Waking up dead isn't that bad. It's quite peaceful actually. There's a sense of...belonging, yeah, belonging is a good word...it's like...as if I've come home.

I can't remember much about my dying and ending up here...wherever, 'here' is. I can see me though, lying there on the floor. That is so weird. Hmmm, I could have died with a bit more panache, for wotsit's sake, but then again, mum always said I was a bit...never mind, won't go there. Just take a look at my skirt, its right up around my hip grippers! Trust me to be wearing a thong. How embarrassing.

So, what happens now? Do I have to ring a bell or something? Are you there, God? Isn't there supposed to be a bright light? Something, you know, a ladder, Jacob's Ladder, I think they call it. Perhaps it was a tunnel. People who almost make it to heaven always come back and tell us of this bright light ...which, now I come to think of it, seems to be oddly missing at the moment. Oh, hang on, for wotsits sake, I'm not going...Please say I'm not going...I can't even say it...Please, God, please say I'm not going down...there!

Stop it. Let's have a think. I haven't murdered anyone; that's a going downable offence. I haven't smashed any old ladies over the head, not that I haven't thought of it sometimes...Hey! Was that it, God, just because I thought about it? That wouldn't be fair, Your Lordship, You didn't put that in the ten commandments. I think I can appeal on that if that's why You haven't sent the ladder down for me.

Oh, what's happening now? Ambulance crew...Oh, thank you, what a nice boy, pulling my skirt down. Not until he'd inspected the goods, though. Hmm. That'll put him right off, LOL. Now what are they doing?

"I can't feel a pulse, but I think she could only just have gone; let's see if we can get her back. Pass me the defibrillator, Tod, and step back."

What are they doing? Oh, I don't think I'm going to like this.....Whoa there! I felt that!

"Again; stand clear!"

Hey! Careful now, don't damage the overcoat, I might need it again!

"We've got a pulse, Trev. Get the oxygen. That's it, put it on her, then we'll get her to the hospital. I wonder what happened to the guy who rang the emergency services.  She's very lucky that he did, anyway."

Hang on! If you've got a pulse, what am I still doing out here?

"Ready? Right, on three, then lift onto the stretcher. Two-three-hup we go!"

Watch it, not so fast, you nearly gutted me internals!  Hmmm, how did you do that? I can't see any string...it's like...nah, that'd be whacky...but I can't think of anything else it could be. I'm attached to some sort of cervical cord again!

                                                           ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Make way...emergency coming through!"

Might just as well have a sit down on me own lap. If it weren't so bleeding stupid, it'd be hilarious. What d'you reckon, huh? Hmmm, you don't look too good to me, perhaps that's because I'm still out here; that could lead to plenty of problems later if this lot don't get it sorted.

"Pulse is very weak. She needs a blood transfusion...she's lost a lot. How's her blood pressure?"

"It's very low. She'll need at least a couple of pints, possibly more; I'll hook her up to an intravenous glucose-drip to boost her immune system."

A bit of G&T in it would go down well, and it'd boost the old blood pressure! Hang on...how did I manage to lose so much blood? I've got to try and remember. Where was I when I died? Oh, I hate it when I can't think. Hang on, I remember... It was that weasel Freddy's idea.

                                                            ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

'Oh, come on, don't be such a spoilsport,' Freddy said sullenly. 'We can be in and out in a jiffy, no one will know.'

'Hmm, I'm still not sure. It's condemned, so it must be dangerous in there; and supposing Jenny lied? We're only taking her word for it. If there's still stuff there for the picking, why didn't she go and get it with her mates? And why would the owners leave it there if it was worth anything? I never did trust that girl.'

'Well, let's prove she's wrong.' Freddy cajoled in his little boy voice.

                                                            ~*~*~*~*~*~*~
                                                        
And that was it, Freddy had the last word as usual; and I end up bleeding dead, for wotsits sake! We didn't even find anything, it was just as I said. Nothing but rubble and a very rotten floor, which I sodden well fell through! I'll pickle his bits in vinegar when I find him!

Hey you lot, don't give up on me, I've got things to do, and I need that body to do them with!

"We're losing her again, quick--bring the defibrillator--hurry now!"

Yes, hurry up, you jerk! Can't be hanging around here much longer; not now. I have  a certain person to see, and just because he rang you, doesn't mean he's not going to get a bit of ear wagging.

"Right...clear...go. And, again...clear...go."

Ahhh, you're dragging me in. Oh, don't like this bit! Hang on, I've come back out again.

"Nearly had her, once more, clear...go!"

I heard that...my heart's beating...and again, hooray! Oh bugger, here I go again...so weird...

"Pulse is getting stronger. We're getting her. Got her!  Good work, everyone."