| Humor Fiction posted June 11, 2013 |
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Sawing off a limb may be easier
My New Diet
by Roxanna Andrews
I have sadly come to the conclusion that starving myself is the only way I am ever going to lose weight. There just comes a time in life when fat loves you so much, it just can't let you go. So my diet begins and I've decided to keep a log of each day just to help me process all that I will be feeling during this time.
My Diet Log
(Diet consists of Water)
Day 1 8am
So far not too bad, but I'm getting out of bed now,
so we shall see how the rest of the day goes.
10am
Water is good. Ice water is best. Love ice water.
12pm
Water is boring now, lets try flavored water. Much better.
3pm
A little 'rumbly in the tumbly' as Pooh would say. 'Pooh', who
names their bear 'Pooh'? What a stupid name.
5pm
I'm taking a sleeping pill and going to bed.
Day 2
Someone just kill me, PLEASE!!!
Day 3
Sorry about day two's posting. The second day is always the
hardest I've heardddddddddddddddd.
Whoops, I passed out on the "D" key. Silly me.
Day 4
I hate traffic! I wish I had one of those big trucks
with those big giant wheels so I could just run over
all the cars in my way. I hate the people driving the
cars too. They're all idiots!!!!
Day 5
My co-workers keep yelling at me to stop
whimpering! I hate my co-workers!
Day 6
I hate my boss! Why can't she just mind her own business?!
"Roxanna, did you get that report done like I asked you to?"
DO IT YOURSELF!!!
Day 7
People are just so stinking sensitive these days! You have
one screaming tirade and it's the end of the world!!! Big
babies!!! I hate everyone!!!
Oh, today is weigh in day. Lets just check out those
numbers. I feel so much thinner!
0.3 ounces. Let me just check those numbers again.
0.3 ounces.
WHERE DID I PUT THOSE STINKING POTATO CHIPS!!!
Day 8
Sadly my diet did not go as planned. But on the bright side
I'll be so busy looking for a new job and making new friends,
I won't have time to do much eating. =}
I have sadly come to the conclusion that starving myself is the only way I am ever going to lose weight. There just comes a time in life when fat loves you so much, it just can't let you go. So my diet begins and I've decided to keep a log of each day just to help me process all that I will be feeling during this time.
My Diet Log
(Diet consists of Water)
(Diet consists of Water)
Day 1 8am
So far not too bad, but I'm getting out of bed now,
so we shall see how the rest of the day goes.
10am
Water is good. Ice water is best. Love ice water.
12pm
Water is boring now, lets try flavored water. Much better.
3pm
A little 'rumbly in the tumbly' as Pooh would say. 'Pooh', who
names their bear 'Pooh'? What a stupid name.
5pm
I'm taking a sleeping pill and going to bed.
Day 2
Someone just kill me, PLEASE!!!
Day 3
Sorry about day two's posting. The second day is always the
hardest I've heardddddddddddddddd.
Whoops, I passed out on the "D" key. Silly me.
Day 4
I hate traffic! I wish I had one of those big trucks
with those big giant wheels so I could just run over
all the cars in my way. I hate the people driving the
cars too. They're all idiots!!!!
Day 5
My co-workers keep yelling at me to stop
whimpering! I hate my co-workers!
Day 6
I hate my boss! Why can't she just mind her own business?!
"Roxanna, did you get that report done like I asked you to?"
DO IT YOURSELF!!!
Day 7
People are just so stinking sensitive these days! You have
one screaming tirade and it's the end of the world!!! Big
babies!!! I hate everyone!!!
Oh, today is weigh in day. Lets just check out those
numbers. I feel so much thinner!
0.3 ounces. Let me just check those numbers again.
0.3 ounces.
WHERE DID I PUT THOSE STINKING POTATO CHIPS!!!
Day 8
Sadly my diet did not go as planned. But on the bright side
I'll be so busy looking for a new job and making new friends,
I won't have time to do much eating. =}
 Recognized |
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Losing weight can make one very emotional.
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