit for a long period. Hey, no excuse...I needed your three stars. Thank you. Jo
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Lol oh I definitely understand. I've been there. Then when I re-read my work I'm thinking "what the" lol. It's more fun to get to the exciting parts! I hope my review helped and that it wasn't too harsh!
Comment from MizKat
Rating of Chapter 9 - A Night Out in Baton Rouge
Hi JustJo,
Your story was very interesting to read.
I found one mistake in lines 2 and 3 because you didn't put a space between them when one girl talks, then the other one does. (All the other parts have a space between them.)
In about 22 lines down from 2 and 3 you wrote this line: As the night tarried and the drinks freely flowed,quite both the ladies became quite intoxicated. (Switch it to say: As the night tarried and drinks freely flowed, both ladies became quite intoxicated. You don't need the word "quite" twice.) OR you could say "both of the ladies became quite intoxicated."
Otherwise your story is perfect.
Kat
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
Hi JustJo,
Your story was very interesting to read.
I found one mistake in lines 2 and 3 because you didn't put a space between them when one girl talks, then the other one does. (All the other parts have a space between them.)
In about 22 lines down from 2 and 3 you wrote this line: As the night tarried and the drinks freely flowed,quite both the ladies became quite intoxicated. (Switch it to say: As the night tarried and drinks freely flowed, both ladies became quite intoxicated. You don't need the word "quite" twice.) OR you could say "both of the ladies became quite intoxicated."
Otherwise your story is perfect.
Kat
Comment Written 03-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Oops, looks like I forgot to remove "quite" when changing a line. Thank you for finding it. I'll go back and fix the errors.
I appreciate your input into my story.
Jo
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I'm happy to hear that you don't mind me pointing out your errors. I'd be pleased if you'd help me too. Kat
Comment from lancellot
Rating of Chapter 9 - A Night Out in Baton Rouge
Hmm, it is interesting but sparse. I think there was more going on at that apartment. I guess you're saving that for later.
notes:
"Sally, I called Renee's office. Some silly girl at the desk told me he was out on some kind of case. I left him a message we'd be shopping and spending the night."
"Aw, Sally it feels good to be in town. What do you want to do first?" Evie asked.
-Are both of these lines by Evie?
"I haven't danced in ages. [add space]"Evie replied. "Renee is such a stick in the mud he never wants to have fun anymore." Evie pouted.
Do you believe in curses, Evie?"
-add space-
"Ugh...I'm not sure." Evie smiled coyly.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
Hmm, it is interesting but sparse. I think there was more going on at that apartment. I guess you're saving that for later.
notes:
"Sally, I called Renee's office. Some silly girl at the desk told me he was out on some kind of case. I left him a message we'd be shopping and spending the night."
"Aw, Sally it feels good to be in town. What do you want to do first?" Evie asked.
-Are both of these lines by Evie?
"I haven't danced in ages. [add space]"Evie replied. "Renee is such a stick in the mud he never wants to have fun anymore." Evie pouted.
Do you believe in curses, Evie?"
-add space-
"Ugh...I'm not sure." Evie smiled coyly.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Thanks, lancellot, for your proofreading notations. I will go back and correct. I appreciate your input.
Jo
Comment from Walu Feral
Rating of Chapter 8 - Lies
G'day Jo. Ah, yes, now I get to follow our story again.
"Chapter 8-Lies and Goose Chases" (You only have "Lies" in the title, maybe add "Goose Chases".)
"Small towns had a way of getting information spread faster than any newspaper." ( You've got that right.)
"Yes Sir, I think he kind of thought of me like a dad." ( I noticed the first couple of "Sirs" were not capitalized. You might want to capitalize them for direct address and consistency.... I can't believe I just said that! lol. I'm the worst at it.)
"No, No (S)sir...only what I told you."
"but one could never tell when it came to stealing a man's wife." (We, the Nyamal, used to spear them through the thigh and banish them.)
"Okay, (S)sir. I will," Deputy Pierre replied."
"The city of Houma had taken its name from a village called Chufuhuma or 'Red House' from the Houma tribe." ( An interesting bit of history there. Also shows a bit of respect on the authorities part for the tribe.)
"The front yard had a huge blackened cast iron pot in the center of the yard." ( I would drop the last "yard" and replace it with "it.")
"stood a round - faced(,) pretty(,) dark haired woman with bright red lips and dark eyes."
"Go away, who are you? You are trespassing on my land," the short man called in French." ( A friendly bugger.)
"I don' know, (S)sir.
"Okay(,) Mr. Courteaux, I think that is all I need to ask you."
"Evangeline giggled and whispered drunkenly to her- self(herself) as she"
"Renee moved aside and Evie huffed, drunkenly up the stairs swaying from side to side."
As if he didn't have enough on his mind and now he has to worry about his wife. Shame.
Another very interesting chapter, mate and some nice history lessons as well.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
G'day Jo. Ah, yes, now I get to follow our story again.
"Chapter 8-Lies and Goose Chases" (You only have "Lies" in the title, maybe add "Goose Chases".)
"Small towns had a way of getting information spread faster than any newspaper." ( You've got that right.)
"Yes Sir, I think he kind of thought of me like a dad." ( I noticed the first couple of "Sirs" were not capitalized. You might want to capitalize them for direct address and consistency.... I can't believe I just said that! lol. I'm the worst at it.)
"No, No (S)sir...only what I told you."
"but one could never tell when it came to stealing a man's wife." (We, the Nyamal, used to spear them through the thigh and banish them.)
"Okay, (S)sir. I will," Deputy Pierre replied."
"The city of Houma had taken its name from a village called Chufuhuma or 'Red House' from the Houma tribe." ( An interesting bit of history there. Also shows a bit of respect on the authorities part for the tribe.)
"The front yard had a huge blackened cast iron pot in the center of the yard." ( I would drop the last "yard" and replace it with "it.")
"stood a round - faced(,) pretty(,) dark haired woman with bright red lips and dark eyes."
"Go away, who are you? You are trespassing on my land," the short man called in French." ( A friendly bugger.)
"I don' know, (S)sir.
"Okay(,) Mr. Courteaux, I think that is all I need to ask you."
"Evangeline giggled and whispered drunkenly to her- self(herself) as she"
"Renee moved aside and Evie huffed, drunkenly up the stairs swaying from side to side."
As if he didn't have enough on his mind and now he has to worry about his wife. Shame.
Another very interesting chapter, mate and some nice history lessons as well.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 15-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Fez, for catching all my goofs in this chapter. I will go back and correct. I have had some really bad pain lately with my back. I can't sit for very long spells. I'm having surgery Aug. 01 (Monday), hopefully, to correct the problem. I'm afraid they said I would have to be flat on my back for probably 2-6 weeks. I'm not sure how much time I'll be on the computer but will get back to the story and FB asap.
Jo
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Hopefully, they can fix the problem for you. Thre's not much worse that back pain. Good luck for Monday.
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Thanks, Feral. I'll be back...it might be a little while. ;o)
Jo
Comment from prettybluebirds
Rating of Chapter 8 - Lies
Excellent. Great story interesting and action filled. I am sure he will find the one who killed Pat. I will watch for more of this story. I could find no errors. Good work.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
Excellent. Great story interesting and action filled. I am sure he will find the one who killed Pat. I will watch for more of this story. I could find no errors. Good work.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my story.
I have had some really bad pain lately with my back. I can't sit for very long spells. I'm having surgery Aug. 01 (Monday), hopefully, to correct the problem. I'm afraid they said I would have to be flat on my back for probably 2-6 weeks. I'm not sure how much time I'll be on the computer but will get back to the story and FB asap.
Jo
Comment from Wabigoon
Rating of Chapter 1 - 'Gator Bait
Jo--
You are redoing the story I take it? This is well done. The writing's colorful and I think you have improved your proofreading from what I recall. Formatting's maybe still a bit of a problem:
explain everything later."
**********
It took Sheriff Renee about thirty m
Maybe this works for a break between sections. Maybe it could be better somehow?
Only one "real" mistake I saw:
He looks more like an undertake(n) than the -- this could be but I think you mean "undertaker."
Thanks, enjoyed it.
Wabigoon/Jeff
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
Jo--
You are redoing the story I take it? This is well done. The writing's colorful and I think you have improved your proofreading from what I recall. Formatting's maybe still a bit of a problem:
explain everything later."
**********
It took Sheriff Renee about thirty m
Maybe this works for a break between sections. Maybe it could be better somehow?
Only one "real" mistake I saw:
He looks more like an undertake(n) than the -- this could be but I think you mean "undertaker."
Thanks, enjoyed it.
Wabigoon/Jeff
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thanks ,Jeff, for your help with my chapter. I will go back and correct typo. I appreciate your comments.
Jo
Comment from c_lucas
Rating of Chapter 8 - Lies
Cheating spouses should be hung low over an alligator pit. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
Cheating spouses should be hung low over an alligator pit. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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Thanks, c lucas, for reviewing my chapter. Evie is a very spoiled brat.
Jo