Song Lyrics Poetry posted April 8, 2016


Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
becasue it's 1 am and I can't sleep

Of Baseball and Urine

by Mark Valentine

I really don’t have anything to say – the point of this post is the picture. It is a picture of the current standings in the NL Central. You’ll notice that the Cubs are undefeated and in first place. You may further notice that the St. Louis Cardinals have yet to win a game and are in last place. I know we’re only three games into the season, but I wanted to highlight this fact while I can. To summarize: Cubs – undefeated in first. Cardinals – no wins and in last.

You may ask yourself - why am I posting this on a website designed to showcase writing? I can best answer that question by recalling the old joke about an 85 year old man who goes to confession and tells the Catholic priest that he has just made love to two nineteen year old women. When he adds that he is Jewish, the priest asks him “So, why are you telling me this?” He responds “I’m telling everybody!”

That’s really all I have to say, so feel free to stop reading at this point, especially because what follows is juvenile at best.

I was feeling bad about posting something that didn’t feature any actual, you know, writing, so I dug up an old song parody that I wrote many years ago when my son was about five. Those of you who have raised boys will know that, when they are that age, their “aim” is not that good when they urinate, and, to make matters worse, they tend to leave the seat down. (I warned you – get out while you can).

A little more background. The second floor of our house is basically a finished attic. The toilet in the upstairs bathroom is wedged against the wall and the ceiling is directly above it, slanting outward. This arrangement makes it difficult for a normal sized adult male to stand while urinating (actually, it would be difficult for a female too, but for different reasons I suppose). This is really way too much information, right?

Anyway, the point is (the secondary point that is, the main point, in case you missed it earlier, is that the Cubs are in first place. Actually the secondary point would be the Cardinals being in last place, so let’s call this bathroom thing the tertiary point). So the tertiary point is, I would often go to the bathroom after my son had used it, and I had to sit down while urinating. I'm guessing at this point, many of you see where this is headed. Feel free to exit without reviewing - I won't be offended.

Anyway, one day I wrote a song parody about this experience. For the one person who may still be reading, here it is:

To the tune of Bruce Springsteen’s “My Hometown”
 
Last night in bed, my bladder said, It’s time to go
I had to rise, and rub my eyes, I was movin’ slow
The room was dark when I did park, myself to take a whiz
The seat was wet, I said I bet, I know what that is…
It’s my son’s pee
This is my son’s pee
My son’s pee
This is my son’s pee
 
He’s five years old, and I’ve been told, that boys need time
They urinate, in paths unstraight, and it’s no crime
He’s not to blame, for his bad aim. I know I should be kind
But it’s not right, that ev’ry night, I find my behind
In my son’s pee
In my son’s pee
My son’s pee
In my son’s pee
 
I wake up two or three times almost ev’ry night
I stumble to the bathroom and I don’t turn on the light
Now sometimes I‘m not thinking straight at 2 am
You’d think after a time or two I wouldn’t sit again
In my son’s pee
This is my son’s pee
My son’s pee
This is my son’s pee
 
No he’s my son, the only one, the only one I got
But he must learn to get his ur’ne into the pot
Now he’s been told, in terms quite bold, “Don’t leave the seat down!”
Last night I wakened him, and brought him in - said “Son take a good look around”
This is your pee
This is your pee
It’s my son’s pee
This is my son’s pee

 


Recognized


The actual lyrics:

I was eight years old and running with a dime in my hand
Into the bus stop to pick up a paper for my old man
I'd sit on his lap in that big old Buick and steer as we drove through town
He'd tousle my hair and say son take a good look around this is your hometown
This is your hometown
This is your hometown
This is your hometown

In '65 tension was running high at my high school
There was a lot of fights between the black and white
There was nothing you could do
Two cars at a light on a Saturday night in the back seat there was a gun
Words were passed in a shotgun blast
Troubled times had come to my hometown
My hometown
My hometown
My hometown

Now Main Street's whitewashed windows and vacant stores
Seems like there ain't nobody wants to come down here no more
They're closing down the textile mill across the railroad tracks
Foreman says these jobs are going boys and they ain't coming back to your hometown
Your hometown
Your hometown
Your hometown

Last night me and Kate we laid in bed
talking about getting out
Packing up our bags maybe heading south
I'm thirty-five we got a boy of our own now
Last night I sat him up behind the wheel and said son take a good look around
This is your hometown

Pays one point and 2 member cents.


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© Copyright 2017. Mark Valentine All rights reserved.
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