Background: Two robbers with a briefcase full of money wait
for their partner in a condemned house, inhabited by six female
misfits. Three renters help themselves to money when briefcase
is left unguarded. A car accident kills getaway man. Mickey
opens case, finds money gone, accuses Mack of double cross.
The women confess they stole the money. Mickey suspects there
might be more loot in the padlocked freezer in the basement,
He tells Mack to break into it. Frantic landlady Sarge shocks
Everyone by confessing she put her husband in the freezer.
MICKEY
You murdered your husband!
SARGE
No! No! I didn’t kill him.
LOONY
Emergency group therapy. Spill it , Sarge. You had a fight. Pushed him
downstairs. His head hit cement. Craack! Blood oozed from --
SARGE (sobbing)
Stop it, Loony! I loved the Colonel. We never fought. Not once in twenty-seven
years. And we were so excited about finally leaving the military and buying our
own place.A fixer-upper, but it was cheap, and the Colonel loved to paint and
hammer. He worked so hard for three months – too hard. He started painting
the parlor when it happened. Then he-he had a heart attack.
FRIEDA
And you didn’t bury him properly?
SARGE
I couldn’t afford a coffin. So I put him in the freezer, and let everyone
think he’d gone back into the service. He’s very comfortable. I put
a satin pillow under his head and covered him with our honeymoon
blanket.
MICKEY
You telling me you have a corpse in this house?
MACK
Ain’t that against the law?
CRYSTAL
That’s why you wear ze boots. You be living tombstone!
FRIEDA
That’s why you had to take in boarders.
SARGE
It was the only way I could pay the bills. I had to hire someone to fix so
many things.
CRYSTAL
I am thinking it not be good to have rats biting wires in basement. Does
not freezer have electric cord? Good for chewing?
(A knock on the door. They all start.)
MICKEY
Strychnine, check the window.
FRIEDA
It’s that pesky Officer Buddinski again.
SARGE
Do you think he’s suspicious?
FRIEDA
The postman just came too. He’s giving our mail to Buddinski! Buddinski’s
looking through it! What unmitigated gall! Oh, he’s getting ready to knock
again. Stop crying, Sarge. Here-- put a flower in your hair.
(She grabs one from vase.)
OFFICER (O.S.)
Mrs. La Belle, I have something for you.
MICKEY (to SARGE)
Well, ain’t this dandy. I don’t have to worry about no funny stuff now. You don’t
want no cop pokin’ around your house either. But just to be sure, I’m taking
gypsy girl into the kitchen as hostage. Come on, Mack. Grab the briefcase.
(MICKEY grabs CRYSTAL, exits to kitchen. MACK follows
with the case. SARGE wipes her eyes, puts flower in hair,
opens door and becomes flirtatious southern belle.)
SARGE
Officer Buddinski. Twice in one day? I’m beginning to think you have a crush
on me. Whatever would the Colonel think?
OFFICER
Well, you’re right pretty, Ma’am, but I have a special lady already.
SARGE
So why are you all here?
OFFICER
Your wallet, Ma’am. Seems you dropped it at the grocery store this afternoon.
(Takes it from back pocket, hands it to her.)
SARGE
My, oh my. So I did. Who found it?
OFFICER
The cashier. I was buying doughnuts and offered to bring it here..
(Edging way in, he puts his cap on table, sits.)
Mind if I catch my breath a bit? Seem a bit tired, lately. Hello again, ladies.
LADIES (meekly)
Hello.
SARGE
Maybe you’re catching something? You should go home-- right now.
OFFICER
Nah, I’m fine. Just need a doughnut fix. Everything all right here?
LADIES (nod and speak in unison )
Everything’s fine.
OFFICER
That’s good. Mrs. La Belle. I have to tell you the cashier at that store was
a little concerned. Said there was a rough looking fellow trailing after you.
Said he paid the bill.
SARGE
Oh! Um, that would be my cousin. He’s visiting for a couple days.
OFFICER
How nice. I’d like to meet him.
SARGE
Um- he’s indisposed at the moment.
ELLEN
Men and their long sits.
FRIEDA (to Officer)
Is that our mail?
OFFICER
Oh, sorry. All bills, looks like. ‘Cept for this postcard from a cruise line.
(reads) ”One hundred and seven day cruise. Twenty-one thousand and up.”
Wouldn’t it be something to have that kind of money! “ Paris, London,
Rome and more.” A nice escape, huh?
SARGE (weakly)
A perfect escape. When the Colonel gets back, maybe we’ll do some traveling.
OFFICER (handing her the mail)
Ship leaves in two weeks. Card says they still have some vacancies.
(A can drops in the kitchen. The women react. OFFICER
gets up.)
What was that?
(He heads toward kitchen. KANDY grabs his arm)
KANDY
Oh that’s our new tenant. She drops stuff all the time.
LOONY (blocking his path.)
Why aren’t you out looking for those bank robbers? What kind of cop are
you anyway?
SARGE
Loony! You can’t talk to an officer of the law like that.
OFFICER
That’s okay. We all know Miss Tunes has her problems. So nice of you
to take her in when her mother threw her out.
LOONY
She didn’t throw me out! I left because she wanted to bury my only friend
(holds out her Teddy bear) —Mr. Squirrel.
FRIEDA (snorts)
A glorified member of the rat family.
LOONY
Really? Say, maybe he knows the rats in our—
ELLEN
Owwww! My back is killing me. Kandy, can you bring me an extra pillow?
KANDY (ignores her)
So what about those robbers, Officer? We don’t want to keep you from your duties.
OFFICER
We already caught one.
(The ladies react.)
To be continued.
|
Author Notes
Previous chapter is paying until Saturday noon.
|
|
