Last September, a bunch of scientists announced to a bunch of ‘world renown’ scientists that they had shined this really, really big light 454 miles from Geneva to San Grasso, and the light beam got there in 0.002437165 of a second. Fast, right?

Not so fast. Ya see, there were these teeny little invisible particles called neutrinos that hitched a ride and, lo and behold; the neutrinos arrived 0.000000060 of a second faster than the light. When I read this, I immediately reached for a Xanax. It must have been a fluke, a miscalculation, a once in eternity anomaly. However, they repeated it about 15,000 times over a period of three years.

Relatively speaking, it was a remarkable result because according to E=MC², nothing is faster than the speed of light, except for Limited Quantities' sale items on Black Friday. 

If neutrinos traveled faster than light, all of our science could be wrong.

Joke: A neutrino sits in a bar and pulls out a cigarette. The bartender says, “Need a light.” The neutrino says, “I’m way ahead of you.”

The scientific community—gangs of beaker-envy geezers in lab coats—were in a tither (scientifically speaking, a tither is hybrid of dither and tizzy). This news could have blown the grants right off their tombs.  

Well, calm down, all you Dr. Franks. Last week, it was determined the cause was ‘a loose cable’. I’m not kidding. Millions of dollars and four-hundred scientists representing 8,800 hours of education and training were involved in the initial experiments and, after 15,000 tests which revealed earth-shattering results, we have learned none of them thought to check to see if the light was plugged-in right. 

I hate to digress, but it makes me wonder. Maybe everyone is as careless as me. We all assume those in control are better organized, more cautious, even smarter than us common folk. What if that’s not true? 

White House Living Quarters: 

First Lady: “Honey, do I look fat in this dress?”

President: “Ah, no, you look wonderful. Babe, have you seen my brown leather briefcase?”

First Lady: “Ya mean the one with all those nuclear codes and stuff?”

President: “Yeah. I’ve looked everywhere and can’t find it?” 

First Lady: “Did you look where you last saw it?” 

President: “The Secretary of Defense said it was urgent.” 

First Lady: “Oh, pooh. He always says it’s urgent. Don’t worry, it’ll turn up. Are you sure this dress doesn’t make my butt look big?” 

President: “Babe, ya got a butt Jennifer Lopez would envy.” 

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I find some comfort in the idea that no one is perfect, that even scientists make mistakes. But that’s all the more reason to be more careful, to look out for yourself. From now on, I’m double-checking everything. I want to see the dip stick in the jet’s gas tank before we take off, I want the anesthesiologist to stick the needle in his own arm before he sticks it in mine, I want to make sure the chicken in my Lo Mien doesn’t bark. I’m not trusting anyone with anything anymore ever, even ever again, never (ever).  

Ya just can’t be too careful.