| Biographical Non-Fiction posted October 23, 2014 |
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Contest entry
Resolving Grief
by dejohnsrld (Debbie)
After a serious accident that resulted in the amputation of my left leg, I went through three years of emotional turmoil, which at the time, I could not explain. Sadness, anger, etc., are completely inadequate to describe the state I was in. I blamed myself for not being able to cope with the changes in my life. This led to intense feelings of guilt relentlessly plaguing me for several years. It wasn’t until nearly ten years later, when I decided to write the story of this time period, that I began to understand my feelings were entirely natural considering the events that had occurred.
Writing it was a long and painful process as I struggled through reliving the events of those first three years. As I wrote about the ongoing illness, a dozen surgeries, intense pain, weeks of hospitalization as well as loss of my career, income and nearly my house, I began to realize it was as if my life had died but my physical being continued to go on.
We are often told to get over it, snap out of it, get it together, and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps when we are grieving. Society does not like to accept the profound effect of grieving in our lives and the necessity of doing so in order to recover and heal after major changes or losses. Our grief is difficult for others to understand and accept as it makes them uncomfortable. Besides the physical and psychological trauma occurring,grief often leads to loss of friendships as well. When we most need help, relationships evaporate, resulting in a lonely trip on the journey through grief.
The first studies on grief were conducted in the 1960’s with the work of American Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book,' On Death and Dying', which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. This continues to be the most widely accepted work on grief to date.
Grief occurs with many events beside terminal illness. Death of someone with whom you have a relationship , change in employment or social status, divorce or loss of a friend, and substance abuse can all result in grief.
Although grief is different for each person and each event, they do share similarities which Kübler-Ross’ model describes as five stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages may overlap or move back and forth with a certain stage recurring over and over. The time spent in each stage varies and sometimes acceptance is never achieved, leaving the griever ‘stuck’ in one of the other stages.
Denial is simply the refusal to accept an event, such as:
- I can’t have cancer as I don’t feel sick.
- Dad will be fine. He’s a strong man.
- They can’t fire me. I am too important to the company.
- He loves me and will never leave.
- Drugs aren’t a problem. I can quit anytime.
Anger is feeling the event is punishment or unfair and lashing out at others who could be responsible. Sometimes this is a person, sometimes it is God. Sometimes it manifests as self-blame.
- He’s just so stupid to leave me. I hate him.
- It’s the doctor’s fault. He should have known this before and I could have been treated.
- I only drink because she makes me so angry.
- It’s my fault Mom is dying. I should have taken more time to care for her.
- Everyone I know is dying because God is mad at me for my indiscretions.
- The company is doing poorly and are using me as a scapegoat.
Bargaining is the desire to give something on your part in exchange for a positive outcome to a situation:
- I’ll end my affair if you stay with me.
- God, I’ll go to church every Sunday, if you cure my cancer.
- I’ll only drink on weekends.
- I promise to keep my room clean if Daddy comes back to live with us.
- I’ll visit the nursing home twice a week if you make Dad better.
Depression comes as one realizes that bargaining won’t work. It is usually exhibited as profound sadness, loss of hope, and feeling out of control. The feelings of powerlessness/failure/guilt are common.
Acceptance is realizing the situation won’t improve and trying to make the best of it. Therapy, substance abuse treatment, increased spirituality, appropriate self-care, and a strong support system are important to reaching acceptance.
Those who don’t go through the stages and reach acceptance become angry and bitter people, forever depressed and unhappy. They are unable to return to a normal life or once again find happiness and fulfillment.
With a progression through the stages of grief, it is possible to become a happier and stronger person. I have seen this in my life and hope others are able to find this gift in theirs.
And please remember when others are grieving, your unconditional positive regard will mean so very much. I needed people to support me during this time. Too often, friends and family turn away rather than accpt who we are at that time, and the grieving person is left to suffer alone.
When we help others, we help ourselves.
~~*~~
Non-Fiction Writing Contest contest entry
After a serious accident that resulted in the amputation of my left leg, I went through three years of emotional turmoil, which at the time, I could not explain. Sadness, anger, etc., are completely inadequate to describe the state I was in. I blamed myself for not being able to cope with the changes in my life. This led to intense feelings of guilt relentlessly plaguing me for several years. It wasn’t until nearly ten years later, when I decided to write the story of this time period, that I began to understand my feelings were entirely natural considering the events that had occurred.
Writing it was a long and painful process as I struggled through reliving the events of those first three years. As I wrote about the ongoing illness, a dozen surgeries, intense pain, weeks of hospitalization as well as loss of my career, income and nearly my house, I began to realize it was as if my life had died but my physical being continued to go on.
We are often told to get over it, snap out of it, get it together, and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps when we are grieving. Society does not like to accept the profound effect of grieving in our lives and the necessity of doing so in order to recover and heal after major changes or losses. Our grief is difficult for others to understand and accept as it makes them uncomfortable. Besides the physical and psychological trauma occurring,grief often leads to loss of friendships as well. When we most need help, relationships evaporate, resulting in a lonely trip on the journey through grief.
The first studies on grief were conducted in the 1960’s with the work of American Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book,' On Death and Dying', which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. This continues to be the most widely accepted work on grief to date.
Grief occurs with many events beside terminal illness. Death of someone with whom you have a relationship , change in employment or social status, divorce or loss of a friend, and substance abuse can all result in grief.
Although grief is different for each person and each event, they do share similarities which Kübler-Ross’ model describes as five stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages may overlap or move back and forth with a certain stage recurring over and over. The time spent in each stage varies and sometimes acceptance is never achieved, leaving the griever ‘stuck’ in one of the other stages.
Denial is simply the refusal to accept an event, such as:
Anger is feeling the event is punishment or unfair and lashing out at others who could be responsible. Sometimes this is a person, sometimes it is God. Sometimes it manifests as self-blame.
Bargaining is the desire to give something on your part in exchange for a positive outcome to a situation:
Depression comes as one realizes that bargaining won’t work. It is usually exhibited as profound sadness, loss of hope, and feeling out of control. The feelings of powerlessness/failure/guilt are common.
Acceptance is realizing the situation won’t improve and trying to make the best of it. Therapy, substance abuse treatment, increased spirituality, appropriate self-care, and a strong support system are important to reaching acceptance.
Those who don’t go through the stages and reach acceptance become angry and bitter people, forever depressed and unhappy. They are unable to return to a normal life or once again find happiness and fulfillment.
With a progression through the stages of grief, it is possible to become a happier and stronger person. I have seen this in my life and hope others are able to find this gift in theirs.
And please remember when others are grieving, your unconditional positive regard will mean so very much. I needed people to support me during this time. Too often, friends and family turn away rather than accpt who we are at that time, and the grieving person is left to suffer alone.
When we help others, we help ourselves.
~~*~~
Writing it was a long and painful process as I struggled through reliving the events of those first three years. As I wrote about the ongoing illness, a dozen surgeries, intense pain, weeks of hospitalization as well as loss of my career, income and nearly my house, I began to realize it was as if my life had died but my physical being continued to go on.
We are often told to get over it, snap out of it, get it together, and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps when we are grieving. Society does not like to accept the profound effect of grieving in our lives and the necessity of doing so in order to recover and heal after major changes or losses. Our grief is difficult for others to understand and accept as it makes them uncomfortable. Besides the physical and psychological trauma occurring,grief often leads to loss of friendships as well. When we most need help, relationships evaporate, resulting in a lonely trip on the journey through grief.
The first studies on grief were conducted in the 1960’s with the work of American Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book,' On Death and Dying', which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. This continues to be the most widely accepted work on grief to date.
Grief occurs with many events beside terminal illness. Death of someone with whom you have a relationship , change in employment or social status, divorce or loss of a friend, and substance abuse can all result in grief.
Although grief is different for each person and each event, they do share similarities which Kübler-Ross’ model describes as five stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages may overlap or move back and forth with a certain stage recurring over and over. The time spent in each stage varies and sometimes acceptance is never achieved, leaving the griever ‘stuck’ in one of the other stages.
Denial is simply the refusal to accept an event, such as:
- I can’t have cancer as I don’t feel sick.
- Dad will be fine. He’s a strong man.
- They can’t fire me. I am too important to the company.
- He loves me and will never leave.
- Drugs aren’t a problem. I can quit anytime.
Anger is feeling the event is punishment or unfair and lashing out at others who could be responsible. Sometimes this is a person, sometimes it is God. Sometimes it manifests as self-blame.
- He’s just so stupid to leave me. I hate him.
- It’s the doctor’s fault. He should have known this before and I could have been treated.
- I only drink because she makes me so angry.
- It’s my fault Mom is dying. I should have taken more time to care for her.
- Everyone I know is dying because God is mad at me for my indiscretions.
- The company is doing poorly and are using me as a scapegoat.
Bargaining is the desire to give something on your part in exchange for a positive outcome to a situation:
- I’ll end my affair if you stay with me.
- God, I’ll go to church every Sunday, if you cure my cancer.
- I’ll only drink on weekends.
- I promise to keep my room clean if Daddy comes back to live with us.
- I’ll visit the nursing home twice a week if you make Dad better.
Depression comes as one realizes that bargaining won’t work. It is usually exhibited as profound sadness, loss of hope, and feeling out of control. The feelings of powerlessness/failure/guilt are common.
Acceptance is realizing the situation won’t improve and trying to make the best of it. Therapy, substance abuse treatment, increased spirituality, appropriate self-care, and a strong support system are important to reaching acceptance.
Those who don’t go through the stages and reach acceptance become angry and bitter people, forever depressed and unhappy. They are unable to return to a normal life or once again find happiness and fulfillment.
With a progression through the stages of grief, it is possible to become a happier and stronger person. I have seen this in my life and hope others are able to find this gift in theirs.
And please remember when others are grieving, your unconditional positive regard will mean so very much. I needed people to support me during this time. Too often, friends and family turn away rather than accpt who we are at that time, and the grieving person is left to suffer alone.
When we help others, we help ourselves.
~~*~~
 Recognized |
Thanks to Phyllis Stewart for the artwork
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