I watch Monday Night Football for the hits, the thrill and general excitement of the event, and yes football is an event. My wife, bless her soul, joins me for quite a different reason.  She says she just likes to spend time with me. I’m not so sure about that, but I don’t mind her being there as long as she’s quiet, but she never is.

“Who is the guy in the black shirt throwing the ball to?”

“He was throwing the ball away, baby.”

“Well, he should be fined. They make too much money to be throwing the ball away.”

“You don’t understand how to play real games.”

“Don’t I?”

I did not answer. Long ago I learned the art of the nod. I gave her my best nod of no comment. The game went to commercial.

During a football game there are only three kinds of commercials: Trucks, Beer, and Erectile Dysfunction.  I have a new car. I don’t drink, and last time I checked, everything worked. So, I tuned it out and logged into FanStory.

“Do not use unless your heart is healthy enough for sexual activity….” Certain things always catch a man’s attention. Not saying I need it, just saying, I noticed it.

“Honey, is your heart strong enough for sex?” she asked twirling her hair.

Not knowing where she was going, but hoping it was to a better sport than football, I skipped the nod.

“You know the answer to that, baby, but if you need a demonstration.”

“No, no.” She cut me off with a wave of her little hand. “If you had heart problems, would you dare take Viagra?”

“Sure I would.  There are some things worth dying for,” I tell her, trying to lead the conversation back to a happy ending.

“So, you would die for sex?”

“Girl, I would die having sex. I can’t think of a better way to go.”

“That would traumatize me for life. I wouldn’t be able to have sex again, at least not with a person.”

“Sounds like a win – win to me.” Then it hit me. “What do you mean, not with a person?”

“Nothing, I’m going to bed.” She got up, walked toward the bedroom and closed the door.

As the game resumed, I found, I just couldn’t get into it. My mind kept wondering about what she said. Dude, you know what she meant. I bet she’s got one of them ‘you-know-what’ right now. Are you just going to sit here and be replaced by the Energizer Bunny?

Every now and then my imagination bled into reality and I heard buzzing sounds. Get in there! Finally, I gave in and headed to the bedroom. I opened the door and looked at… nothing.

I heard the TV come on, and hurried back.

“Well, since you left, I can watch something else,” she said sitting in my La-Z-Boy with a devil grip on the remote.

 I discovered that my wife understood real games very well.