I was feeling silly. I was holding my breath with abandon, while waiting for the icy-cold and angry wind to sneak and pound its way in.

I had spent two days melting paraffin and coal tar to seal windows. The door was another matter since Billy and I had to go in and out. My Gran's quilts had to be rolled and stuffed into each opening.

At least my old radio had warned us of the impending storm four days ago. I had had time to cut firewood for the fireplace and stove, dry rabbit for Billy and me, and put up some stored apples and potatoes before the cellar contents froze. Cookies were in tins and I had a kettle ready to heat so we could prime the pump and unfreeze it.

Billy was my fourteen -year-old collie, who meant more to me than food. He and I had gone through three kinds of hell together. He was all I had now.

For three days it snowed and the wind held us captive. I could no longer open the door against the deepening snow. Billy questioned his new orders with a troubled look. I had put old rags on the floor.

Finally, after sharing some food and Billy was snoring by the fire, I flopped into my rocker, wrapping a quilt around me. I knew sleep would come quickly. I said my needed prayers.

Two hours and and one horrible nightmare later, I gave up my quest for sleep. The icy sheets were adhered to every window, so I could no longer see outside at all. The candlelight revealed only a frozen mask over everything.

The veil of frightening window sealant had brought back the nightmare and I sat back down. I felt so cold, so I stoked the fire into a new blaze, I revisited the ugly thoughts pressing into my temples.

Remembering, it was the first snow since the last one...that nearly broke me.

Back then, Jacob, Billy and I had moved to town. We wanted to open an inn there. We had earned enough for a down-payment. My swollen belly needed to grow a month more and then our sons would arrive. I knew they were boys, the way they fought all day.

Our boys were not alive for their birth. It was a bit early and Jacob couldn't get the doctor stirred fast enough to help. I still think their deaths were the reason Jacob died of a heart attack one week later.

He had started running to ease his pain. I begged him to not run in the icy conditions, and to not be out long. I was angry at first, that it had been two hours. Then a knock sounded at the door; then two. I opened the door to the sheriff and deputy. Jacob had been found in the Church's front snow bank. The town's people said it looked like he had tried to run over the big pile of snow, but slipped and hit his head.

My life was over as I knew it. My babies and husband were dead, as were any plans ever made. I was lost.

That is when I decided to take Billy and move away. We needed no prying eyes and constant questioning . Billy and I proceeded to build the small log cabin, log by log; memory by memory...in the woods.

With some help from a retired guy in town, we started on the land four miles from town. Billy's exuberant running, barking, and playing brought my spirits up. I realized one day,though,I couldn't pull my weight anymore. I was proud of my abilities, so I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Then it hit me. I hadn't been "normal" for three months. Thank God, the cabin was about finished.

I didn't know how to feel. Happy? Of course...But, I had lost my husband and boys during the last snow storm. I could not bare to lose another. So, I also felt frightened and sick.

If I was pregnant, I really wasn't sure when the baby would be born...I only knew that Doc would want to see me right away because of all the trouble I had. I'd have to get to town as soon as possible

It took eight days before the snow melted enough to allow me to open the door. The snow piling up against the house had damaged the door, two windows, and a huge portion of the roof. I had no idea how I would fix it all. My money was almost gone.

My priority now,was this baby who needed to be cared for. I knew I wasn't eating enough of the right food and I had to get into town.

My hope was waning and my faith had left me. I felt badly for Billy. He used to gobble down his dried meat and whatever else I could muster.
Now, we were low on everything, so I couldn't give him as much each time.

I had a plan. I'd load the sled with enough to get us into town, and allow Billy to ride on and off the sled I would push. I worried because no one passed by this far from town. I had to think and make sure I had what we needed. Again, my pain rose up in a bitter torrent of anger, fear, and grief. I was out of choices. My helper had gone on to Indiana.

We started out at sunrise, closing the door on the only warmth we would know for awhile. I almost resented Billy's dear exuberance.

Four hours of trudging through snow that had crusted over made it even harder to get on a solid steady track.

Then it was black. Cold, windy, and black. My only warmth was coming from my side where Billy was lying over me on the sled. I had no idea when we had fallen over, and how far we still were from town. From the pattern in the snow, Billy had dragged me back into the sled. I couldn't move my left leg so I must have fallen over fence wire. Sometimes it gets buried in the snow...and I had a huge wound. I pulled out some rags and tightly wrapped it.

My strength was gone, along with any spirit or faith. Billy was whining and I then realized he couldn't pull himself through the deep snow now.
I took the old hearth shovel I had thrown in and dug him a way to get back on the sled. We would be going nowhere.

I knew we had at least a couple more miles to get to town. My disquieting thoughts were "How?" I had no choice. I knew Billy agreed at the same moment. He came over, and curled around me. We could do no more than to reflect on the judgement I made to leave too early.

The sound of the deafening frantic barking were drowned out by the shots. Then I saw the two men coming toward us.

I awoke in Doc's surgery room. The hunters took us into the house and left before I could thank them. I awoke and was yelling for Billy. The nurse ran in telling me not to move; that Billy was beneath me on the floor, and doing well. I asked the nurse if she knew where the hunters were staying. I wanted to talk to them and thank them. The nurse looking puzzled, just said to rest; that we would talk after awhile.

I opened my eyes finally, to the Doc telling me my leg would knit well, but that both woman and dog had been close to death from hypothermia, frostbite, and loss of blood. I asked the doc copious questions and finished with my great desire to thank the hunters.

The Doc turned to me with a sincere quiet demeanor. "Lorna, there were no men. You and Billy were lying on the porch outside our door.

There was one set of tracks leading up...with the sled marks dragging close. The doctor said they had looked for anyone who could have helped - but there was no trace of anyone.

When Faith was born later it was easy to name her. My faith had been born, indeed.