Spiritual Non-Fiction posted November 18, 2016 Chapters:  ...90 91 -92- 93... 

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God's miracle

A chapter in the book World As I See It 5

My Way Out

by Barb Hensongispsaca

What God has done for me Contest Winner 
The gun felt cool as it touched my skin. For a couple of weeks, I had been planning this day. I knew when my husband would be getting home from work and I had this moment planned so that my daughter, who was down for her nap, would not be alone for too long.

I sat on the floor, the gun was under my chin. I felt at peace with my decision. I could not stand the abuse I got every night from my husband. I just didn't want to live like this anymore. I was afraid to die, but even more afraid to live.

I remember thinking of what my daughter would do without me, but, just as easy as it was to think of it, the thought left with the memories of the beatings I got every time he got drunk.

It was not always like that; the first years of our married life was bliss. We did everything together and found joy in just sharing life as one. When he started drinking with his friends, the real terror emerged. His anger became so unbearable that the thoughts of suicide became appealing. I began to plan the best way to end my life. I did not want to end up a vegetable or disabled, I wanted to be sure the final outcome was just that...final.

After putting my daughter down for her nap, I turned on the music in her room to deafen the sound of the gun, or so I'd hoped. I made sure the house was clean and spotless, just like he liked it. That was an important part of my final preparation. I did not want him angry if I was dead and he still had the house to clean. I never once thought of the blood and brains that would be plastered on the wall and floor.

I loaded the gun...six shells. I still don't understand why I had to load six when I was pretty sure one would do just fine. I sat on the floor with my back against the recliner. I remember looking at the gun in my hands, studying it for some reason. I released the safety, then put it under my chin. I put my thumb against the trigger.

I closed my eyes and I remember thinking, "Lord, I just can't do this anymore. You either let me end my life now, or You take it and live it for me".

I braced the gun with my other hand and slowly pulled the trigger. I remember flinching when I heard the click. Wondering what went wrong, but not giving myself time to back out, I pulled the trigger again. Just like before, the gun clicked, but did not fire.

I remember looking at the gun, and even though I knew I loaded six shells into the gun, I checked to be sure the bullets were still there. All six were there and none showed any sign of being shot. I rechecked the safety to be sure it was off even though I heard the audible click twice.

Again, I put the gun under my chin, and, without hesitation, I pulled the trigger. For a third time, it failed to go off.

I got off the floor and went outside. I pointed the gun in the air and shot six perfectly completed shots. It went off all six times. The Lord called my bluff and I knew it was my turn to keep my part of the bargain.

I won't say life got easier, but I knew I was not alone in my life of hell. A Bible verse stuck with me about God putting on us only that which we can bear.

My life has been full of a lot of ups and downs and I have experienced more than a normal person would do in a lifetime. I can't say, "I know what you are going through", but I can relate to anything you want to talk about...because I have been there.

What has God done for me? He has given me the ability to relate to others and if I can be there for just one person, to let them know they are not alone, to let them know they can survive, to let them know He is there, then my life has not been in vain.

If you need someone to talk to...

What God has done for me
Contest Winner


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