I haven't written anything in over two years... and for the first time in my life, my mind is as blank as the page in front of me. I let my FanStory membership expire last year sometime and, though I missed being a part of the awesome group of writers on this site, I was relieved that I didn't have to meet a deadline or write something creative or emotional when I felt as though I had lost the ability to feel either. The truth of the matter, and my true story is, that I have lost the ability to write. It makes my heart hurt to even say such a thing, but it's true.

Over the past couple of years my family and I have gone through a lot, things that I won't bore you with, but a multitude of challenges that have stripped me of my spirit and stolen away the very thing that has always kept me upright and sane. My writing. It's what I turned to as a child to quietly protest my parents' divorce, how I made it through high school, and the only light in what seemed like inescapable darkness, as I lost loved ones that I somehow didn't think I would ever lose. But now, my only escape has disappeared.

Next month marks the second anniversary of my very close friend and neighbor passing away. Ev was like a grandmother to my children and a second mom to me after mine passed. More than anything, she was my muse, my biggest fan. Each time I wrote a story I would email it to her, or take it over to her house so that she could read it. She offered constructive criticism when I needed it but mostly she encouraged me. As she got older, she went to live in a senior living facility. She could no longer see well enough to read so I would take my stories with me when I went to visit, and read them to her. She would lean back and close her eyes and listen to me read, never tiring of my stories or new ideas I had for the next adventure. She loved historical fiction so I always made sure I got my facts right. She definitely would have called me on it if I had gotten something wrong! When she passed, a part of my confidence passed with her. I feel like I lost a part of the reason I enjoyed writing... I haven't written anything since the week before she went home to be with the Lord.

I have tried so hard to think of a story for this writing contest. The problem used to be too many ideas, and not knowing which one to choose. I remember the excitement of a new story as it pulled itself together inside my head. I remember the feeling of becoming each of my characters and researching to make sure I got the historical facts correct. (I couldn't let Ev down) The ideas and story lines would run through my mind faster than I could type and often I was transported to another world. Writing always was an escape from the real world and it made life a little easier.

So, here I am. I reserved a spot in this contest and felt I needed to submit something. Though this story is true to the spirit of the contest, it surely isn't the kind of story that I ever thought I would write. I always thought it was silly when I heard people say they needed to find themselves. It never made sense to me. But then, I never thought I would ever lose "me". Sadly, it makes a lot of sense to me now. The question is, how do I find this person I used to be?