Satire Non-Fiction posted December 22, 2011

This work has reached the exceptional level
In his son's own words...

The Great Person Born of Heaven

by another jim

I told my recently-deceased father's closest ally in the Korean People's Army how much I liked the new name the Workers' Party had bestowed upon me. Not that I had any real say in the matter.

One would think that the most favored son of The Dear Leader—aka The Invincible and Ever-Triumphant General—would have a little more influence in deciding how The Starving Masses of Uneducable and Impoverished but Always-Worshipful Citizens should address him when he assumes power.

Me? I would have gone for something slightly more contemporary, something with a little pizzazz. The Desirable and All-Powerful Stud Muffin of the Northern Peninsula, perhaps? How about The King of Rock and Roll and Thermonuclear Devices Aimed at the Imperialist Face of Hegemony? Hell, I'd have been happy to recycle one of my father's personal favorites: The Glorious and Everlasting General Who Descended From Heaven Part Deux, anyone?

No such luck. The Great Person Born of Heaven it is, was, and ever shall be.

I learned at a young age that a smart leader listens to his advisers, especially the ones who carry automatic weapons. Or pretends to listen to them. You see, The Highest Incarnation of Revolutionary Comradely Love died just a few days
ago and frankly, I'm not sure who I can trust. So until I can put a name with a friendly face, I'll be toeing the mark and sticking to the party line like a young boy's tongue sticks to a frozen flagpole. (Forgive me; that was my favorite scene from that classic American movie A Christmas Story, one of the many thousands of films contained in The Beloved and Respected Father's personal DVD collection. Not as well-acted as those five Rocky movies or Deep Throat, certainly, but in its own way just as memorable.)

I can now appreciate what that corrupt elitist British monarchy's heir apparent, Prince William, and his very attractive wife have been through. Like me, they've been instructed on how to behave when the public is watching, how to speak with discretion when the occasion calls for it, how not to blink when lying to your bitter enemies or manipulating the international press. I'm not certain if they had to learn how to starve millions of their own citizens to death in order to bring about compliance with authority; but surely they had their favorite courses of instruction, too.

My point? To paraphrase that treacherous puppet of the bourgeoisie, Kermit the Frog: It's not easy being The New Unique Leader and Sun of the Communist Future. Of course I understand these sacrifices will be worth my while—especially if I can acquire one of those Aston Martins that that capitalist swine-in-waiting William used to transport his very desirable spouse when they departed that grand symbol of Western decadence, Buckingham Palace, on their wedding day. If I owned such a vehicle, I would fly like an Imperial Eagle over the primitive dirt paths and rutted gravel roads that crisscross my homeland from the shores of the Yellow Sea to the Hamgyong Mountains.

It seems my father, The Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander, believed certain things to be true. At the very top of his list of sacred beliefs was this: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. LOL. But seriously, he explained to me how the "cult of personality" label had been manufactured by the scurrilous Western media and how it was frequently employed to deride The Great Man, Who Is a Man of Deeds. There are those who allege that our school children were taught at an early age that The Father of the People was a deity; that The Great Man's 60th birthday was celebrated for days on end in the streets of our magnificent cities; that failure to pay homage to The Shining Star of Paektu Mountain would be met with swift and final retribution befitting the ignorant dogs who would dare defy The Superior Person; that the weather itself was controlled by The Peerless Leader's moods.

Lies and more lies! Except the part about being a deity.

Indeed, The Great Sun of Life embraced all of those things and none of those things. Meaningless double-speak? Why, yes, but spoken with the sincerity of one who welcomes the opportunity to step into the infallible shoes of The Bright Sun of the 21st Century. And you can bet your last steaming pot of napa cabbage kimchi that I intend to make the most of that opportunity.

For days, our beloved citizenry has been loudly and enthusiastically wailing in full view of the State's broadcast media, as well they should. To not mourn with such great fervor would be tantamount to treason, given the sweeping and endless generosity they've been privileged to witness as members of The Great Sun of Life's Utopian paradise.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a bottle of '96 Chateau Lafite Rothschild in the refrigerator with my name on it.


I'm God, and that's not how I remember it.

Your father was a cockroach, as was his father. And yes, that's a terrible thing to say about one of my favorite six-legged creatures, but there it is.

That a rogue nation creates such bombastic titles for its self-appointed autocrats speaks volumes about its shortcomings. Kudos for the creativity embodied by those ridiculous monikers, though.

Despots and their hypocrisy? A match made in hell. Satan's words, not mine, but for once I'd have to agree.

Note to self: Smite Sylvester Stallone for impersonating an actor.

And by the way, Karl Marx called. He wants his manifesto back.

You're fooling no one, least of all me. You've built The Bomb. Brainwashing and torture have been elevated to art forms during your father's reign. Your people have been starved to death by the millions. Newborns and children? Seriously?

You make me regret giving mankind the gift of free will.

The Great Person Born of Heaven? I don't think so.

That's Not How I Remember It! contest entry


I heard the late North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il's successor (his son) will be given the title 'The Great Person Born of Heaven' when he assumes power. I imagined God would be pretty irate when he heard THAT news! LOL!

Nearly all of the high-falutin' titles that appear in this piece were actually used by the government of North Korea in reference to their beloved leader--which would be funny if it weren't so scary...

Kim did possess an extensive collection of American films; presumably his son will inherit them.

The excesses of the Kim regime, of course, are legend, and probably much worse than anything I could capture in a thousand-word satire.

Under 1,000 words, but not by much. Great promptest, Krugerrand. Thanks for organizing!
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