| General Fiction posted November 6, 2012 |
  |
Humor and pain of growing a KIA
Care and Feeding of a KIA
by Deniz22
It’s not easy being a know-it-all!
I certainly would not have chosen such a life. It was thrust upon me, this mantle of perception and wisdom, and has become both my blessing and my curse.
Let’s have a definition of terms: who is a know-it-all?
Answer: A know it all is someone who knows more than you and can prove it.
Having experienced the slings and arrows that accompany the life of a KIA (know it all), I offer this list of items that will help you to develop into a full blown KIA. You must be male, of course.
#1. Be on your guard.
Having been born to become the KIA I am, I can promise you that some will hate you and others will love you, if you too are a KIA. For example, let’s suppose in casual dinner talk, one KIA (all and only men are potential KIAs) dominates the conversation, giving expert analysis and resolution to every subject brought up at the table.
I know by personal experience, that a KIA will not be valued for his expressed expertise, but rather vilified, privately at least. Be assured, it can happen publicly as well, and is hurtful, but one can learn to heal quickly, even as I do.
Now, let us imagine another scenario, where the very same maligned KIA is consulted and his cerebral qualities celebrated. It turns out that he is a famous brain surgeon, and one who recently mocked him, is in dire need of his services! My, how the attitude has changed! The mocker is now happy that he is in the hands of this famous brain surgeon, who is a KIA about brain surgery!
No, I am not a famous brain surgeon and I only use this example to prove my point. However, fantasizing a similar turn of vindicating events has proven helpful in my healing process.
#2. Bloodline is very important for potential KIAs.
I come from a long line of KIAs. One such uncle stated it this way, “I was born walking and talking!”
That’s the attitude to cultivate! Do not allow the reality of an occasional failure to dim your claim to fame. Grandfather exhibited the attributes of a true KIA and passed those precious genes down to me. Family lore showcases his calling as a KIA. One time, late at night, he sat smoking his pipe while sitting up with a sick cow. When he woke up, his barn was on fire. He knew immediately that the barn was on fire and what to do about it.
He calmly closed the door so the fire would not be accelerated by any draft. Then he went for a bucket of water. He would have handled the whole thing too, if Grandma had not called the fire department. He got back from the creek, a little skinned and bruised from a couple of inconsequential falls in the dark, to find that the fire department was only able to save half the barn and rescue the sick cow.
He knew he would have done both and healed the cow in the process, if left to himself.
Not only that, but Grandpa felt justifiable angry at Grandma, since he had been able to douse several other barn fires he had started on other occasions. He was an experienced KIA, and thus confident.
#3. Becoming a full blown KIA is a process.
A rolling stone may gather no moss, but the KIA knows the value of gathering experience as he rolls through opposition, flattening all resistance. My father was a KIA, with élan. He personified all the usual attitudes of a true KIA, but added in an element of open celebration after demonstrating his superior knowledge. This is the signature mark of a perfected KIA, and one to be highly desired.
Once, he was working in a room where some scientists were discussing the safest way to ship an expensive microscope to another lab. This was in the days before bubble-wrap, so numerous suggestions were offered and unanimously rejected. It is agonizingly difficult for a full-bore KIA to maintain silence in that type of a situation! I too, have often felt and yielded to that pressure, boring right in to offer my excellent advice!
My father spoke up, “Simply build a wooden box, place your microscope in it, and fill it with sawdust.”
The scientists were amazed! “That’s great! How did you come up with that?”
(We KIAs live for moments like this!)
“Easy,” replied my father, “I’m not a scientist.”
A word of caution here; my father’s example of twisting the knife of knowledge while inserting it, is best left alone, admired perhaps, but unused. Unless, of course, you are as quick with your fists as he was.
#4. It may be best to let prudence be your guide in revealing your superiority over the common herd.
IOW, choose your audience carefully. It’s sad to see two gifts to humanity (KIAs) publicly destroy each other. IO,OW, look for people who don’t know or think about much of anything and try to bring them up to a level of knowledge that allows them to appreciate your much higher level of inteligence.These types are easily identified by the puzzled looks on their faces when you first begin to work with them.
Take Darwin, for instance. When people want and choose to ignore the Good Book’s simple revelation that God created the world and all that’s in it, they are set up to fall for anything. Thus Darwin was able to imagine the source of life in a mud puddle and convince others that they would be smart to listen to him and gaze into his puddle with him. One poor clod of a fellow Bible believer wrote this about that:
"He says his relatives had to climb,
out of a puddle of muck and slime;
take him away, he ain't no kin o'mine!"
Darwin saw his opportunity and seized it when it was there and a good thing for him. If he tried to pull that today, even the scientists that evolved from his findings would laugh at him. This brings us to another point to be considered for the safety of those who aspire to maturity in being a KIA.
5. Every developing KIA must deal with the other gender.
The determination to handle this relationship in a positive manner is vital. Yes, even crucial, if married to one of them. On the one hand, they can be helpful if they understand your necessity of being a successful KIA. On the other, they can be lethal to your greatness if you don’t handle them with all the wisdom of …, well, a KIA.
Be sympathetic, and as difficult as it may be, imagine having to live with someone who knows more than you do! This they must do, 24/7, so you are required to help them. You must honor them without seeming to be overtly condescending, i.e., "throwing them a bone". Failure in this area is the source of untold grief for many a KIA!
Here’s how I learned (yes, I too had to learn, on occasion) to make my wife head of my fan club and not the leader of my opposition. I once bought a very complicated, disassembled outdoor barbeque grill and was doggedly assembling it, when I realized that certain important parts were missing. There was nothing to do but return it to the box it came in and then to take it back to the big box store whence it came.
I hate doing that kind of thing, so the crippled grill sat in its incomplete state for about a month. Then one day, my wife, with a strange smile on her face that resembled one usually only seen on the face of a fully developed KIA, waved a plastic bag in my face.
In it were the missing parts to the grill! Astounded, I said, “Where did you get those?”
“I looked in the box the grill came in, and guess what? There they were! Now, get busy and put it together!”
Here’s where my virgin unspoken KIA wisdom and experience kicked in. sometimes, it's better to say nothing. As my readers can see, I could have looked into the box and found those parts. Anyone could have. But she did, it was her brief moment in the spotlight, and I, who had often been there, was prepared to be magnanimous toward her minor triumph. It’s not easy being the wife of a KIA so there’s lots of room for kindness toward them.
“Okay, Honey", I said, "Any steaks in the freezer for tonight?”
“Yes", she said, still smiling that strange KIA smile that told me my work of making her my cheerleader was not done.
“Do you think you can find them?”
It’s not always easy being a KIA, either.
.
Short Humor Stories contest entry
It’s not easy being a know-it-all!
I certainly would not have chosen such a life. It was thrust upon me, this mantle of perception and wisdom, and has become both my blessing and my curse.
Let’s have a definition of terms: who is a know-it-all?
Answer: A know it all is someone who knows more than you and can prove it.
Having experienced the slings and arrows that accompany the life of a KIA (know it all), I offer this list of items that will help you to develop into a full blown KIA. You must be male, of course.
#1. Be on your guard.
Having been born to become the KIA I am, I can promise you that some will hate you and others will love you, if you too are a KIA. For example, let’s suppose in casual dinner talk, one KIA (all and only men are potential KIAs) dominates the conversation, giving expert analysis and resolution to every subject brought up at the table.
I know by personal experience, that a KIA will not be valued for his expressed expertise, but rather vilified, privately at least. Be assured, it can happen publicly as well, and is hurtful, but one can learn to heal quickly, even as I do.
Now, let us imagine another scenario, where the very same maligned KIA is consulted and his cerebral qualities celebrated. It turns out that he is a famous brain surgeon, and one who recently mocked him, is in dire need of his services! My, how the attitude has changed! The mocker is now happy that he is in the hands of this famous brain surgeon, who is a KIA about brain surgery!
No, I am not a famous brain surgeon and I only use this example to prove my point. However, fantasizing a similar turn of vindicating events has proven helpful in my healing process.
#2. Bloodline is very important for potential KIAs.
I come from a long line of KIAs. One such uncle stated it this way, “I was born walking and talking!”
That’s the attitude to cultivate! Do not allow the reality of an occasional failure to dim your claim to fame. Grandfather exhibited the attributes of a true KIA and passed those precious genes down to me. Family lore showcases his calling as a KIA. One time, late at night, he sat smoking his pipe while sitting up with a sick cow. When he woke up, his barn was on fire. He knew immediately that the barn was on fire and what to do about it.
He calmly closed the door so the fire would not be accelerated by any draft. Then he went for a bucket of water. He would have handled the whole thing too, if Grandma had not called the fire department. He got back from the creek, a little skinned and bruised from a couple of inconsequential falls in the dark, to find that the fire department was only able to save half the barn and rescue the sick cow.
He knew he would have done both and healed the cow in the process, if left to himself.
Not only that, but Grandpa felt justifiable angry at Grandma, since he had been able to douse several other barn fires he had started on other occasions. He was an experienced KIA, and thus confident.
#3. Becoming a full blown KIA is a process.
A rolling stone may gather no moss, but the KIA knows the value of gathering experience as he rolls through opposition, flattening all resistance. My father was a KIA, with élan. He personified all the usual attitudes of a true KIA, but added in an element of open celebration after demonstrating his superior knowledge. This is the signature mark of a perfected KIA, and one to be highly desired.
Once, he was working in a room where some scientists were discussing the safest way to ship an expensive microscope to another lab. This was in the days before bubble-wrap, so numerous suggestions were offered and unanimously rejected. It is agonizingly difficult for a full-bore KIA to maintain silence in that type of a situation! I too, have often felt and yielded to that pressure, boring right in to offer my excellent advice!
My father spoke up, “Simply build a wooden box, place your microscope in it, and fill it with sawdust.”
The scientists were amazed! “That’s great! How did you come up with that?”
(We KIAs live for moments like this!)
“Easy,” replied my father, “I’m not a scientist.”
A word of caution here; my father’s example of twisting the knife of knowledge while inserting it, is best left alone, admired perhaps, but unused. Unless, of course, you are as quick with your fists as he was.
#4. It may be best to let prudence be your guide in revealing your superiority over the common herd.
IOW, choose your audience carefully. It’s sad to see two gifts to humanity (KIAs) publicly destroy each other. IO,OW, look for people who don’t know or think about much of anything and try to bring them up to a level of knowledge that allows them to appreciate your much higher level of inteligence.These types are easily identified by the puzzled looks on their faces when you first begin to work with them.
Take Darwin, for instance. When people want and choose to ignore the Good Book’s simple revelation that God created the world and all that’s in it, they are set up to fall for anything. Thus Darwin was able to imagine the source of life in a mud puddle and convince others that they would be smart to listen to him and gaze into his puddle with him. One poor clod of a fellow Bible believer wrote this about that:
"He says his relatives had to climb,
out of a puddle of muck and slime;
take him away, he ain't no kin o'mine!"
Darwin saw his opportunity and seized it when it was there and a good thing for him. If he tried to pull that today, even the scientists that evolved from his findings would laugh at him. This brings us to another point to be considered for the safety of those who aspire to maturity in being a KIA.
5. Every developing KIA must deal with the other gender.
The determination to handle this relationship in a positive manner is vital. Yes, even crucial, if married to one of them. On the one hand, they can be helpful if they understand your necessity of being a successful KIA. On the other, they can be lethal to your greatness if you don’t handle them with all the wisdom of …, well, a KIA.
Be sympathetic, and as difficult as it may be, imagine having to live with someone who knows more than you do! This they must do, 24/7, so you are required to help them. You must honor them without seeming to be overtly condescending, i.e., "throwing them a bone". Failure in this area is the source of untold grief for many a KIA!
Here’s how I learned (yes, I too had to learn, on occasion) to make my wife head of my fan club and not the leader of my opposition. I once bought a very complicated, disassembled outdoor barbeque grill and was doggedly assembling it, when I realized that certain important parts were missing. There was nothing to do but return it to the box it came in and then to take it back to the big box store whence it came.
I hate doing that kind of thing, so the crippled grill sat in its incomplete state for about a month. Then one day, my wife, with a strange smile on her face that resembled one usually only seen on the face of a fully developed KIA, waved a plastic bag in my face.
In it were the missing parts to the grill! Astounded, I said, “Where did you get those?”
“I looked in the box the grill came in, and guess what? There they were! Now, get busy and put it together!”
Here’s where my virgin unspoken KIA wisdom and experience kicked in. sometimes, it's better to say nothing. As my readers can see, I could have looked into the box and found those parts. Anyone could have. But she did, it was her brief moment in the spotlight, and I, who had often been there, was prepared to be magnanimous toward her minor triumph. It’s not easy being the wife of a KIA so there’s lots of room for kindness toward them.
“Okay, Honey", I said, "Any steaks in the freezer for tonight?”
“Yes", she said, still smiling that strange KIA smile that told me my work of making her my cheerleader was not done.
“Do you think you can find them?”
It’s not always easy being a KIA, either.
.
I certainly would not have chosen such a life. It was thrust upon me, this mantle of perception and wisdom, and has become both my blessing and my curse.
Let’s have a definition of terms: who is a know-it-all?
Answer: A know it all is someone who knows more than you and can prove it.
Having experienced the slings and arrows that accompany the life of a KIA (know it all), I offer this list of items that will help you to develop into a full blown KIA. You must be male, of course.
#1. Be on your guard.
Having been born to become the KIA I am, I can promise you that some will hate you and others will love you, if you too are a KIA. For example, let’s suppose in casual dinner talk, one KIA (all and only men are potential KIAs) dominates the conversation, giving expert analysis and resolution to every subject brought up at the table.
I know by personal experience, that a KIA will not be valued for his expressed expertise, but rather vilified, privately at least. Be assured, it can happen publicly as well, and is hurtful, but one can learn to heal quickly, even as I do.
Now, let us imagine another scenario, where the very same maligned KIA is consulted and his cerebral qualities celebrated. It turns out that he is a famous brain surgeon, and one who recently mocked him, is in dire need of his services! My, how the attitude has changed! The mocker is now happy that he is in the hands of this famous brain surgeon, who is a KIA about brain surgery!
No, I am not a famous brain surgeon and I only use this example to prove my point. However, fantasizing a similar turn of vindicating events has proven helpful in my healing process.
#2. Bloodline is very important for potential KIAs.
I come from a long line of KIAs. One such uncle stated it this way, “I was born walking and talking!”
That’s the attitude to cultivate! Do not allow the reality of an occasional failure to dim your claim to fame. Grandfather exhibited the attributes of a true KIA and passed those precious genes down to me. Family lore showcases his calling as a KIA. One time, late at night, he sat smoking his pipe while sitting up with a sick cow. When he woke up, his barn was on fire. He knew immediately that the barn was on fire and what to do about it.
He calmly closed the door so the fire would not be accelerated by any draft. Then he went for a bucket of water. He would have handled the whole thing too, if Grandma had not called the fire department. He got back from the creek, a little skinned and bruised from a couple of inconsequential falls in the dark, to find that the fire department was only able to save half the barn and rescue the sick cow.
He knew he would have done both and healed the cow in the process, if left to himself.
Not only that, but Grandpa felt justifiable angry at Grandma, since he had been able to douse several other barn fires he had started on other occasions. He was an experienced KIA, and thus confident.
#3. Becoming a full blown KIA is a process.
A rolling stone may gather no moss, but the KIA knows the value of gathering experience as he rolls through opposition, flattening all resistance. My father was a KIA, with élan. He personified all the usual attitudes of a true KIA, but added in an element of open celebration after demonstrating his superior knowledge. This is the signature mark of a perfected KIA, and one to be highly desired.
Once, he was working in a room where some scientists were discussing the safest way to ship an expensive microscope to another lab. This was in the days before bubble-wrap, so numerous suggestions were offered and unanimously rejected. It is agonizingly difficult for a full-bore KIA to maintain silence in that type of a situation! I too, have often felt and yielded to that pressure, boring right in to offer my excellent advice!
My father spoke up, “Simply build a wooden box, place your microscope in it, and fill it with sawdust.”
The scientists were amazed! “That’s great! How did you come up with that?”
(We KIAs live for moments like this!)
“Easy,” replied my father, “I’m not a scientist.”
A word of caution here; my father’s example of twisting the knife of knowledge while inserting it, is best left alone, admired perhaps, but unused. Unless, of course, you are as quick with your fists as he was.
#4. It may be best to let prudence be your guide in revealing your superiority over the common herd.
IOW, choose your audience carefully. It’s sad to see two gifts to humanity (KIAs) publicly destroy each other. IO,OW, look for people who don’t know or think about much of anything and try to bring them up to a level of knowledge that allows them to appreciate your much higher level of inteligence.These types are easily identified by the puzzled looks on their faces when you first begin to work with them.
Take Darwin, for instance. When people want and choose to ignore the Good Book’s simple revelation that God created the world and all that’s in it, they are set up to fall for anything. Thus Darwin was able to imagine the source of life in a mud puddle and convince others that they would be smart to listen to him and gaze into his puddle with him. One poor clod of a fellow Bible believer wrote this about that:
"He says his relatives had to climb,
out of a puddle of muck and slime;
take him away, he ain't no kin o'mine!"
Darwin saw his opportunity and seized it when it was there and a good thing for him. If he tried to pull that today, even the scientists that evolved from his findings would laugh at him. This brings us to another point to be considered for the safety of those who aspire to maturity in being a KIA.
5. Every developing KIA must deal with the other gender.
The determination to handle this relationship in a positive manner is vital. Yes, even crucial, if married to one of them. On the one hand, they can be helpful if they understand your necessity of being a successful KIA. On the other, they can be lethal to your greatness if you don’t handle them with all the wisdom of …, well, a KIA.
Be sympathetic, and as difficult as it may be, imagine having to live with someone who knows more than you do! This they must do, 24/7, so you are required to help them. You must honor them without seeming to be overtly condescending, i.e., "throwing them a bone". Failure in this area is the source of untold grief for many a KIA!
Here’s how I learned (yes, I too had to learn, on occasion) to make my wife head of my fan club and not the leader of my opposition. I once bought a very complicated, disassembled outdoor barbeque grill and was doggedly assembling it, when I realized that certain important parts were missing. There was nothing to do but return it to the box it came in and then to take it back to the big box store whence it came.
I hate doing that kind of thing, so the crippled grill sat in its incomplete state for about a month. Then one day, my wife, with a strange smile on her face that resembled one usually only seen on the face of a fully developed KIA, waved a plastic bag in my face.
In it were the missing parts to the grill! Astounded, I said, “Where did you get those?”
“I looked in the box the grill came in, and guess what? There they were! Now, get busy and put it together!”
Here’s where my virgin unspoken KIA wisdom and experience kicked in. sometimes, it's better to say nothing. As my readers can see, I could have looked into the box and found those parts. Anyone could have. But she did, it was her brief moment in the spotlight, and I, who had often been there, was prepared to be magnanimous toward her minor triumph. It’s not easy being the wife of a KIA so there’s lots of room for kindness toward them.
“Okay, Honey", I said, "Any steaks in the freezer for tonight?”
“Yes", she said, still smiling that strange KIA smile that told me my work of making her my cheerleader was not done.
“Do you think you can find them?”
It’s not always easy being a KIA, either.
.
Author is prepared to answer and answer all question on any subject except one. Please do not ask me if my wife understands me.
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