Humor Fiction posted March 26, 2012

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Redefining Despicable

by another jim

Dear John/Dear Jane Contest Winner 
Dearest Greta,

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I've finally done what you've begged me to do umpteen times since we've been married: I've grown some balls! The bad news (for one of us, at least) is that my newfound cojones have given me the courage to finally tell you the truth. And the truth, sweet Greta, is that it was me, not your father, who nudged your mother off of that second-floor balcony last August. Guess you should've believed him when he said, "I was framed!" (LOL!)

Yeah, the truth doesn't get much worse than that, does it? Even the fact that I've found someone new seems pretty lame in comparison, I'll bet. I know, I know, we took a vow on our wedding day to remain true to each other—and I upheld that promise for nearly the entire duration of our Caribbean honeymoon. Admittedly, it was the most difficult ten days of my life. I'd become so used to cheating on you throughout our courtship that remaining faithful to one woman for more than a day or two damn near killed me. It wasn't until the return flight from Aruba, when I boinked the flight attendant in the lavatory at 48,000 feet—fine, the flight attendant and the copilot—that I realized our marriage might be in trouble.

So here we are, seventeen years and three children later, standing amidst the ruins of a good love gone bad. (Wow. If that ain't a line from some country song, it oughta be.) And hey, I'll accept the lion's share of the blame for this mess, if you'll accept the lioness's share. Marriage is an equal partnership, after all, based on shared values, a commonality of interests, and mutual trust.

Which reminds me: I've emptied out our bank account at Mutual Trust, so you'll need to find a decent paying job post haste. Oh, and tell our oldest son that when he turns sixteen in a couple of months he should probably do the same. (I hear McDonald's is hiring. Remember how much he loved those Happy Meals when he was a little boy? Good times.)

Lest you think I'm a heartless bastard who cares only about himself, allow me to close with this simple sentiment: With bazooms like yours, you should be able to find someone else real quick.

My lawyer says a quickie divorce is the only way to go, so I've asked him to prepare the papers. No reason to draw things out, Greta...remember, we have to think of the children.

For the good times,

Your loving-but-soon-to-be-ex husband

P.S. Your sister is pregnant and I'm the father. For the sake of the baby, we're getting married on the third Saturday in May. Can you watch the kids that day?

Writing Prompt
Today we write the ever dreaded Dear John or Dear Jane letter to our husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. Do not write to hurt: vengeful writing is not good. Write in 500 words or less.

One more thing, you must include in the letter the reason for the letter which is you are "mattress dancing" (infidelity) with your husband's/wife's/boyfriend's/girlfriend's/significant other's brother/sister. OUCH! Hurts doesn't it. Have fun with it, be creative and be nice.

Dear John/Dear Jane
Contest Winner


C'mon...who doesn't love a happy ending?

Word count: 475, give or take.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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