Humor Non-Fiction posted November 23, 2011


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Thanksgiving rocks! I think...

Seven Things To Be Thankful For

by another jim

It's Thanksgiving, the one day of the year when we pause and give thanks for all the wonderfulness in our lives. Oh, sure, we curse our luck, bitch up a storm, and covet our neighbors' spouses on those other 364 days (365 during a leap year). But still, there's something magical about a holiday that allows us to celebrate the Seven Deadly Sins with such gusto.

You heard me right: Thanksgiving Day is for sinners! Don't believe me? Yeah, neither did the kids in my Sunday School class. But what do they know? They still think Christmas is all about Jesus.

Look, I'm no expert on the subject of sinning. I don't even know why these seven particular sins were given the "deadly" label in the first place. I mean, when's the last time you heard of someone dying from being too lustful? (But what a way to go...boo yeah!) And sloth? How could emulating a cuddly little mammal that moves very slowly, hangs upside down, and sleeps all day be deadly? Now, if it was rabid...but even then, you'd have to actually wake up to bite someone. And hey, here's an interesting fact about sloths: They leave their limb-hanging perch once a week to go to the ground to defecate. So, what we call constipation they call a lifestyle. Go figure...

Seriously? There's only one sin on that list that might be deadly, and that's anger. (Note my use of italics to highlight my underlying skepticism.) Okay, gluttony could be deadly if you ate and/or drank yourself to death, so maybe that's two. Maybe. (There they are again.) Pride? Pride? (Is skepticism on that list? It should be.) How can being too proud kill someone? I just can't see it—unless your car stalls on the railroad tracks and there's a freight train bearing down on you but you don't want to lose face by acting all panicky. Same with envy, which only wounds the envious party. Of course, if that wound is left untreated and it gets horribly infected... What?! You've never heard the expression "green with envy"? Sheesh.

That leaves [counts slowly and methodically on fingers] 
one: greed. Webster's defines greed as "a combination of the words 'great' and 'weed' that when used right can sound super badass, as in, 'Let's go smoke some greed'"... Oh, wait a minute, that's how Urban Dictionary defines it. Sorry, my bad. In any case, I don't think greed belongs on that list. In fact, I think it should be replaced with "lethal injection" or "electric chair" or "noose" since those things are (1) deadly and (2) sinful. Except in Texas, where they're an art form.

But back to the subject at hand: Thanksgiving, the only holiday that encourages each and every one of us to sin, sin, and sin some more. Don't believe me? Then listen up.

Gluttony. 'Nuff said. Next?

Anger. The turkey's done on time—except for the lower third, which remains frozen and won't be done until dessert's been eaten; yeah, the cook's pissed off. Grandpa fell asleep in the recliner and he looks dead. But looks are deceiving, which is why Grandma's so angry. The Packers are beating the daylights out of the Lions. PETA is up in arms.

Lust. The husband/wife keeps bending over to baste the turkey; maybe he/she needs a little hands-on help in that hot, steamy kitchen? C'mon, admit it: There's something vaguely erotic about stuffing that bird. And those Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders never looked better. God bless HDTV!

Pride. Once more, Mom's award-winning apple pie trumps sister-in-law's sorry excuse for a dessert—which, by the way, the dog just "accidentally" scarfed down. (Note for next year: Set this dish directly on the floor so Rex won't have to drag it off that kitchen chair you "accidentally" placed it on.)

Sloth. Let's show, not tell, shall we?

"Honey, can you set the table?"

"Not now, the game's starting."

"Honey, can you carve the turkey?"

"Not now, the game's in overtime."

"Honey, can you clear the table?"

"Not now, I'm sleeping."

(It's the tryptophan in the meat, I tell ya...)

Greed. Grab the thickest, juiciest, best-looking hunks of white meat when the platter is passed to you. Screw Uncle Lou and Aunt Betty; let 'em gnaw the dark meat off those drumsticks. Burping contest breaks out after the bubbly wine is served: Grandma wins in a rout! Last two crescent rolls...maybe there's more in the kitchen...maybe not. Meh. Go for it.

Envy. The neighbors just loaded up their minivan and headed for Denny's. Thanksgiving Day all-you-can-eat special: $5.99 plus tax. Family rates available. Damn. Why didn't I think of that?

Told you so...


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Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends! The rest of you? You don't know what you're missing...I hope. ;-D

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