A Leaf on the Wind : Changing of the Guard by Sasha |
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Reinhold Niebuhr "I've told you a hundred times, if she wants to talk, she knows I'm here for her." It was hopeless. The frustration I felt not being able to do anything but hope Tina would come to her senses, filled me with paralyzing guilt and anger. Dr. P was concerned about my mental state and wanted to readmit me back into the hospital but I declined. “No more hospitals,” I told him firmly. “The situation with Tina has been traumatic and I am seriously concerned about the effect this is having on you.” Dr P continued, saying, “You are not being rational. I understand your anger but you are obsessing beyond normalcy.” “You don’t understand,” I said. “Once I had a wonderful, close and loving relationship with Tina. Now she looks at me as though I am her worst enemy. We fight all the time. She blames me for everything. She hates my boyfriends and she refuses to do what I ask her to do. She says I am driving her crazy with all my rules. She won't go to a counselor and refuses to talk to me. Even Sarah goes out of her way to defy me.” “Valerie, they are teenagers, that’s what they do,” Dr P counseled. “They rebel by fighting parental authority. They are trying to find their place in life, and right now, it doesn’t include you. Yelling at her every time you have a disagreement does not help. You are making it worse.” “I don’t know what else to do,” I confessed humbly. “You have to learn to control your temper.” Dr. P suddenly changed the subject. “How are you sleeping? Are you still having nightmares?” “I don’t sleep much and when I do, the nightmares are worse,” I remarked. “Tell me about them.” “They are always the same.” I explained. “I relive the abuse but in greater detail. Sometimes my family is in the room cheering and laughing as Daddy rapes me. I wake up soaked in sweat and terrified. Sometimes I lie in bed shaking for hours before finally falling asleep, only to have the same nightmare again.” I hesitated for a moment, debating whether to tell him I had begun experiencing gaps in time again. Just a few months ago, my life seemed to be finally becoming what I had longed for. My days were filled with contentment and I was at peace with my past. However, learning about Tina’s horrific experience had opened up all the old wounds. I was losing control over everything around me. Things that once gave me pleasure no longer interested me. I seldom cleaned the house, and I hadn’t mowed the lawn or weeded the garden for weeks. Sometimes I would be sitting in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee and having a cigarette and the next, I would be in the dressing room at Nordstrom Department store trying on a $300 dress. Against Dr. P’s wishes, I got a job as a secretary and the cycle of obsessive perfection began all over again. I would arrive at work at six am and often stay until well after eight pm leaving the girls home alone to fend for themselves. Sometimes I would be sitting at my desk at two in the afternoon typing a letter then, suddenly find myself sitting in a bar at eleven at night. “Dr. P, I have started to lose time again,” I confessed. “What frightens me most, is I am doing things I normally would not do.” “Tell me abut it,” he said encouragingly. “The other night I found myself in a very expensive hotel room in downtown Seattle,” I said. “A nice looking man was sitting on the bed beneath the covers watching me get dressed. I was putting on a very expensive dress I had never seen before. Before I left, he handed me two-hundred-dollar bills that I put into a purse that probably cost as much as the dress. Now it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what the money was for.” “How does this make you feel?” Dr P asked. “The strange thing is, I felt both ashamed and proud,” I replied. “Ashamed that I would do something so disgusting, but proud that someone thought I was worth $200.” “Valerie, I am concerned that the stress of your job and your relationship with Tina are causing you to relapse,” Dr P observed. “I still think you need to go back into the hospital for a reevaluation.” My answer was an unequivocal, “No.” “I think you are making a big mistake,” Dr P advised. “Maybe, but it’s a chance I am willing to take,” I said. At the end of the session Dr P. informed me he would no longer be my doctor. He had accepted a new job, and in a few weeks would be moving out of state. He said his replacement would be a doctor who specialized in Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorders. “I thought we decided I don't have multiple personality disorder?” I said. “I am not suggesting you do,” Dr P remarked. “I am simply saying Dr. L. is more informed about DID and BPD than I am.” I was devastated. Dr. P had been my rock of Gibraltar for nearly three years and the thought of starting all over with a new doctor frightened me. I left Dr. P’s office feeling lost and completely alone. All my hard work had just been erased.
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