| Humor Fiction
posted September 24, 2014
A Short Story
My Date With Rosie Perez
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
Ever since I saw Rosie Perez in "Do the Right Thing" I have wanted to go on a date with her. I'm not the kind of guy that sits around dreaming of what might have been. That kind of thinking is for losers. Why dream about a date with Rosie Perez? Why not just get a date with Rosie Perez? Yep, that's the way I look at it. And that's what I plan to do. There isn't a damn thing in my life that matters more.
Of course, my small-minded friends tell me that I have a screw loose.
"Are you crazy? What the hell would Rosie Perez want with your old ass? You don't even have a job!"
Well, I point out to dear Marcie that being an acclaimed international author is a job of sorts, just ask Stephen King.
My best friend, Clark, tells me that Rosie wouldn't give the time of day to a man my age. Yeah, like she is so shallow that my age would be a factor. Besides, I look good for my age. The receptionist at the Proctologist assures me of that every time I ask her. I'm regular too… tell me that isn't a plus!
I've been writing her letters. I know she is busy being the most desirable superstar on the face of the earth and stuff, but I'm confident that she will answer me soon. Here's my latest letter:
I'm still waiting for a response to my previous letters. I know you're busy darlin', so no worries. I've nicknamed my wiener "Mookie" and had "Mookie loves you, Rosie" tattooed on it. Actually, it says, "Mookie loves you, Rosie. Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on Earth?" Hee hee. Just kidding. There wasn't enough room! I had to put most of it on my testicles. OOOOCH! The pain was worth it in order to make a magnificent living memorialized tribute to the most perfect exemplification of womanization in the universes known and not known.
Well, it's these tender little secrets that we share that make our relationship so deep like the darkest abyss of steaming molten love spewing through the unforgiving mantle of public opinion. I KNOW! No one writes such amazing imagery in letters anymore. An occupationally hazardous conditional response! Tee Hee.
I'll let you go. Got the runs. Love like only we can experience bound together, Prince Yum (that is what I'm guessing you'd call me)
My stupid friends don't understand the depth of feeling in a letter like this. They're too busy living their humdrum-get-married-to-the-one-you-love-live-a-real-life-that-isn't-a-complete-insane-fantasy lives. I await Rosie's response.
I'm sorry I didn't finish this right away. I've been in the hospital for two months. Rosie didn't come to visit. I'm sure she was busy making a movie or something. We have an understanding. I never want to get in the way of her career. I had a problem with my tattoo. It became infected and everything fell off. No big deal. I do miss the beautiful tattoo though. But, I took care of that and had it redone on my buttocks. I hope that doesn't get infected!
I'm a girl now, so I have to change my approach. I'm sure Rosie will be willing; after all, it is still me. Instead of Prince Yum, it is Princess Yum. It kinda has a better ring to it I think. I'm getting used to being a girl now. I just need to remember to sit down when I pee. I've written Rosie to tell her all about it. I'm sure she will be happy to remind me. I can't wait 'till our first date!
Whooo HOOO!! A reply from Rosie!
Dear Mr. or Ms. Yum,
I appreciate your interest in me and your endless letters. But, I'm not available for dating at this time. I'm concerned about your health. It sounds like you may not be making good decisions. I worry about you spending time in the hospital. I hope you will take my advice and speak to a professional about this. Now, please stop sending me letters. I'm sure you're a nice person, but I'm just not available. Okay?
OH YEAH! Read it and weep. He shoots he scores! A bird in the bush jumped into my hand and pooped. She's concerned about me. Did you hear me? ME… concerned. Not available at this time… Well, now it is a different time than it was when it was this time. This time is now that time. The time it is now is now a new this time. Must write.
My flower in a field of stinkweed. My centipede in a jar of worms. My fruit fly stuck on the flytrap with a bunch of dead ordinary houseflies. You so stand out like all of these things. How thrilled I was to receive your intimate letter. Just knowing that your thinking about me thrills me and my new plastic vagina to the point where there is almost feeling in it. I'm taking your advice and talking to a professional. I think it's best to use a wedding planner too. We'll be too excited with the thoughts of our wedding night to worry about what kind of flowers the bridesmaids should wear. I think we should wear matching gowns, don't you? Of course, the hormones don't seem to be producing much in the way of breasts for me. But, hey! You're rich. You can afford implants for me. Write me soon. I'm more excited than a pervert at a Toys R Us midnight madness sale!
Love, Princess Yum
Stop writing me if you want to stay out of jail. I tried to be nice and suggest help for you. I'm not going to marry a freak like you. Is that clear enough? Ms. Perez
Yea! This couldn't have worked out better. S&M. Wow. She's into bondage. Yes, Rosie, I've been a bad girl. Of course, you wouldn't marry a freak like me. You'll just keep me tied up in your bedroom. This is my dream come true. My friends thought it was impossible.
I knew I'd get a date with Rosie Perez!
Desperate contest entry
Yes, this is a little crazy. But, if anyone knows Rosie, tell her about me...
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