So, you think I should get out more?
I'm not so sure about that.
I know it's five years since Maggie died
but I'm content at home with my cat.

I wish you'd stop trying to fix me up.
I'm quite all right as I am.
The last woman you found for me
had a face like the back of a tram.
All she talked about was her bladder
and her holiday in France
and how she took so many pills
and wore Incontinance pants
and when she tried to kiss me
her false teeth fell on the floor.
I shouted, "I've got an appointment"
And bolted out the door.

I haven't got over that yet,
Don't suppose I ever can.
She was even worse than the woman before
that turned out to be a man.

So who have you found for me this time,
Another decrepit old bag?
Please don't think I'm ungrateful
but I'd sooner have a pint and a fag.

What, she's only twenty seven?
pretty with long blonde hair,
legs up to her armpits,
incredibly large tits,
and has a tattoo WHERE?