| Humor Script posted June 6, 2012 |
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a fun short script - easy read - in the bath!
In a Subjunctive Mood
by visionary1234
This is a monologue/ theatre script remember, not a screenplay ... so one woman on stage is the STORYTELLER and magically plays all the characters, simply with changes of light, costume, props, sound effects etc ... eg the "bath tub" is just a long box, which holds props - the STORYTELLER will mime the faucets, the bubbles etc ... you'll hear sound effects ... Slides occasionally come up on the backdrop, to set the scene. Our STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD loves to chat with the audience ... At the moment she's going through some growing pains ... Who doesn't? I'm the STORYTELLER, so I use my name ... and "beat" simply means "a pause". To make it an easier read, I've put stage directions or acting directions in parenthesis, but as you get used to reading this format, very soon you won't even notice them ... have fun! “In a Subjunctive Mood” (Slides comes up on backdrop - first a rubber duckie, then an old time radio) (Lights up, early evening. We hear water splashing and “Steam Heat” is playing softly on the "radio") (STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD is sitting up in the "bath". She has a snorkel and face mask propped up on her head and is wearing fins, which stick out of the "tub". She’s primping in the mirror (to audience), trying unsuccessfully for a cleavage. Maybe she’s blowing bubbles) (She sings as she washes herself with soap and wash cloth - of course it comes with the old time radio, which she turns up ... ): STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD I got (click click) ssssteam heat I got (click click) ssssteam heat I got (click click) ssssteam heat But I need your love To keep away the cold I got (click click) ssssteam heat I got (click click) ssssteam heat I got (click click) – DISEMBODIED VOICE OF MOTHER/ (voice over) Sharyn! (STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD blocks her ears) DISEMBODIED VOICE OF MOTHER/ (voice over) Almost dinner time young lady! Time to hop out of that bath before you shrivel up into a prune! (STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD un-blocks her ears, notices audience, ignoring her mother completely) STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD (Confidentially chatty) Hi, I’m Sharyn, and I’m 11. I lie on my back and survey my new body, which seems to be exploding at the seams! Half submerged in our long pale yellow bath tub, I can just make out the beginnings of – (She looks “down there) a … brown curly … bush … down there … and I’m a bit put out. Who says THAT’S part of growing up? Growing up sucks. What else aren’t they telling me? (A slide of Shirley Temple Black, the glamorous adult Shirley, comes up on the backdrop ... she's in full evening dress) (She crosses her arms under her tiny breasts, trying to form a cleavage) Not much there – like two flat fried eggs! I need more to be a movie star, like Shirley Temple Black. We watch “The Shirley Temple Show” on Sunday nights on TV. She’s soooo beautiful in her long pouffy gauzy sparkly evening dress! My mother says her dress is really a color but we can’t see it because our TV is only black and white, but one day there’ll be TV with lots of colors, not just boring old black and white, and they already have them in America! (Beat) Things take longer to get to Australia ‘cos we’re a long way from anywhere. Ooooh I can hardly wait! Then we can really see her dress when she sings her special song. (She stands up in tub, now in her “ballgown”, as she gives a misty eyed rendition of Shirley, complete with fullsome hand gestures – but still wearing mask & snorkel) Dreams are made for children And for children These dreams Come true … (She puts mask on, places snorkel in her mouth, plops down in the tub again, head down in the water, and breathes noisily thru snorkel) (Map of Queensland, Australia comes up on backdrop) (She re-emerges, tries to talk through her snorkel, realizes the audience can’t hear her, so takes snorkel out and props up her mask on her forehead again) STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD (Explaining to audience, her confidants ...) Snorkel, mask & flippers! Birthday present from Freddie, my special dad. He wants me to be able to see tropical fish when we go to the Great Barrier Reef one day. He’s got dreams too. (She puts mask & snorkel on again, submerges noisily, splashing. She re-emerges quickly) I can’t see much – certainly no fish, ‘cause my shampoo makes the water all cloudy, but I sure enjoy going down like a submarine and being able to breathe underwater, just like Jungle Jim when he’s hiding from the lion, deep in the muddy lagoon, breathing through a bamboo straw! (“Jungle Jim”/ Johnny Weismuller appears on backdrop) (STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD covers her ears and closes her eyes, as if she’s under water, laughing) I can hear my breath and heartbeat in my ears! Floating free in milky darkness. In, and out. In, and out. Ka boom, ka boom, ka boom. Just. Me. Just ME!! (We hear splashing) (She takes off snorkel & mask, catching her hair, and puts on a tiara) Youch! My braids! I’m growing my hair long. All princesses and movie stars have long hair. Maybe I’ll be a princess instead of a movie star. Prince Charles might come to Australia and see me and fall in love and ask me to come and live with him in Buckingham Palace. I don’t mind his big ears. I have big ears too. I’ve been practicing wearing my tiara, just in case. Norma, Norma Jean, my loud grandma, gave it to me for my birthday. She gives GOOD birthday presents. Not just useful ones. (She stands up in bath tub, wraps herself in a towel) DISEMBODIED VOICE of MOTHER/ VOICE OVER Sharyn! Dinner! Are you out yet? (Defiantly, STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD throws towel on floor, and plops back down into the tub, still wearing her tiara) STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD (Conspiring with audience) Shhhhh! (Calling back to mom) Okay! Coming! (She lies back in "tub", so we see fins sticking up over edge of tub) My new body is tall enough so I can turn on the hot water with my toes now, just like the movie stars in their bubble baths. (She turns on the water with her toes, fins & all) Ouch! That’shot! I am very annoyed at bubble baths though! When my mother buys me my very own bottle of bubble bath I’m sooo excited! But the bubbles only work if the water keeps running! You can’t do that! There’ll be no more hot water and my mother will yell at me. How come the movie star ladies can just lie in their bubble baths all day long with all their private parts totally covered in bubbles? MY bubbles always disappear! (She looks down at her body) Just white-ish soapy water … skinned knees from where I fell off my bike, a small double mole just south of my belly button … and there’s that ... bush with (Pointing to her “breasts”) two flat fried eggs again. (Beat) I’m used to my mother controlling my life, but it seems like I don’t even have control over my own body! Do I ever get a say in anything? (Beat) I wish I were a movie star! (To audience) Did you hear what I said? I wish I WERE a movie star. (Parroting something she’s heard a thousand times) Verbs of wishing and supposition take the subjunctive mood. My Mother says so! She reads the Encyclopedia Britannica! I wish I … (She closes her eyes, smiles in revolt) I wish I WAS! (Beat. Then, getting louder and louder, almost screaming) I wish I WAS I wish I WAS I wish I WAS I wish I WAS UNDER MY OWN CONTROL! Not my mother’s, not my teacher’s, not God’s, just MINE! I’m eleven already! Twelve! Thirteen! DISEMBODIED VOICE of MOTHER/ VOICE OVER (Threatening) SHARYN! You’re in hot water young lady! STORYTELLER/11 YEAR OLD Oh bother! I’m always in hot water! Incredibly hot! (Beat) (Suddenly quiet, thoughtful, sad) But … but … when do I get to be meeeeeeeeeeeee?? (Blackout)
This is part of a show all about "growing pains" - and who said they ever stop? So you're going to see this STORYTELLER at all ages ... in all stages ...
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. 
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