| Humor Fiction posted September 11, 2016 |
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NOT a children's story.
Animal Talk
by Phyllis Stewart
Jack Pearl had always loved animals. His mother was forever finding frogs in his pockets and stray cats in the laundry basket.
For his sixth birthday, he got a yappy little terrier he named Pokey, because he was always poking his nose into everything.
Pokey slept on Jack’s bed. Every night, Jack would talk to him about their day, and Pokey met his gaze with ears forward, as if listening to every word. But Pokey never answered when Jack asked, “Did you have fun today?” He never had any comment at all, besides “Pet me,” which he said with sign language, by shoving his head under Jack’s hand.
When Jack was in his teens, Pokey went the way of all beloved pets, and Jack found new dogs to love. Cats, too. Even a brightly colored parrot. He had great hopes for the bird, since it did answer his questions. If he asked, “What’s your name?” Rainbow would sit up straight and reply, “Damn it to Hell.” Or something similar he’d picked up from Jack’s dad.
And Rainbow would initiate conversations, often saying, “Whatcha doin’?” Jack would explain his math homework, as well as he understood it, which was about as well as Rainbow did. Meanwhile, Rainbow had moved on with “Who’s a pretty bird?” and “Get down here, now.”
Jack was old enough to know that Rainbow’s talk was nothing more than random phrases he had memorized. The bird didn’t tell him anything about how it felt to be a bird. And Jack really wanted to know. Just as he’d wanted to know why Pokey had poked his nose into everything, why Kitty liked to sleep under the bed, and why frogs liked to eat bugs––a thought that made Jack want to puke.
But none of his animal friends ever told him anything. Jack loved them just the same, but he wondered if there might be a way to communicate both ways. So, when it came time to choose a college major, he chose Animal Behavior Studies.
Four years later, armed with as much knowledge of animals as his mind could hold, Jack found a job at a zoo. He was finally going to talk with the animals, not just to them. He was going to learn what they thought about this, that, and life in general.
Jack enjoyed his work with the animals. They seemed pleased when he fed them. They slept well after he changed their bedding. But he couldn’t know what they were thinking, and surely the animals had thoughts, didn’t they? He had bet his whole life on the theory they did and that it was possible to know what they were thinking. Jack believed he was close. He only had to make initial contact.
One day, after two years at his job, he had a breakthrough. As he approached a cage to feed a lion, he “heard” the animal saying, “Meat. Give it to me.” The message came not through his ears, but directly into his mind. He had achieved mental telepathy with the lion.
“Yes!” Jack danced around, pumping his fists into the air. “I’ve done it.”
The other cats had already been fed, and he rushed back to their habitats. The cheetah turned to look at him.
Jack said, “Hello. How are you?”
The cheetah’s thoughts went directly to Jack’s mind. “I see you looking at me.”
The panther said, “I’m sleepy,” and closed his eyes.
Filled with hope, Jack ran to the bears’ habitat. A female bear was thinking, “I’m in heat. I want a male.”
Another bear was sniffing the ground, thinking, “I know who made this poo.”
In the Savanna display, a male giraffe thought, “I want a female in heat,” as he walked around sniffing butts.
A zebra thought, “I have to pee.” And he did.
Over a period of months, Jack collected information from all the zoo animals and organized it into a book. His cover letter impressed a publisher, who assigned it to an editor who was retiring and never read it. The book, Animal Talk, came out a year later.
Expecting high sales volume based on rave reviews, Jack turned to the Book Review section of the New York Times. There it was. His book. His fortune, waiting to be made.
He read the one-star review.
Animal Talk * * * * *
Animal Talk, copyright © 2016, Baker House Press, a non-fiction book by animal behaviorist Jack Pearl, purports to tell us what animals are thinking. Since Pearl works with all sorts of animals at the Port Hill Zoo, one would expect him to understand them better than the average person. But it’s not just experience with animals that fills this book. He claims to have mental telepathy with them. That’s right. He says their thoughts reach his mind, so what he has written here supposedly is accurate and, given the length of the book at 413 pages, complete.
Rather than try to explain, I’ll let the book speak for itself with some excerpts.
The author asserts that antelopes at the zoo have had the following thoughts:
“I see you looking at me.”
“Grass. I will eat it. Grass. I will eat it. Grass. I will eat it. …”
“I know who made this poo.
“I have to make poo.”
“I have to pee.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“I want a female in heat.” / “I'm in heat. I want a male. ”
“I want to sniff your butt.”
Pearl continues for 31 chapters on the addax, bison, eland, gazelle, oryx, yak, zebra, and 24 other hoofed animals, each of which has expressed the following thoughts:
“I see you looking at me.”
“Grass. I will eat it. Grass. I will eat it. Grass. I will eat it. …”
“I know who made this poo.
“I have to make poo.”
“I have to pee.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“I want a female in heat.” / “I'm in heat. I want a male. ”
“I want to sniff your butt.”
Do you see a pattern? Let’s have a look at some carnivores. Here’s a tiger.
“I see you looking at me.”
“Meat. Give it to me. Meat. Give it to me. Meat. Give it to me. …”
“I know who made this poo.
“I have to make poo.”
“I have to pee.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“I want a female in heat.” / “I'm in heat. I want a male. ”
“I want to sniff your butt.”
And a leopard.
“I see you looking at me.”
“Meat. Give it to me. Meat. Give it to me. Meat. Give it to me. …”
“I know who made this poo.
“I have to make poo.”
“I have to pee.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“I want a female in heat.” / “I'm in heat. I want a male. ”
“I want to sniff your butt.”
That’s essentially the whole book, with anteaters wanting to eat ants, giraffes wanting to eat leaves, pandas wanting to eat bamboo, and so on. In short, animals think about food, sex, comfort, and sleep. We didn't need a book to tell us that.
Jack had to admit the reviewer had a point. He didn't get rich, but he had a good life in a new career. He went back to school and became a butcher.
THE END
Jack Pearl had always loved animals. His mother was forever finding frogs in his pockets and stray cats in the laundry basket.
For his sixth birthday, he got a yappy little terrier he named Pokey, because he was always poking his nose into everything.
Pokey slept on Jack’s bed. Every night, Jack would talk to him about their day, and Pokey met his gaze with ears forward, as if listening to every word. But Pokey never answered when Jack asked, “Did you have fun today?” He never had any comment at all, besides “Pet me,” which he said with sign language, by shoving his head under Jack’s hand.
When Jack was in his teens, Pokey went the way of all beloved pets, and Jack found new dogs to love. Cats, too. Even a brightly colored parrot. He had great hopes for the bird, since it did answer his questions. If he asked, “What’s your name?” Rainbow would sit up straight and reply, “Damn it to Hell.” Or something similar he’d picked up from Jack’s dad.
And Rainbow would initiate conversations, often saying, “Whatcha doin’?” Jack would explain his math homework, as well as he understood it, which was about as well as Rainbow did. Meanwhile, Rainbow had moved on with “Who’s a pretty bird?” and “Get down here, now.”
Jack was old enough to know that Rainbow’s talk was nothing more than random phrases he had memorized. The bird didn’t tell him anything about how it felt to be a bird. And Jack really wanted to know. Just as he’d wanted to know why Pokey had poked his nose into everything, why Kitty liked to sleep under the bed, and why frogs liked to eat bugs––a thought that made Jack want to puke.
But none of his animal friends ever told him anything. Jack loved them just the same, but he wondered if there might be a way to communicate both ways. So, when it came time to choose a college major, he chose Animal Behavior Studies.
Four years later, armed with as much knowledge of animals as his mind could hold, Jack found a job at a zoo. He was finally going to talk with the animals, not just to them. He was going to learn what they thought about this, that, and life in general.
Jack enjoyed his work with the animals. They seemed pleased when he fed them. They slept well after he changed their bedding. But he couldn’t know what they were thinking, and surely the animals had thoughts, didn’t they? He had bet his whole life on the theory they did and that it was possible to know what they were thinking. Jack believed he was close. He only had to make initial contact.
One day, after two years at his job, he had a breakthrough. As he approached a cage to feed a lion, he “heard” the animal saying, “Meat. Give it to me.” The message came not through his ears, but directly into his mind. He had achieved mental telepathy with the lion.
“Yes!” Jack danced around, pumping his fists into the air. “I’ve done it.”
The other cats had already been fed, and he rushed back to their habitats. The cheetah turned to look at him.
Jack said, “Hello. How are you?”
The cheetah’s thoughts went directly to Jack’s mind. “I see you looking at me.”
The panther said, “I’m sleepy,” and closed his eyes.
Filled with hope, Jack ran to the bears’ habitat. A female bear was thinking, “I’m in heat. I want a male.”
Another bear was sniffing the ground, thinking, “I know who made this poo.”
In the Savanna display, a male giraffe thought, “I want a female in heat,” as he walked around sniffing butts.
A zebra thought, “I have to pee.” And he did.
Over a period of months, Jack collected information from all the zoo animals and organized it into a book. His cover letter impressed a publisher, who assigned it to an editor who was retiring and never read it. The book, Animal Talk, came out a year later.
Expecting high sales volume based on rave reviews, Jack turned to the Book Review section of the New York Times. There it was. His book. His fortune, waiting to be made.
He read the one-star review.
Animal Talk * * * * *
Animal Talk, copyright © 2016, Baker House Press, a non-fiction book by animal behaviorist Jack Pearl, purports to tell us what animals are thinking. Since Pearl works with all sorts of animals at the Port Hill Zoo, one would expect him to understand them better than the average person. But it’s not just experience with animals that fills this book. He claims to have mental telepathy with them. That’s right. He says their thoughts reach his mind, so what he has written here supposedly is accurate and, given the length of the book at 413 pages, complete.
Rather than try to explain, I’ll let the book speak for itself with some excerpts.
The author asserts that antelopes at the zoo have had the following thoughts:
“I see you looking at me.”
“Grass. I will eat it. Grass. I will eat it. Grass. I will eat it. …”
“I know who made this poo.
“I have to make poo.”
“I have to pee.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“I want a female in heat.” / “I'm in heat. I want a male. ”
“I want to sniff your butt.”
Pearl continues for 31 chapters on the addax, bison, eland, gazelle, oryx, yak, zebra, and 24 other hoofed animals, each of which has expressed the following thoughts:
“I see you looking at me.”
“Grass. I will eat it. Grass. I will eat it. Grass. I will eat it. …”
“I know who made this poo.
“I have to make poo.”
“I have to pee.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“I want a female in heat.” / “I'm in heat. I want a male. ”
“I want to sniff your butt.”
Do you see a pattern? Let’s have a look at some carnivores. Here’s a tiger.
“I see you looking at me.”
“Meat. Give it to me. Meat. Give it to me. Meat. Give it to me. …”
“I know who made this poo.
“I have to make poo.”
“I have to pee.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“I want a female in heat.” / “I'm in heat. I want a male. ”
“I want to sniff your butt.”
And a leopard.
“I see you looking at me.”
“Meat. Give it to me. Meat. Give it to me. Meat. Give it to me. …”
“I know who made this poo.
“I have to make poo.”
“I have to pee.”
“I’m sleepy.”
“I want a female in heat.” / “I'm in heat. I want a male. ”
“I want to sniff your butt.”
That’s essentially the whole book, with anteaters wanting to eat ants, giraffes wanting to eat leaves, pandas wanting to eat bamboo, and so on. In short, animals think about food, sex, comfort, and sleep. We didn't need a book to tell us that.
Jack had to admit the reviewer had a point. He didn't get rich, but he had a good life in a new career. He went back to school and became a butcher.
THE END
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