Humor Fiction posted December 18, 2017


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A Tom and Carol story.

New Holiday Schedule

by Thomas Bowling


“Are you expecting someone?” Carol had finished putting away the leftovers and heard the doorbell ring.

“Not me. Maybe it's your sister.”

“Very funny. I haven't seen my sister in eight years.”

“I forgot. She borrowed your sweater without telling you.”

“That had nothing to do with it. You know what she did. She . . . I forget, but I'm sure it was bad.”

Tom answered the door and found three little men. They were carrying small sacks of candy.

“Trick or treat,” they said in unison.

“Don't you mean Merry Christmas? Have you guys been into the eggnog?”

“No. We're celebrating Halloween.”

“The last I heard, Halloween was on October thirty-first.”

“You're still using the old calendar. There's a new one now.”

“Carol, do you know anything about a new calendar?”

“Sure. Everyone knows about it. It's all over the internet. You should download it. All of the holidays have been changed.”

“We've got some visitors. Evidently, they know about it. They're trick or treating.”

Carol walked into the room and said, “Goody. The first of the season and they're dressed as elves. How cute. Don't just stand there. Give them some candy.”

“I don't have any candy. How would you fellas like a TV remote?”

“Don't be silly. I'm sure I have something in the pantry.” Carol went to check the pantry. She returned in a few minutes.

“All I have is a can of pumpkin pie filling. Will that do?”

The elves nodded in agreement and held out their sacks.

“I'm sorry. I only have one. You'll have to share.”

The elves looked disappointed as two of them withdrew their bags.

“If this is the new Halloween, when is Christmas?”

“We moved Christmas to August third. Christmas is a big travel day. We figured you might as well travel in pleasant weather.”

“I hate to say it, but this is starting to make sense.”

“What about Thanksgiving?” Carol asked.

“April tenth. We've changed it to a day to give thanks in advance. We pay it forward now.”

Tom nodded. “That makes sense. We're bribing God.”

“Exactly. How could He resist?”

“What about Easter?”

“Easter is the only holiday we didn't change. No one knows when Easter is anyway.”

Tom scratched his head. “I just thought of something. Haven't you moved Christmas to the middle of hurricane season?”

“Hurricanes hit Florida, home of the Republicans. Who cares?”

“You have a point.”

“We now turn the clock back at midnight every night, and we never set it forward. That way everyone gets an extra hour of sleep every day.”

“Those hours add up. What do you do about all of the lost days?” Tom asked.

“That's why New Year’s Day is on January fifteenth.”

“Why January? Why not December fifteenth? How did you decide?”

“We flipped a coin. The same way Vermont votes.”

“Vermont robbed Bernie Sanders.”

Carol hated it when Tom talked politics. “You're the only person in America who votes for Calvin Coolidge every election.”

“It's a matter of principal. I use my vote to point out how far removed we are from the ideal.”

“Oh, brother,” Carol said.

“Oh, brother,” the three elves repeated. “Would you like to hear about some more holidays?”

“Sure why not?”

“We've moved the Fourth of July to August second. That's the date the declaration was actually approved. We moved Cinco de Mayo to the second Friday in May. That way restaurant workers will get a three-day holiday.”

“The more I hear about this, the more this new calendar makes sense.”

“What about my birthday? You didn't change my birthday, did you?”

“Independent birthdays are too confusing. From now on, everyone's birthday is on April fifteenth.”

“Income tax day.”

“With all of the saving created by the new calendar, we've been able to do away with taxes.”

“Great. I'm going online and downloading one. From now on, I'm using the new calendar. Happy Halloween!”

 


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