Daddy's home from work. He puts his yellow lunch bucket on the kitchen table. Then goes down into the basement, where his whiskey is. Daddy doesn't pick me up and throw me in the air. There's no hug or "I love you" - just quiet. I unfasten the shiny steel latches on the lunch bucket and open it. There's nothing in there. There's almost always a candy bar in there for me. This means he's angry. Something bad is going to happen. Mama and Grandma whisper to each other. They keep pointing to the basement.

My stomach starts to hurt. I get afraid, when people get angry. Mama says, "Angela, go to your room."
"I don't want to go to my room. It's early I'm not a baby."
"Go now, she says in her "don't talk back" voice.

I know this is about Peter, my brother. Daddy hates Peter. He loves me but not him. In my room the shadows of trees are on the wall. They look sharp and mean like monsters. It will be dark soon. I try to play with my toys, but it's no fun. I just sit hugging my bear. I worry about Peter and Mama. She protects him. Then Daddy gets mad at her. I listen at the door. Mama calls Peter on the phone. "Stay away," she says. "It's not good here." I want him to come home, so he'll play with me. He's a lot older. But I don't care. Peter tells funny stories. He makes me laugh. I'm sad he won't be here tonight.

Mama calls me to dinner. Grandma is praying the rosary in the corner. She thinks God will help us tonight. But God doesn't come on bad nights. I eat my cold dinner, and go back to my room. "Get ready for bed and no nonsense," Mama says. Her face is all tight. She is unhappy. I go to bed. The dark is scary,but I can't leave my room. It's not safe outside.

Then the screaming starts. "I'm gonna kill him, that no good bastard!" Daddy yells.
"Joe, he's your son. Why are you so angry with him for nothing?"
"Nothing, he went behind my back to borrow money from my brother! He shamed me," Daddy shouts.
"You won't give him money. He knows you hate him! Peter needs the money for school. He wants to make something of himself," Mama cries.
"He's not my son. You're a liar. I you had him with your old boyfriend, and then pawned him off on me. If he wants money, he can earn it." Daddy's words sound fuzzy. I know he's really drunk now like all the other times.
"How can you say that? He's yours and mine, and you won't raise a hand to help him. You take all the money he makes at the factory in rent. He can't save a dime to change his life. I wish God would strike you dead!" Mama screams. A door slams shut. Daddy is still talking to himself. I can hear him through the door.
"I'm gonna wait up, and I'll kill him for sure." A kitchen drawer opens. Then it's slammed shut.

Now the house is very quiet. The quiet is even scarier than the screaming. My stomach is all tight, and I lay there for a long, long time. I get up, and listen at the door again. There isn't a sound, except the clock ticking in the hallway. Suddenly, I hear Mama's bedroom door open. I go into the kitchen on my tip toes. Daddy is asleep at the kitchen table. He has a big, sharp knife in his hands. Mama goes up to him, and takes the knife out of his hand real slow. She is crying really hard but not making any noise. She puts the knife back in the drawer, then she sees me standing there.

Mama pulls me back into my bedroom really hard. Her fingers are hurting my arm. I start crying. She gets really angry at me. "I told you to stay in your room," she hisses.
"I'm afraid," I say. Then she laughs, a really mean laugh.
"What do you have to be afraid of? At least your Father loves you, it's Peter he wants to hurt. Go to sleep! I don't want to see your face until tomorrow." My feelings are hurt. Why is she so mad at me? I crawl under the covers with my bear, and cry until I sleep.

The next morning I wake up, and my room is all sunny. All the shadows are gone. It feels like last night didn't happen. I go into the kitchen, and Daddy is all ready for work. "Angela, come give me a big kiss," he says. My good Daddy is back. I sit on his lap and am happy. Mama is at the sink, and I can't see her face. Grandma is pouring coffee. Daddy says he's sorry he forgot my candy bar yesterday, but he won't forget today. Mama turns around. I can tell she is mad at both of us, because we love each other. I want to tell her I love Peter too, but feel all confused. "Angela, go get ready for school," she snaps.

Mama comes into my room. She's not mad anymore just sad. "Angela, I need to tell you something. Your brother won't be coming home again. He told me to tell you good-bye, and that he will send you a present really soon." I don't want a stupid present. I just want them all to love each other, and to stop fighting. But somewhere deep in side of me, I know this is never going to happen. There's always going to be a tug of war. They'll always want me to choose sides - just like on the school playground. I am really angry with all of them. For the first time, I see that grown ups don't know what they're doing. Maybe all I can really hope for is a candy bar in Daddy's yellow lunch bucket.