Humor Script posted September 15, 2015


Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
First in a series of mostly-true vignettes from a marriage

Scenes from A Marriage: Menopause

by Mark Valentine


(A chilly September evening in the Valentine home. Maggie sits reading in the living room. Mark enters)

MARK: Hon, you know it’s September now, and it’s supposed to get down into the forties tonight. I was thinking that maybe we could turn off the air conditioning.

MAGGIE: (Glares, but does not respond)

MARK: The kids have started wearing their coats to bed again.

MAGGIE: I’m sweating. You have no idea what’s it’s like to go through menopause. You should give thanks that you’re not a middle-aged woman

MARK: I do that every night. But back to my point about the air conditioning.

MAGGIE: Do you want me to have a heat stroke?

MARK: It’s 49 degrees in here. I’m not sure you understand how heat strokes work. Anyway, shouldn’t this menopause thing be over by now? I thought it took a couple of months.

MAGGIE: It takes years.

MARK: It’s been years. I’m pretty sure that Clinton was president when this thing started.

MAGGIE: And Clinton will be president when it ends. Besides, you took me for better or worse remember.

MARK:  (mumbling) Yeah, 'till death do us part'.

MAGGIE: Did you say something?

MARK: Nothing – They should just be a little more explicit about these things in the marriage vows – full disclosure would have been nice.

MAGGIE: Are you saying you wouldn’t have married me?

MARK: No, I just might have scheduled things a little differently. Maybe do a military tour of duty about now.

MAGGIE: You, in the military?

MARK: Why not?

MAGGIE: What branch do you think would take you?

MARK: Coast Guard.

MAGGIE: Coast Guard?

MARK: Yeah, I’d be a good fit.

MAGGIE: Do you even know what they do?

MARK: They guard the coast.

MAGGIE: How would you guard the coast?

MARK: I dunno. Walk a beat I guess.

MAGGIE: Walk a beat?

MARK: Yeah, you know along the Atlantic. Keep an eye out for the Portuguese.

MAGGIE: Because Portugal might invade us?

MARK: It could happen. They’re pretty close you know. They used to be a world power. Vasco da Gama, Magellan. It’s got to burn them that nobody thinks about them much anymore. They’ve probably been planning a comeback for a while now.

MAGGIE: Funny, I read the International section of the New York Times every Sunday. Haven’t heard too much about that.

MARK: You don’t think they’d broadcast it do you? It’s all covert.

MAGGIE: So you’re telling me that Portugal, unbeknownst to everyone but you, is making plans to invade the United States?

MARK: No, I’m telling you that they could be making plans to invade the United States, but they’re not. Do you know why not?

MAGGIE: The Coast Guard?

MARK: Absolutely right – the Coast Guard baby!

MAGGIE: I’m thinking it would be at least as cold walking a beat on the beach in the winter as it is in here. How is the Coast Guard going to help you stay warm?

MARK: Well, the thermostat setting isn’t the only downside of this whole menopause thing.

MAGGIE: Do tell.

MARK: It’s just that you can get … at times…a little bit… ya know…moody.

MAGGIE: EXCUSE ME?!!

MARK: (Goes to the phone and dials 411) Hello information – I’d like the number to the Coast Guard recruiting office please.

MAGGIE: (hangs up the phone) You’re an idiot. If you’re really that cold, why don’t you go upstairs and get under the covers.

MARK: It’s kind of early for bed.

MAGGIE: I was thinking I might turn in myself (gives a wink).

MARK: But it’s only eight thirt… Oooh! Good night, kids. Turn off the lights before you go to bed – and be sure to wear your coats.

 


Recognized


I was thinking of doing a series of vignettes (mostly humorous) of various stages in the life of a marriage, using (unbeknownst to my wife) our marriage as the template.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.


Save to Bookcase Promote This Share or Bookmark
Print It View Reviews

You need to login or register to write reviews. It's quick! We only ask four questions to new members.


© Copyright 2017. Mark Valentine All rights reserved.
Mark Valentine has granted FanStory.com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.