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CHARACTERS:
HE: 28. Unattractive. Jeans and a muscle shirt
SHE: 76. Wrinkled and grey. Housecoat and slippers.
SETTING: A bare stage except for a comfortable chair SR and an end table with a telephone
book on it. A rocking chair SL has an end table with a fruit bowl, phone and
knitting basket .
AT RISE: Two spotlights, one on each chair. SHE is knitting. HE enters SR with a cell
phone, picks up the phone book and chooses a page at random, sits, dials
a number. SHE hears her phone ring and answers. Her voice is young, friendly
and full of life in spite of her age.
SHE: (picking up a phone that just rang) Hello. (silence) Hello a second time.
HE: (heavily breathing into his phone.)
SHE: Oh dear! You have the wrong number. Dial 9l1.
HE: You were so hot last night.
SHE: I’m sorry?
HE: Your mouth on mine.
SHE: I get it! You need artificial respiration.
HE: What?
SHE. Give me your address. I’ll call 911.
HE: Lady-- I mean-- honey, I’m fine. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt you last night.
We were at it for a solid two hours. You’re a great –
SHE: Oh geez, you’re one of those.
HE: One of what?
SHE: A dick weed.
HE: I love it when you talk dirty. Say, Sweetheart, did I leave my jock strap in your bed?
SHE: What’s it look like?
HE: You’re kidding.
SHE. I have twenty in my basement right now. Describe it.
HE: Never mind.
SHE: If you want it back, send me money for shipping and handling.
HE: (seductively) I stole your black lace panties. I’m sniffing them right now.
SHE: Really? I only rinsed them after my last bout of diarrhea.
HE: You’re crazy, lady. How old are you anyway?
SHE: Twenty something. And you?
HE: That’s confidential information.
SHE: What do you weigh?
HE: Huh?
SHE: (louder) What do you weigh?
HE: One hundred and eighty. What’s it to ya?
SHE: Check the scales tomorrow.
HE: I don’t understand.
SHE: (primly) I should have told you from the start. I’m a Christian. When I ask, God answers.
Tonight I’ll pray your body parts fall off.
HE: May you grow old and wrinkled!
SHE: Too late. (hangs up) I love these calls. They make my day.
Curtain.
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