Humor Script posted January 11, 2016


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Vol 11 in the Scenes from a Marriage series

Scenes: The Musical

by Mark Valentine


 
As the curtain opens, Mark (who I imagine being portrayed by George Clooney) is alone on stage. He addresses the audience:

MARK: Greetings and welcome to our show. My name is Mark. As you can see, I’m very good looking. What you can’t see is that I’m also humble – actually that’s really the great thing about me – my humility. I come by it honestly, for you see, I’ve led a hard life. I’ve had to be both father and mother to my three kids. It’s not that my wife’s dead or anything. She’s just real lazy.

MAGGIE: (from offstage) Excuse me!

Maggie (who I imagine being portrayed by Agnes Moorehead –is she still alive?) enters from stage left.

MARK: Oops. Didn’t see you there.

MAGGIE: Apparently not. You were saying?

MARK: I can’t remember exactly. I think I was just about to tell these fine people about the heavenly bliss that is our marriage.

MAGGIE: Allow me to help.

(Music starts.)
To the tune of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”
 
Maggie:          Look at my life and pity it!
                       I’m married to this idiot!
                       I go to bed, and this thought fills my head:
                       We’ll still be married tomorrow.
 
Mark:             Don’t know what I was thinking,
                      Must have proposed while drinking.
                      Now she’s my wife,
                      And unless I take my life,
                      We’ll still be married tomorrow.
 
 
 (both together) Sometimes when things upset us,
                         We fantasize about divorce.
                         The Catholic Church won’t let us,
                         So for now, we must stay the course.
 
Maggie:           I put up with sarcasm
                        And fake ev’ry or..
 
MARK: WHOA! STOP! CUT THE MUSIC! TMI Babe. Besides, we’ve got some Canadians in the audience. We can’t go all “Book of Mormon” on them.

MAGGIE: What does being Canadian have to do with anything?

MARK: Everyone knows that they’re polite people with a sense of decorum.

MAGGIE: Is that so?

MARK: Sure, it’s scientific. People in cold climates tend to be more polite because they’re stuck indoors with each other a lot and they have to get along.

MAGGIE: Chicago has a fairly cold climate.

MARK: Exactly, and you’ll notice that I’m usually polite to you, in spite of the whole menopause thing you’ve got going on these days.

MAGGIE: Really? The menopause thing again?

MARK: I don’t think you fully appreciate how it affects the family.

MAGGIE: I don’t think you appreciate what an idiot you are. Besides, it’ll be over soon.

MARK: You’ve been saying that for five years now.
 
(Music starts)
To the tune of “Summer Nights”
 
 
Maggie:                Menopausin’, it’s almost past.
Mark:                    Menopausin’, how long can it last?
Maggie:                I think I’m handling it pretty well.
Mark:                    I think the gates have opened to hell!
 
Both:                     In the day, things are OK,
                             But, uh oh, those hormonal nights.
 
Mark’s friends:     Well-a well-a well-a huh,
                            Tell me more, tell me more,
                            Cuz we’re very afraid.
                            Tell me more, tell me more,
                            Do you ever get laid?
 
Maggie:               I don’t like it when he leaves the seat up.
Mark:                   She gets hot and won’t turn the heat up.
Maggie:               We were dancing and he let me fall.
Mark:                   She gets crabby for no reason at all.
 
Both:                    In the day, we stay far away,
                            But uh, oh those hormonal nights.
 
Maggie’s friends: Well-a well-a well-a huh,
                             Tell me more, tell me more,
                             Does he act like a putz?
                             Tell me more, tell me more,
                             Have you cut off his nuts?

All:                        Shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop
                             shoo-bop-bop shoo-bop-bop shoo-bop-bop YEAH!
 
Maggie:              It’s no picnic just so you know.
Mark:                  Seems it started so long ago.
Maggie:              When it’s over we’ll still be friends.
Mark:                  I can’t wait till menopause ends.
 
Both:                 It’s understood that our life’s pretty good
                         But uh-oh those hormonal nights
All:                    Tell me more
                         Tell me more
 
 
MAGGIE: So are you saying that you don’t like being around me?

MARK: Nonsense! I love spending time with you.

MAGGIE: Cuz I’m a delight to be around you know!

MARK: Abso-frigging-lutely.

MAGGIE: Do I detect some sarcasm?

MARK: Sarcasm? Me? No. At least I don’t think so. It’s so much a part of me now, that even I can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic.

MAGGIE: Cuz I can take a different train to work you know. Sometimes I worry that, since we started taking the train downtown together every day, you feel that we’re together too much.

MARK: Is there such a thing as too much togetherness?
(to the audience) In case you’re wondering what she’s talking about, last year, Maggie got a job downtown which meant that we would be able to commute together. Every day. Imagine my delight.

(Music starts)
To the tune of “Happy Together”
(Mark sings)
 
Each morning when I leave the house  - my spouse,
Comes with me as I go to work - what a great perk!
We ride together on the train  - ain’t that insane!
Commuting together!
 
She sits right next to me – yippee!
And talks to me incessantly - because you see,
She has so much to say to me, whenever we’re,
Commuting together!
 
I can’t see me having a moment alone, for all my life.
On the golf course texts pop up on my cell phone, from my dear wife.
 
She and I - and I and she.
Can’t tell you how it fills my heart - with frickin’ glee.
To always ride the train with her – eternally.
Commuting together!
 
Commuting together !
We're separate never!
This marital tether,
Will bind us forever!
In all kinds of weather,
We commute together!
 
MAGGIE: Again, I detected a bit of sarcasm in your tone there.

MARK: No, I like commuting with you, It’s just that I got used to doing my crossword puzzles on the train, and, ya know, the whole solitude thing has its advantages.

MAGGIE: Well, you can still take the train by yourself if you want. I can catch a later one.

MARK: No, that’s OK.

MAGGIE: Well, maybe every once in a while, we could commute separately. We’ll start tomorrow.

MARK: No, I’ll take the train with you.

MAGGIE: (doing her best Bogart impersonation) Look, if you don’t get on that train by yourself, you’re gonna regret it. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but soon, and for the rest of your life.

MARK: Hey, that was pretty good.

MAGGIE: See, I can be funny sometimes too.

MARK: Sometimes.

MAGGIE: We don’t always have to be together. After all (Reverting to the Bogart impersonation) We’ll always have Wrigley.

MARK: Ah, yes, the scene of our first date. I remember it well. You wore green – the Cubs wore blue. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

MAGGIE: Being a Cubs’ fan is sort of a metaphor for marriage, don’t you think?

MARK: Yeah, I see what you mean.
 
(music starts)
To the tune of “Stand By Your Man”
 
(Both)              Sometimes it’s hard to be a Cub fan.
                        Rooting for that team ain’t always grand.
                        For over a cent’ry,
                        We’ve not gained entry,
                        Into our pastime’s promised land.
 
                        But if you love them, you’ll keep hoping.
(Maggie)          In that regard, they’re like a man.
(Both)              So raise your voice now – we’ve got no choice now,
                        Cuz after all they’re our home team.
 
                       Stand by your Cubs!
                       Go sit out in the bleachers,
                       With all the off-work teachers,
                       When days are hot in August.
                       Stand by your Cubs!
                       And show the world you love them,
                      Though there may be much better clubs,
                      Stand by your Cubs!
 
(Curtain comes down on Act 1 – to be continued…?)

 


Story of the Month contest entry

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Sorry for the alignment on some of the song lyrics -tried to get the margins straight but it always looked different when I hit "save".

Also, I tried to pick familiar songs to parody, but here are links to the originals in case you're interested:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbxxkwBQk_o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZW0DfsCzfq4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZEURntrQOg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwBirf4BWew
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