Humor Fiction posted April 17, 2017


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An outlaw terrorizes Boot Hill.

Back to Boot Hill

by Thomas Bowling


Today, we're traveling back to Boot Hill, Boot Hill - Vermont. This time, the outlaw is human. Bud was the most feared man in Boot Hill. Men and women alike feared him. When Bud walked around, men would step aside. When Bud walked around the womenfolk would hide, but I digress.

Bud had a short fuse and was quick to fight, and even though he was eighty-six-years-old, he was known to beat up men ten years his junior. One day, things came to the boiling point.

In a disagreement over a handicap parking space at Piggly Wiggly, things escalated until a fight ensued. Bud landed a crushing blow to the face of Elmer Wilson almost breaking Elmer's glasses.

“Sorry, Elmer,” Bud said. “I was aimin' fer yer nose. I'll pay fer em if their broke.”

“They ain't broke but their so darn flimsy it's a wonder. What'd you call that, yer butterfly punch? You blind old fool, my nose is so big yer the only one who could miss it.”

“That is quiet a beak you got there. Ever' time I see you it seems bigger. Remember that movie with W.C. Fields when the little boy laughed at him. His mother said, 'Don't laugh, Johnny. I bet you wish you had that nose full of quarters.'”

“They don't make movies like that anymore,” Elmer said. “Now days it's all special effects, flyin' monkeys and little people runnin' around.”

“That was the plot to Wizard of Oz.”

“I guess you're right. I get confused anymore. Let's sit down over here and rest awhile, then we can go at it agin.”

“I can't. I have ice cream in the car. I need to get it home before it melts,” Bud said.

“Okay, we'll put it off till next time.”

“I could use a little rest before I go. What was the name of that W.C. Fields movie?”

The two men sat under a tree and reminisced.

“Say, don't you have some ice cream in the car?” Elmer asked.

“Yeah, why, do you want some.”

“No, knucklehead, it's meltin.”

“That's right. I forgot about it. It's gone soft by now. Just as well the only thin' I can eat these days is soft stuff.”

The men patted each other on the back and parted ways.

Later, Elmer thought about the fight. It didn't seem fair. Bud was the only one to land a punch. Elmer vowed revenge against the hombre who done him wrong.

Elmer laid in wait for Bud. He followed him to the park and sprang into action. Actually, he shuffled to the table where Bud was playing checkers.

“Get up, you scum suckin' pig.”

It was a line Elmer heard in a Brando movie. He thought it lent dramatic flair. He had used it on his wife once. . . only once. It was three days before he could open his left eye again.

Bud wasn't impressed. He was helped out of his chair.

“What's your beef, sonny?”

“I'm callin' you out, Bud. You've terrorized this town long enough. It ends today.”

“Name the time and place.”

“Noon at Whiskey Creek.”

“The bar or the creek?”

“The bar. The creek dried up twenty years ago.”

“I forgot that. I don't remember as well as I used to.”

“Well, I'm gonna give you a beatin' today you'll never forget. Be there at noon.”

“Make it 1:30. I take a nap at noon.”

“Be there at 1:30. Hell, let's make it 3:00. I gotta take my meds at 2:30. Be there, old man. Don't make me come lookin' for you.”

“Old man! I'll whip you and yer son and yer grandson and yer great-grandson at the same time.”

I told you Bud was the most feared man in Boot Hill. When the appointed time came, neither man showed up. They forgot.

That evening as Bud was getting ready for bed he said, "Seems like there was somethin' I was supposed to do today."



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© Copyright 2017. Thomas Bowling All rights reserved. Registered copyright with FanStory.
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