| Letters and Diary Non-Fiction posted February 21, 2016 |
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Biographical Study
Jealousy and Me-Part 2
by michaelcahill
I've lost several relationships to jealousy, if that is what I can call it. Perhaps, there's a point where it isn't jealousy at all. I imagine that's worth exploring. The scenario of a husband's wandering eye and the slightly hurt wife is common. Looking at other women seems harmless enough, but is it really?
This is where individuals become involved. Who is the husband? Who is the wife? It could be harmless; it could be the beginnings of a disaster in the making. It could be a harmless moment to laugh off; it could be a sign of a serious underlying unaddressed problem.
Perhaps the husband has little respect for his wife and demonstrates contempt for her in public, eyeballing every passing skirt while she stands by looking foolish. Maybe she's a castrating demon who humiliates him everywhere they go and he just longs for a friendly smile from anyone.
Maybe he's the kind of guy who wouldn't dream of looking at another woman in his wife's presence. Maybe he wouldn't look if she wasn't there either. Maybe she falsely accuses him constantly of sleeping with every woman who happens to walk within a hundred feet of him. I've been in this exact situation several times. Am I to blame? I have no doubt I am in part. There must be a part of me choosing mistrustful women. And yes, I get the connection to my childhood and all of that. It still doesn't alter the fact I am not looking and I'm being falsely accused.
My reaction, of course, is over the top and completely out of proportion to what is actually transpiring. I admit it. But, there's the problem with psychology and trying to define its terms. I'm not in the book and neither are you. We have our own unique book.
In my case, my reaction is my problem to work on. I can certainly explain my problem and should to my partner. Her problem, if it is insecurity for instance, is her problem and has nothing to do with me. Should she tell me about it? Yes, that would be wise. I can think of a relationship from decades ago that fell apart because neither of us understood each other's perspectives in almost the exact circumstances. I see it now in retrospect.
I recall one scenario in particular. It was two couples who couldn’t communicate with each other. I had met a young girl, a fellow artist. At the time I had abandoned all artistic endeavors and had no intention of pursuing them again. She rekindled those yearnings in me. She had never received encouragement for her artistic pursuits either. We became close friends, bonded together by our mutual pursuit of art and understanding what that meant to each other.
She was gay and over twenty years my junior. Neither of us had any intention of a romance. Our respective mates didn’t see it that way. They were both jealous of our friendship. They treated us as a cheating couple. We had to sneak around just to speak on the telephone. Eventually both relationships fell apart. Neither of us could tolerate the jealousy over nothing. As a result, nothing turned into something.
Maybe I engineered it, I don’t know. I must admit I wasn’t overly disappointed in the result. The fact remains, had our partners simply let us pursue our friendship in broad daylight, none of it would have happened. But they were both jealous that we shared something they had no part of.
I’ve had that happen to me often. My mate has displayed jealousy over my abilities as far as music or singing and even gone out of their way to subvert my career. Is that jealousy? I suppose it is. I don’t know what else to call it.
I've had worse break-ups and some featured truly insane accusations causing a knee-jerk reaction on my part based on my early childhood experiences of mistrust. Were they doomed from the start? Probably. But, had there been any attempt to communicate our deepest feelings, the relationships may have stood a chance.
I know this, communication at the very least improves the individuals involved. It might not be for the current relationship, but it certainly will help the next one.
But, I'm insanely optimistic, a fault that sometimes comes in handy. I always think there's a chance it can work out, jealousy notwithstanding.
This has been cathartic for me and I'm sure one of the main motivators for me to explore this. It's important to note that in anything human, the more we try to define ourselves the more we realize definition is impossible. We are each an entity unto ourselves. Our only hope is to define ourselves to each other one on one, and one at a time. The more I get to truly know those I love, the more I love them. That tells me, the more they know me, the more they will love me. For this to happen, I have to take the risk. I have to tell it all and rely on kindness. I know I'll be okay; I've found a loving heart every time I've sought one.
The End
I've lost several relationships to jealousy, if that is what I can call it. Perhaps, there's a point where it isn't jealousy at all. I imagine that's worth exploring. The scenario of a husband's wandering eye and the slightly hurt wife is common. Looking at other women seems harmless enough, but is it really?
This is where individuals become involved. Who is the husband? Who is the wife? It could be harmless; it could be the beginnings of a disaster in the making. It could be a harmless moment to laugh off; it could be a sign of a serious underlying unaddressed problem.
Perhaps the husband has little respect for his wife and demonstrates contempt for her in public, eyeballing every passing skirt while she stands by looking foolish. Maybe she's a castrating demon who humiliates him everywhere they go and he just longs for a friendly smile from anyone.
Maybe he's the kind of guy who wouldn't dream of looking at another woman in his wife's presence. Maybe he wouldn't look if she wasn't there either. Maybe she falsely accuses him constantly of sleeping with every woman who happens to walk within a hundred feet of him. I've been in this exact situation several times. Am I to blame? I have no doubt I am in part. There must be a part of me choosing mistrustful women. And yes, I get the connection to my childhood and all of that. It still doesn't alter the fact I am not looking and I'm being falsely accused.
My reaction, of course, is over the top and completely out of proportion to what is actually transpiring. I admit it. But, there's the problem with psychology and trying to define its terms. I'm not in the book and neither are you. We have our own unique book.
In my case, my reaction is my problem to work on. I can certainly explain my problem and should to my partner. Her problem, if it is insecurity for instance, is her problem and has nothing to do with me. Should she tell me about it? Yes, that would be wise. I can think of a relationship from decades ago that fell apart because neither of us understood each other's perspectives in almost the exact circumstances. I see it now in retrospect.
I recall one scenario in particular. It was two couples who couldn’t communicate with each other. I had met a young girl, a fellow artist. At the time I had abandoned all artistic endeavors and had no intention of pursuing them again. She rekindled those yearnings in me. She had never received encouragement for her artistic pursuits either. We became close friends, bonded together by our mutual pursuit of art and understanding what that meant to each other.
She was gay and over twenty years my junior. Neither of us had any intention of a romance. Our respective mates didn’t see it that way. They were both jealous of our friendship. They treated us as a cheating couple. We had to sneak around just to speak on the telephone. Eventually both relationships fell apart. Neither of us could tolerate the jealousy over nothing. As a result, nothing turned into something.
Maybe I engineered it, I don’t know. I must admit I wasn’t overly disappointed in the result. The fact remains, had our partners simply let us pursue our friendship in broad daylight, none of it would have happened. But they were both jealous that we shared something they had no part of.
I’ve had that happen to me often. My mate has displayed jealousy over my abilities as far as music or singing and even gone out of their way to subvert my career. Is that jealousy? I suppose it is. I don’t know what else to call it.
I've had worse break-ups and some featured truly insane accusations causing a knee-jerk reaction on my part based on my early childhood experiences of mistrust. Were they doomed from the start? Probably. But, had there been any attempt to communicate our deepest feelings, the relationships may have stood a chance.
I know this, communication at the very least improves the individuals involved. It might not be for the current relationship, but it certainly will help the next one.
But, I'm insanely optimistic, a fault that sometimes comes in handy. I always think there's a chance it can work out, jealousy notwithstanding.
This has been cathartic for me and I'm sure one of the main motivators for me to explore this. It's important to note that in anything human, the more we try to define ourselves the more we realize definition is impossible. We are each an entity unto ourselves. Our only hope is to define ourselves to each other one on one, and one at a time. The more I get to truly know those I love, the more I love them. That tells me, the more they know me, the more they will love me. For this to happen, I have to take the risk. I have to tell it all and rely on kindness. I know I'll be okay; I've found a loving heart every time I've sought one.
The End
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