General Fiction posted November 28, 2015

This work has reached the exceptional level
A contest story


by alvina224224

I did have a cushy little job. Short hours, good pay, close to home, and good bosses to work for.
Then along came Government cut-backs, and I was made redundant last week. It came quite unexpectedly, and I was livid because I'd worked for the Benefits Department for over twenty years and, to my way of thinking, I should have been the last one to go. That busty blonde who started a month ago should have been the first one to be made redundant, because she didn't do much work. Just sat in the boss's office and displayed her legs in their sexy black mesh stockings, while he pretended to be making phone calls.

But there it is, I got the 'push' and I just have to keep the money coming in, to keep my old man happy. And the kids need more clothes all the time, I often wonder how they can manage to get holes in their socks, the first day they wear them.

So now I'm searching the paper for another job, which isn't going to be easy. Being over fifty, and without a beautiful face and figure, I stand as much chance as a walrus trying to tap-dance.

I could be self employed, I suppose, and take in ironing. But hours of flattening things so that they can be wrinkled up, dirtied, and have to be washed, would drive me nuts. It's all I can do to keep up with my own laundry, anyway. I haven't seen the bottom of the laundry basket since the twins were born, and they're fifteen years old next week.

There's more money we'll have to find. Kids aren't satisfied with a trip to the movies, or a beach picnic these days. They want a trip to Las Vegas or the Taj Mahal, or something just as ridiculous.

Then there's gardening, but if I saw one spider I'd be going straight to the doctor for shock treatment. Ooh, I hate the things. Always have - well, ever since my brother put one down my jumper. I must have been about three, I think. I remember enjoying the hiding he got from Ma and the box of chocolates I got from Dad. He's a vet now and got his own business. I wonder if he would give me a job? Probably not, because he knows the first time a cat or dog dies, I'd be a cot case.

Let me think about babysitting? Oh god, no! I have enough to do with my own kids, and I could murder them, sometimes. Last Friday, they decided to use my best set of sheets to make kites, got the kites caught on the chimney and pulled it down onto Dad, who was digging in the garden. They were laughing like jackals. Not Dad, of course, he spent the night in hospital, with suspected concussion.

How about going back to waitressing? Not after the last debacle. I'll never live it down. I had a waitress job in in the pub down the road, and it was always chaos at lunchtime. Customers complained all the time - food was too hot, or too cold, and the beer was too warm. One mob who came in had obviously submerged a few bottles, and they were the sort who considered themselves God's Gift. One of them was a real smart-arse, and demanded soup as hot as he could get it. It wasn't my fault the soup tipped in his lap. I don't suppose every customer will put his hand on my bum, but I wouldn't want to risk it. I might be serving him spaghetti!

Aha! I might try nursing. I've always liked the thought of carrying a torch around at night. Perhaps I would discover a patient has fallen out of bed with a heart attack, and I gave him the Kiss of Life before the doctor came. Would I be honoured for saving his life? Imagine the ceremony when the CEO of the hospital presented me with a medal for quick thinking and skill. On second thoughts, being a scatterbrain as my Dad always said, I probably get my patients mixed up and give a double dose of laxative pills to someone with severe diarrhoea.

What about being a stripper? Now there's a great way to earn some money. All those jobs I'd get on Bachelor's Nights would be fun. Just do a couple of Gypsy Rose Lee moves, kid the blokes I'd be available, and enjoy giving the groom-to-be a night he'd never forget. I don't think the old man would be too happy about me having that job. But knowing me, I'd probably get the address wrong and end up causing an instant divorce of a couple married for fifty years!

There's typing in the Council Offices; being a librarian, or I could try my hand at baking. Yeah, right! I remember my father-in-law was a professional baker for Sainsbury's, and tried to teach me how to make top class scones.

"Treat the mixture like you'd handle a new baby," he said. "Use iced water and don't knead the dough. Pat it gently into shape, then cut your scones quickly, and put them in the oven for just ten minutes."

So I tried that. Dongs! They could have been used as ammunition for rocket-launchers.

I've just had a brilliant idea. I'll be a writer. Knock out a couple of novels, sell millions of books, sell the screen rights and become famous. I'd make a mint of money.

Yes, that's it - make way for the new J.K.Rowlings- can't be too difficult, can it?

Job List contest entry


I know many people who have had to face being unemployed, and it is especially difficult for over-50's.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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