Humor Non-Fiction posted September 20, 2016 Chapters:  ...57 58 -59- 60... 


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contest entry

A chapter in the book Let's Laugh 4

Attack On My Person

by Barb Hensongispsaca

Most Embarrassing Moment Contest Winner 

After the personal tragedy involving my children, I tried to escape reality by moving to the very northern reaches of Ontario, Canada. When I said northern, I meant to the last town on a paved road. Everything North of that was accessible only by plane, and used by those that were really escaping reality or on the run from the police.

In this remote area, I saw my fair share of moose, bear, caribou, and wolf. The moose were so big...("how big were they?")...they had the reputation of walking away after being hit by a semi, while the semi was unrecognizable. The bear would leisurely stroll across my front yard on their way to the local dump, which would scare at least eight of the nine lives out of my cats. The caribou were harmless, but they did enjoy a good race with the car. As for the wolf, it was nothing to wake to find one camped on my front porch during the winter to get warm.

Now you think you might not be able to survive these, but, I am here to tell you that these would be the least of your worries. There is nothing that beats the terror of the pine beetle. This monstrosity is about two inches in length with antenna that can exceed three inches. The females bite off bits of wood in trees to lay their eggs. The larvae then eat their way through the wood, feeding on the sap of the tree, where they find a nice nestled place to lay for the winter only to emerge in the summer fully grown...and ugly.

Now the major thing I want to point out is their mandibles. Remember I said the female bites off large pieces of wood? Can you just imagine what it feels like when they clamp down on a piece of exposed skin? They don't let go. Most of the time, you have to squeeze the head to open the jaws. It is like being nailed by a stapler. It leaves scars.

Every year, I would go to the mill with the truck to get loads of discarded wood to cut up and store for the next winter. One summer, there was an exceptionally large number of pine beetles. I had just unloaded the truck where I stacked the logs in a pile to cut with a chain saw.

Now, you have to realize that it was extremely hot that day. I was sweating so badly that my sweat pants and t-shirt were sticking to me...except where my cleavage made it an ideal spot for wood chips to find a resting place.

As I moved a log to reposition it, a huge black pine beetle took the opportunity to fly where the wood chips did. Yep, you guessed it. The next thing I knew, I watched in horror as it flew down into my shirt. I remembered the power of the bite and reacted. My gloves went in two directions, my shirt went in a third, and just to be safe, my pants completed the full circle finding a fourth direction. How I got them off over my boots I still wonder to this day.

I stood there in my work boots and socks, my bra and underpants as I frantically swatted at my body to be sure the bug from hell was not ready to sink its bite into my skin. Realizing I was safe, I relaxed enough to notice there was a sound overhead.

I looked up to see a plane circling over me. Then, I realized it was one that had just taken off from the airport. It was loaded with fishermen headed to one of the fishing camps farther North. It was close enough, I could see the smiles and clapping and thumbs up I was receiving after doing my pine beetle strip tease.

What could I do? As they circled, I waved back, gathered up my clothes...making sure I shook each piece to rid it of pine beetle infestation...and walked as calmly as I could to the house.

Writing Prompt
All of us have experienced that moment when we would have dug a hole and climbed in it just to get away from the embarrassing experience. Relive and retell your moment in as many words as it takes. Help us to feel your discomfort and laugh if it was funny.

Most Embarrassing Moment
Contest Winner

Recognized


Wikapedia furnished the picture of the bug from hell.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.


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