| Humor Fiction posted October 8, 2016 |
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A contemporary fable
The Blundering Undertaker
by Ogden
Write a Modern Fable Contest Winner
Before undertaking this fable, it is suggested that you see the author notes.
The Blundering Undertaker or The Tale of the Hearseless Headman
Dear reader, for your convenience, in the event that it may be required, a glossary at fable's end can be consulted.
Once upon a time, (actually, relatively recently, but fables sound more folksy beginning with 'Once upon a time) there was a small-town New England undertaker by the name of Saul Grimm,* who was more un-undertakerish than you can imagine.
To those who attended his funerals, Saul seemed oddly unsuited for his chosen occupation. A sensitive soul, he couldn't help crying at funerals. He was well-liked, but not very well-respected, and after a few unfortunate miscalculations in his first few undertakings, rumor had it that 'Saul's Resting Grounds' was not long for this world.
Many folks considered it a beginner's mistake when he held a "Grand Opening with door prizes to all attendees!" for his first funeral, and just about everyone agreed that the peppermint crosses were in bad taste.
His "Two-For-The-Price-Of-One" promotion was believed to have occasioned the lamentable double suicide of the eccentric and penurious* recluses*, Thomas and Emma Krause. They were known to do anything to save a dollar. There was, however, a bright side resulting from the act. As advertised, the county paid only half-price for the funeral, and the entire issue was considered a wash.
Thanks to his popularity, and despite his self-inflicted misfortunes, Saul was able to keep Saul's Resting Grounds alive for the occasional burial or "Pay Less Before you Go" promotion customer. Until the fateful hearse reversal, that is.
Some were convinced it was a sign from The Almighty, others believed it was a spontaneous surrender to the rampages of automotive decrepitude,* while most were suspicious that it was more mischief by those rambunctious* Rafferty twins. At any rate, poor Saul's hearse was found one morning, thoroughly disassembled in front of The First Methodist Church.
With no surviving relatives or wives, having no other source of income, and not a penny saved, it appeared that irreversable hearselessness would close this chapter of the undertaker's life.
But, as sometimes occurs in well-planned fables, a most unlikely happenstance* did occur, and resulted in a possible reprieve for Saul's professional survival.
Here, the fable thickens.
Enter Barnaby Kryler, a ne'er-do-well wheeler-dealer.
An ambitious traveling salesman from Georgia, Barnaby had recently arrived in town, purportedly* for a centennial meeting of the local Elks, but in reality, following a lead that might have enabled him to unburden himself of two tons of over-ripe peaches, incautiously "purchased" in a hazily remembered session of 5-card stud* in Savannah. The peaches, though not salable for eating out of hand, were "perfect for high-quality preserves," and one of the younger Elks, Ricky Cline, was known to have a brother-in-law holding a prestigious position in the Smucker's Corporation, thus explaining the true motive for Barnaby's interest in New England Elks. So, as you can see, the salesman and the troubled Saul had much in common. Both were ambitious businessmen in deep....trouble.
To most members, the meeting was uneventful, but in the reception room beforehand, it was noticed by some that Ricky Cline's brother-in-law was seen shaking hands with the Georgia Elk visitor. Barnaby may not have known the meaning of the word 'serendipity,* (see glossary, if you don't either) but he already, unknowingly, was the beneficiary of tons of it!
Now, try to follow this. In the socializing following the meeting, after putting the future of the young Smuckers executive in certain peril, Barnaby, relieved to have his fruit fiasco behind him, but also sadly aware that he had just lost his asset, just happened to overhear one of the members, who, believe it or not, and lo and behold!, was Saul's embalmer, tearfully bemoaning his impending unemployment because of his employer's hearse predicament.
"Unbelievable! There's got to be a word for this kind of coincidence," conjectured the sanguine* salesman, with the image of a hearse in his head! 'Little by little and bit by bit, take what you get and make the best of it,' that's my motto! I'll take my small profit, and modestly accept the role of hero to the embalmer and his loser of a boss. With my virtuous act, I'll be enabling the interment of people too poor to pay for a proper departure," rationalized delusional* Barnaby (who, himself, might well be the makings of a fable).
And so he proceeded as planned. Coincidence upon coincidence! Lucinda Lillianthal, a florist, and one of Barnaby's oldest Savannah customers, had died of pneumonia the previous month, and, in a long-forgotten will, had named Barnaby the sole beneficiary of her now dwindled estate. Only months before, Lucinda had purchased, for a pittance,* a junkyard hearse to use for floral deliveries, and, remarkably, it worked! And, finally, our two protagonists* executed a bill of sale!
At long last (you'll agree) we are nearing the conclusion of our fable. In summary, the seemingly doomed practice of Saul, the struggling undertaker, appears to have a glimmer of hope of salvation, 'thanks' to Barnaby, the scheming opportunist.
At this point, dear reader, you and I are the only ones associated with this fable, including Saul Grimm and Barnaby Kryler, to know that a 1960 Cadillac hearse (even a fragrant one) is a collector's item worth a small fortune.
Will Barnaby learn the truth, and pull a fast one on the slow one? Or will Saul realize in time that his hearse can be his deliverance? You can decide...
The end.
And the moral of the story is 'Don't look for a thrift hearse in the South."
The Blundering Undertaker or The Tale of the Hearseless Headman
Dear reader, for your convenience, in the event that it may be required, a glossary at fable's end can be consulted.
Once upon a time, (actually, relatively recently, but fables sound more folksy beginning with 'Once upon a time) there was a small-town New England undertaker by the name of Saul Grimm,* who was more un-undertakerish than you can imagine.
To those who attended his funerals, Saul seemed oddly unsuited for his chosen occupation. A sensitive soul, he couldn't help crying at funerals. He was well-liked, but not very well-respected, and after a few unfortunate miscalculations in his first few undertakings, rumor had it that 'Saul's Resting Grounds' was not long for this world.
Many folks considered it a beginner's mistake when he held a "Grand Opening with door prizes to all attendees!" for his first funeral, and just about everyone agreed that the peppermint crosses were in bad taste.
His "Two-For-The-Price-Of-One" promotion was believed to have occasioned the lamentable double suicide of the eccentric and penurious* recluses*, Thomas and Emma Krause. They were known to do anything to save a dollar. There was, however, a bright side resulting from the act. As advertised, the county paid only half-price for the funeral, and the entire issue was considered a wash.
Thanks to his popularity, and despite his self-inflicted misfortunes, Saul was able to keep Saul's Resting Grounds alive for the occasional burial or "Pay Less Before you Go" promotion customer. Until the fateful hearse reversal, that is.
Some were convinced it was a sign from The Almighty, others believed it was a spontaneous surrender to the rampages of automotive decrepitude,* while most were suspicious that it was more mischief by those rambunctious* Rafferty twins. At any rate, poor Saul's hearse was found one morning, thoroughly disassembled in front of The First Methodist Church.
With no surviving relatives or wives, having no other source of income, and not a penny saved, it appeared that irreversable hearselessness would close this chapter of the undertaker's life.
But, as sometimes occurs in well-planned fables, a most unlikely happenstance* did occur, and resulted in a possible reprieve for Saul's professional survival.
Here, the fable thickens.
Enter Barnaby Kryler, a ne'er-do-well wheeler-dealer.
An ambitious traveling salesman from Georgia, Barnaby had recently arrived in town, purportedly* for a centennial meeting of the local Elks, but in reality, following a lead that might have enabled him to unburden himself of two tons of over-ripe peaches, incautiously "purchased" in a hazily remembered session of 5-card stud* in Savannah. The peaches, though not salable for eating out of hand, were "perfect for high-quality preserves," and one of the younger Elks, Ricky Cline, was known to have a brother-in-law holding a prestigious position in the Smucker's Corporation, thus explaining the true motive for Barnaby's interest in New England Elks. So, as you can see, the salesman and the troubled Saul had much in common. Both were ambitious businessmen in deep....trouble.
To most members, the meeting was uneventful, but in the reception room beforehand, it was noticed by some that Ricky Cline's brother-in-law was seen shaking hands with the Georgia Elk visitor. Barnaby may not have known the meaning of the word 'serendipity,* (see glossary, if you don't either) but he already, unknowingly, was the beneficiary of tons of it!
Now, try to follow this. In the socializing following the meeting, after putting the future of the young Smuckers executive in certain peril, Barnaby, relieved to have his fruit fiasco behind him, but also sadly aware that he had just lost his asset, just happened to overhear one of the members, who, believe it or not, and lo and behold!, was Saul's embalmer, tearfully bemoaning his impending unemployment because of his employer's hearse predicament.
"Unbelievable! There's got to be a word for this kind of coincidence," conjectured the sanguine* salesman, with the image of a hearse in his head! 'Little by little and bit by bit, take what you get and make the best of it,' that's my motto! I'll take my small profit, and modestly accept the role of hero to the embalmer and his loser of a boss. With my virtuous act, I'll be enabling the interment of people too poor to pay for a proper departure," rationalized delusional* Barnaby (who, himself, might well be the makings of a fable).
And so he proceeded as planned. Coincidence upon coincidence! Lucinda Lillianthal, a florist, and one of Barnaby's oldest Savannah customers, had died of pneumonia the previous month, and, in a long-forgotten will, had named Barnaby the sole beneficiary of her now dwindled estate. Only months before, Lucinda had purchased, for a pittance,* a junkyard hearse to use for floral deliveries, and, remarkably, it worked! And, finally, our two protagonists* executed a bill of sale!
At long last (you'll agree) we are nearing the conclusion of our fable. In summary, the seemingly doomed practice of Saul, the struggling undertaker, appears to have a glimmer of hope of salvation, 'thanks' to Barnaby, the scheming opportunist.
At this point, dear reader, you and I are the only ones associated with this fable, including Saul Grimm and Barnaby Kryler, to know that a 1960 Cadillac hearse (even a fragrant one) is a collector's item worth a small fortune.
Will Barnaby learn the truth, and pull a fast one on the slow one? Or will Saul realize in time that his hearse can be his deliverance? You can decide...
The end.
And the moral of the story is 'Don't look for a thrift hearse in the South."
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Writing Prompt Write a short fable-like story where the last sentence starts with: "And the moral of the story is". This can be on any subject, true or fictional, and can be in any voice, as long as the moral is stated in the last line. A new twist on an old fable is also allowed. |
Write a Modern Fable Contest Winner |
*Note: Congratulations to the readers who got the little play on words comment in the undertaker's name!
Glossary:
penurious - excessively unwilling to spend
recluse - a person who lives a solitary life and tends to avoid other people
decrepitude - a state of deterioration due to old age or long use
rambunctious - rowdy, and lacking in restraint or discipline
purportedly - appearing to be something other than what it seems to be
happenstance - a coincidence
5-card stud - a poker card game
prestigious - having high status
serendipitous - occurring by chance in a beneficial way
conjecture - make a supposition on the basis of incomplete information
sanguine - positive, especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation
pittance - a very small sum of money
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. Glossary:
penurious - excessively unwilling to spend
recluse - a person who lives a solitary life and tends to avoid other people
decrepitude - a state of deterioration due to old age or long use
rambunctious - rowdy, and lacking in restraint or discipline
purportedly - appearing to be something other than what it seems to be
happenstance - a coincidence
5-card stud - a poker card game
prestigious - having high status
serendipitous - occurring by chance in a beneficial way
conjecture - make a supposition on the basis of incomplete information
sanguine - positive, especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation
pittance - a very small sum of money
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