Resolving Grief by dejohnsrld (Debbie) Non-Fiction Writing Contest contest entry |
After a serious accident that resulted in the amputation of my left leg, I went through three years of emotional turmoil, which at the time, I could not explain. Sadness, anger, etc., are completely inadequate to describe the state I was in. I blamed myself for not being able to cope with the changes in my life. This led to intense feelings of guilt relentlessly plaguing me for several years. It wasn’t until nearly ten years later, when I decided to write the story of this time period, that I began to understand my feelings were entirely natural considering the events that had occurred. Writing it was a long and painful process as I struggled through reliving the events of those first three years. As I wrote about the ongoing illness, a dozen surgeries, intense pain, weeks of hospitalization as well as loss of my career, income and nearly my house, I began to realize it was as if my life had died but my physical being continued to go on. We are often told to get over it, snap out of it, get it together, and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps when we are grieving. Society does not like to accept the profound effect of grieving in our lives and the necessity of doing so in order to recover and heal after major changes or losses. Our grief is difficult for others to understand and accept as it makes them uncomfortable. Besides the physical and psychological trauma occurring,grief often leads to loss of friendships as well. When we most need help, relationships evaporate, resulting in a lonely trip on the journey through grief. The first studies on grief were conducted in the 1960’s with the work of American Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book,' On Death and Dying', which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. This continues to be the most widely accepted work on grief to date. Grief occurs with many events beside terminal illness. Death of someone with whom you have a relationship , change in employment or social status, divorce or loss of a friend, and substance abuse can all result in grief. Although grief is different for each person and each event, they do share similarities which Kübler-Ross’ model describes as five stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages may overlap or move back and forth with a certain stage recurring over and over. The time spent in each stage varies and sometimes acceptance is never achieved, leaving the griever ‘stuck’ in one of the other stages. Denial is simply the refusal to accept an event, such as:
Anger is feeling the event is punishment or unfair and lashing out at others who could be responsible. Sometimes this is a person, sometimes it is God. Sometimes it manifests as self-blame.
Bargaining is the desire to give something on your part in exchange for a positive outcome to a situation:
Depression comes as one realizes that bargaining won’t work. It is usually exhibited as profound sadness, loss of hope, and feeling out of control. The feelings of powerlessness/failure/guilt are common. Acceptance is realizing the situation won’t improve and trying to make the best of it. Therapy, substance abuse treatment, increased spirituality, appropriate self-care, and a strong support system are important to reaching acceptance. Those who don’t go through the stages and reach acceptance become angry and bitter people, forever depressed and unhappy. They are unable to return to a normal life or once again find happiness and fulfillment. With a progression through the stages of grief, it is possible to become a happier and stronger person. I have seen this in my life and hope others are able to find this gift in theirs. And please remember when others are grieving, your unconditional positive regard will mean so very much. I needed people to support me during this time. Too often, friends and family turn away rather than accpt who we are at that time, and the grieving person is left to suffer alone. When we help others, we help ourselves. ~~*~~
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