December 11, 2015

I hurt, I'm angry and I can't find my shoe.

November 5th I lost my son.

The first person I called was Krissie
because she knows me best.

She has two daughters
With descriptive words
Like
Daughter in law
And
Foster daughter

And my son's descriptor
Was Step
Step-son

And not even from my current marriage,
but from the one before

Somehow
that means I am supposed to grieve this one faster.
My husband tries to understand but frankly he doesn't.

Michael lived with me for a short time.
I remember his 10 year old face when I met him.
I knew him well until he was fourteen.
Most of all,
I remember the day he told me he loved me.

At fourteen he went back to live with his Mom
and I divorced his Dad.

We stayed in touch
Sporadically
For many years.

One summer he picked me up at the airport in Minneapolis.
I met his wife and children.
We spent the day together.
He was so proud of his family.
He wanted me to know
that despite the pain all of the adults in his life have caused
that he found a way
to be successful, though not rich.
And that his children were going to grow up
knowing that they were loved and taken care of.

He wanted me to know that I was one of the positive adults in his life.
His Dad drank too much.
His Mom was in and out of institutions.

He thanked me for teaching him about having a budget
He proudly told me he was not in debt and paid all of his bills on time.

I don't understand why fate took him away.
At the young age of 37, a heart attack?
Unbelievable!
Now his wife and children have to make it on their own.

I really don't understand how 17 days later
My best friend
My confidant
Krissie
Also left this world.

Complication from knee surgery?
How in heck is that even plausible?

So what does this have to do with my shoe?

I have discovered something about grief.

When your whole body hurts from crying,
When you want to go back to sleep,
When you don't want to go to work but need to,
When you question God's choices.

All of your true weaknesses come out.

And you're too sad to hide them,
like you usually do.

and you have always had trouble with organization.
And something so simple,
like knowing where your shoes are is complicated

So you grab the one shoe you do find
And throw it as hard as you can into the wall
And the wall doesn't break

But you do.