Humor Fiction posted December 24, 2017

Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Prompt Entry

Christmas Cheer

by sibhus

The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
The author has placed a warning on this post for sexual content.

"Bill! Bill, wake up!"

"What, the fu...? Oh, my aching head. Margery? Where am I?"

"You're passed out at the kitchen table, wearing half a Santa suit, panties, a garter belt, and fishnet stockings. Hey, are those my high-heels?"

"Jesus, Margery not so loud."

"Let me guess, you and the other Elks have been playing sodomy games down at the lodge, again, right Bill?"

"Masons, Margery, I'm a member of the Loyal Order of Masons, Scottish Rites. Not the damn Elks."

"Oh, that's right. So, another emergency meeting to discuss the implementation of the New World Order and the take over of the Jack Daniels Distillery?"

"Jeez, you can't believe that crap from Conspiracies, on Netflix. The Masons are not involved in some secret conspiracy. We are a fraternal order dedicated to charitable work and supporting local business."

"Oh, so that's what you and your lodge brothers call it, when you go down to the Silver Slipper strip club for amateur night?"

"Well, it's more like supporting young women in their career choices and celebrating their independence."

"You're a regular Gloria Steinem."


"Never mind that. We need to talk about Christmas. I need you to stay sober this year. I definitely don't want a repeat of last year."

"Hey, I didn't set Mrs. Gincowski's dog on fire. That little bastard lunged for the turkey, just as I was about to drop it in the deep-fat fryer. I instinctively jerked it away, and the little terror crashed into the boiling oil, spewing it all over himself and the garage."

"More like you tripped over your own two feet, knocked the pot over, caught the dog on fire, and he raced around the garage, catching everything else on fire."

"A matter of misinterpretation, but that's not the point, Margery. You can't expect me to stay sober around your relatives. Like, Aunt Maggie..."

"She's dead, remember? She had a heart attack, during what the Media dubbed 'The Christmas That Went Wrong'. You were one of her pall bearers, and you fell into the grave. We had to call the Fire Department to pull you out."

"Wait, wasn't that your dad's funeral?"

"Most of the mourners wanted us to lower the coffin on top of you and forget about it."

"No, your dad had a Chaplain, from the V.F.W., that went on forever about your dad's exploits in Korea. I thought I would run out of booze before the service was over. How does someone write a three-hour eulogy about a supply clerk getting a Purple Heart for frostbite, while passing out toilet paper? Did you say something about burying me alive?"

"Forget that, Bill. This Christmas you need to stay sober, because Diana and Nancy are bringing their kids home for the holidays."

"What, how did that happen?"

"I'm pretty sure in the usual way."

"I thought Diana was a lesbian, or something."

"Oh, that was just a college thing. You know, an experimental phase."

"Diana went to college?"

"A year and half of Community College. Bill, I'm beginning to wonder if this forgetfulness of yours is something more than just being soused all the time. Maybe we should have you checked fo-"

"For what, wet brain? I know stuff. It just takes a second, or two, to zero in on things. Wait, Diana brought that guy in the Army home one year. He was in the Special OPS, and he was involved in secret missions in Estonia, or Rockford, IL... no, it was Greenland. It had to do with reindeers, and they were smuggling intel out of Russia."

"Well, Sherlock, you're half right, as usual. She married him, and he is in the Army, stationed in Greenland, but the rest sounds like a Hallmark Christmas movie of the week."

"Married? Since when do kids get married these days? Most of the time they just shack-up, pop out a couple of kids, and then break-up, after which the mother and the kids go on Welfare."

"I'm sure she wanted to start a traditional, dysfunctional family."

"Is Nancy married? I mean, if not, we could convert the house to apartments, get Nancy on Section 8, and make some money off this grandkids thing."

"Yes, Bill. She's married to a very nice Muslim man named Akmed."

"What happened to touring with the Satanic, Heavy Metal band? Wait. What? Holy Shite, should we contact Homeland Security?"

"Settle down, President Trump. There are over a billion Muslims in the world, and the majority aren't bomb-toting fanatics."

"How did she meet him?"

"There was a mishap with the wiring at one of the band's shows, and the bass player got electrocuted. No one noticed, till after the performance. Nancy and the band rushed him to the emergency room, and Akmed was the doctor on call."

"OK, let me get this straight. My daughters, who haven't spoken to me since I tried to get them into the porn industry, and their husbands, one being a fascist puppet for the government, and the other being a possibe terrorist, along with their children are coming here for Christmas. And you expect me to be sober and play nice?"

"If you do, we can use these."

"What's that?"

"Tickets to Vegas, and a prescription for Viagra."

"Wow, um."

"I'll bring my leather bustier."

"Yep, Margery, looks like Grandpa is having a very Merry Christmas."

Dialogue Only Prompt writing prompt entry
Writing Prompt
Write a story using only dialogue. No narration, descriptions, or sentence tags. Maximum word count: 1,000

Pays one point and 2 member cents.

Artwork by supergold at

Save to Bookcase Promote This Share or Bookmark
Print It View Reviews

You need to login or register to write reviews. It's quick! We only ask four questions to new members.

© Copyright 2018. sibhus All rights reserved.
sibhus has granted, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.