Fantasy Fiction posted October 12, 2014


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The Witches Cauldren

by michaelcahill

Halloween game show Contest Winner 












"Game good. Fire bad."
 
Frankenstein's monster stared at the audience who stared back in bemused bewilderment. He didn't look good, not even for Frankenstein's monster. There wasn't any fear. They had no idea that this wasn't Hollywood make-up. How could they know that this particular reality game show was actually real?
 
"Crap! Get his attention. Show him the prompters. People. I thought we had this solved. Read the words on the screen… never mind. Go to commercial. Cut! Cut!"
 
"I knew this would happen, Elvira. Why didn't you just go out there and have a wardrobe malfunction like we planned? He looked like an idiot. He just stood there like a wax dummy. Go talk to him."
 
"Very well." Elvira was getting older. Well, she was ancient. But, the deal she had made with the unholy one was still in effect. She still had the rack of doom and they still had not become familiar with gravity. Her face, however, made raisons the world over dream of the day.
 
"Listen, Steinster, we can salvage this. Just look menacing and read the prompter." She pointed to the teleprompter and the monster kept his eyes glued to her ample bosom.
 
"Rack goooooood! Rack gooooood!"
 
Elvira covered her bosom and the monster calmed down.
 
"The monitor!"
 
He looked at the monitor and spoke the words on the screen, "Good evening, boys and Ghouls. Tonight's show will be a spooktacular game of suspense as our contestants try to win what's in the witch's cauldron… Are you kidding me? Who the hell wrote this drivel? They made Socrates drink hemlock for better material than this. The witch's cauldron? I did all three of them last night. Those cauldrons are as dusty as your make-up mirror, Elvira."
 
"To hell with it, where's Wolfman?"
 
"Right here, Miss Elvira."
 
"What? You've got to be kidding me, Caspar Milquetoast. You're the ferocious flesh eating Wolfman. What the hell, you look like a hairless Chihuahua. What gives?"
 
"You should see me at midnight. That's when I switch and it is on and crackin' Miss Elvira."
 
"What good does that do me now?"
 
"Mummy! I can smell that two thousand year old outfit. Where are you?"
 
The mummy came shuffling up preceded by a stench that was hard to believe.
 
"On top of that you had to have anchovies on your pizza? Can you read the drivel that’s on the screen?"
 
He shook his head dropping his lips into her cleavage.
 
"Cute. He can't speak. Who's left?"
 
"Ma'am, Dick Cheney is in your office. He says he wants to see your work permit."
 
"What? Work permit! I've been in this country seventy-three… I mean… ahh… I've been here since I was a little girl. He doesn’t even work for the government."
 
"I know that. He says he does this for fun."
 
Elvira rushed to her dressing room.
 
"I'll need to see your papers, Elvira. I think you're illegal. Whoa! Or, you should be! Maybe we could work something out."
 
Elvira smiled. "Clear the room."
 
About five minutes later, Dick Cheney came staggering out wearing a pirate's hat.
 
"Good evening, boys and Ghouls. I'm Long Dick Silver, fearsome pirate of Elvira's booty. Are you sick of the government reaching into your pocket with their hooked claw? Are you tired of them sticking their peg leg down your throat with government regulations?"
 
The audience screamed as one. He was indeed terrifying. The show was sure to be a success.
 
"Let's bring out our first contestant. Bill Clinton. You're the first contestant on the Witches Cauldron!"
 
Bill walked out eyeing the ladies in the crowd, winking and giving the thumbs up sign. He spied Elvira in the wings. "Hey, Elvira, good to see you." He looked sincerely into the camera. "I did not have sex with that woman." The audience burst into laughter and stood in rousing applause.
 
Cheney picked up the cue. "Yes, Bill, none of us did!" Once again, laughter from the audience as they rose to their feet.
 
"Next on the panel is… Richard M. Nixon!"
 
The crowd gasped as one as Richard Nixon floated out to stage. He smiled and gave the V for Victory symbol with both hands. "I am not a crook. But, he is!" He pointed to Bill Clinton.
 
The entire panel including Bill exploded into laughter. The audience burst into applause as they once again rose to their feet. They were whistling and howling this time.
 
Bill Clinton said, "I never steal what they do not give freely." He had that overly sincere expression on his face and managed to keep the look even as Nixon's ghost flew around the room howling with laughter.
 
Dick Cheney stuck his finger in a light socket to defibrillate his heart that had stopped.
 
"And finally, the master of phraseology, the Reverend… Jesse Jackson!" The spotlight came on as Salt n Peppa launched into "What a Mighty Good Man". The Rev. smiled as a sea of confetti fell from the ceiling and the suddenly huge stadium audience rose to their feet singing, "We Are the World".
 
"Dope will not thrive. Two and three are five. Keep hope alive!" The representative from California rose to his feet. "Mr. Chairman. The great state of California, home of Governor Jerry Moonbeam, is proud to cast 223 votes for Hilary Clinton, one vote for poet Joe the Alliterating Drunk and three votes for the next President of the United States of America, the Reverend Jesse 'Tell it Like it Should Be' Jackson!" California Dreamin' played in the background as more confetti showered the convention floor. Walter Cronkite lay dead on a slab in skeletal form. He had been dead for over thirty-five years and his presence was a mystery.
 
"Let's play Witch's Cauldron!"
 
Several witches of varying ages flew around the studio on broomsticks cackling and hurling epithets at the audience.
 
"You're a yummy looking little girl. You'd taste delicious in my porridge! Ha, he, he, hooooo!"
 
"Walmart- for all your shopping needs. Halloween sale for the kiddies! Ka-chinnng!"
 
"OOOWAWWWW! Cheap brooms. I have a splinter. Is there a doctor in the house?"
 
"The object of the game is to answer questions correctly and score enough points to win what is in the Witch's Cauldron! It's that simple."
 
"Hands on buzzers. Spiro, you buzz in for Nixon. Oh, you're a ghost too… ummmm. Henry then. Okay, we're set. First question, she was noted for being the first… bzzzzzz Bill Clinton!"
 
"46 double D, Dick?"
 
"That's right, Bill. She was the first woman to receive silicone implants. Her name was never remembered by anyone that met her. What size bra did she wear? 46 double D is correct. Points to Bill Clinton. What charity are you playing for today, Bill?"
 
"The home for easy women, Dick."
 
Nixon chimed in, "You mean your house, right Bill?"
 
"I need to build another wing." Bill bit his lower lip and gave the thumbs up sign. The crowd went wild.
 
"Okay. Next question. Born a poor boy in Plains, Georgia. He made his fortune farming peanuts."
 
"Peanuts. Empty huts. Seemore Butts. Find some sluts. Education… escape those ruts!" Jesse Jackson's entourage shouted, "Yes, sir!" in unison.
 
"No, Reverend, good advice though. I'm sorry. Kissinger, buzzing in for Nixon?"
 
"Who is Jimmy Carter?"
 
Bzzzzzzz "No. Sorry. Bill Clinton!"
 
"Who is BILLY Carter."
 
"That is correct. BILLY Carter, BILLY. Jimmy just rode his coattails."
 
"Okay. He was a Roman Emperor. He was a real thumbs up kinda guy. He once walked on the moon's surface. He invented the use of pencil sharpeners as a fashion statement."
 
"Henry Kissinger for Richard Nixon."
 
"Who is Joe the Butcher from The Beverley Glen Happy Fun Meat Market?"
 
"Oh! I'm sorry. Bill Clinton."
 
"Who is Betty the floor sweep at the Beverley Glen Happy Fun Meat Market?"
 
"Yes. Joe always took credit for her accomplishments. I see we are out of time. That makes Bill Clinton our winner today. Let's take a look inside the Witch's Cauldron."
 
Bill walked over and peeked inside. A look of horror came over his face. From out of the cauldron rose Hilary Clinton. She had Joe Biden's smiling head on the end of a stick with a candle inside of it.
 
"Trick or treat!"
 
"I did not have sex with that woman!"
 
Abraham Lincoln joined the figures on Mr. Rushmore in uproarious laughter. Even the Marine amphibious unit landing on the sandy beach of the stage broke into a few chuckles. Fire engulfed the set. They were all very much at home and warmed by it.
 
"Tune in next week when our contestants will be:
 
Lassie, Mighty Joe Young and, once again, Bill Clinton.
 
An all-animal episode of:
 
The Witches Cauldron!"




 


Halloween game show
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