| Humor Fiction posted June 6, 2011 |
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practicing for the big leagues
George Carlin and Ivory Soap
by IndianaIrish
Through the eyes of a child Contest Winner
“Mom!”
“What is it, Joey?”
“MOM! MOOOOMMM!”
“For cryin’ out loud, Joey, why are you screaming? If you’ve got something to tell me, come in the kitchen. I’m making spaghetti sauce.”
She heard him clomp down the stairs and race down the hall. When his sneaker-less feet hit the kitchen floor running, he plopped down on his butt with his feet extended and his arms raised over his head like he was the tie-breaking run at the bottom of the ninth inning at Fenway. When he slid into the bottom of the refrigerator, he yelled, “Saaaafe!” in his loudest umpire voice. “Shit, yeah! What a smooth slide.”
“Joey! What did you just say? Never mind, don’t repeat it. I heard you. Where did you hear that word?”
“Damn, Mom, all the guys on the baseball team say it.”
“Damn, Mom? You keep that language up, young man, and you won’t live to see third grade.”
“Awwwwww, don’t get your titties in a twist. It’s just baseball lingo.”
“Titties in a … Joseph Paul, you’re about to get your mouth washed out with Ivory soap if you keep this up.”
“But, I’m a ball player, Mom. I’m gonna grow up to be the first baseman for the Red Sox. All the guys said to go home, grow some balls, and practice using the words they taught me. They said I’d be a pussy if I didn’t swear in the big-ass leagues. They said I’d be a fu … “
“Stop! Right this second! You better clamp that potty mouth before your father gets home, Mr. Big Leaguer.”
“But, Mom.”
“The only ‘but’ you better be worrying about is the one you won’t be able to sit on.”
“What? The guys said I’d be an ass if …”
“Okay, George Carlin. That’s it. Get upstairs to your room. I’ll be up there with the bar of soap in a few minutes.”
“Aw, geez, Mom. Okay. But can I ask ya a question? Will Ivory soap help my balls grow?”
“Mom!”
“What is it, Joey?”
“MOM! MOOOOMMM!”
“For cryin’ out loud, Joey, why are you screaming? If you’ve got something to tell me, come in the kitchen. I’m making spaghetti sauce.”
She heard him clomp down the stairs and race down the hall. When his sneaker-less feet hit the kitchen floor running, he plopped down on his butt with his feet extended and his arms raised over his head like he was the tie-breaking run at the bottom of the ninth inning at Fenway. When he slid into the bottom of the refrigerator, he yelled, “Saaaafe!” in his loudest umpire voice. “Shit, yeah! What a smooth slide.”
“Joey! What did you just say? Never mind, don’t repeat it. I heard you. Where did you hear that word?”
“Damn, Mom, all the guys on the baseball team say it.”
“Damn, Mom? You keep that language up, young man, and you won’t live to see third grade.”
“Awwwwww, don’t get your titties in a twist. It’s just baseball lingo.”
“Titties in a … Joseph Paul, you’re about to get your mouth washed out with Ivory soap if you keep this up.”
“But, I’m a ball player, Mom. I’m gonna grow up to be the first baseman for the Red Sox. All the guys said to go home, grow some balls, and practice using the words they taught me. They said I’d be a pussy if I didn’t swear in the big-ass leagues. They said I’d be a fu … “
“Stop! Right this second! You better clamp that potty mouth before your father gets home, Mr. Big Leaguer.”
“But, Mom.”
“The only ‘but’ you better be worrying about is the one you won’t be able to sit on.”
“What? The guys said I’d be an ass if …”
“Okay, George Carlin. That’s it. Get upstairs to your room. I’ll be up there with the bar of soap in a few minutes.”
“Aw, geez, Mom. Okay. But can I ask ya a question? Will Ivory soap help my balls grow?”
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Writing Prompt Write a short story (100-500 words). The story must include a child's perspective of an object or situation. The story may be told from the viewpoint of the child, or an adult. |
Through the eyes of a child Contest Winner |
 Recognized |
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Thank you, DonFofo, for the great photograph of the first baseman.
337 words.
Ivory soap was THE most terrible tasting soap ever. So I heard...never got my mouth washed out with it. Yeah, that's my story.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. 337 words.
Ivory soap was THE most terrible tasting soap ever. So I heard...never got my mouth washed out with it. Yeah, that's my story.
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