Satire Non-Fiction posted August 5, 2010

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Majority Rules!

by another jim

I remember our sixth-grade teacher, Mrs. Barnes, asking us whether we wanted to go outside after lunch or stay indoors and play board games.

"Because as we've learned in our unit on American Democracy," she explained, "we're going to put those two choices to a vote. The one getting the most votes will determine how we all spend our time. Because..."

"Majority rules!" we cried out in unison.

Ah, majority rules—a simple concept, brought to life by good ol' Mrs. Barnes' civics lesson.

Majority rules. Really?

Let me assure you, if Mrs. Barnes were alive today—and she may be, if she dodged the Grim Reaper and lived for 110 years—I'm sure she'd look around this great country of ours and ask, "What the hell happened?"

I'm in the majority, and I rule nothing. I'm a white Christian male, but my status has eroded so much over the past few decades, I'm beginning to think that maybe Mrs. Barnes had it all wrong.

Take race, for example. If I have to sit back and watch one more minority group carve up my calendar by declaring Black History Month, or Hispanic Heritage Week, or Native American Pride Day, I'll scream. Or maybe I'll just stand up and declare this the Century of the Caucasian and be done with it. How would they like celebrating all of my holidays year in and year out?

Why do these groups believe they need a special month, week, or day anyway? I already know who they are; I learned all about them in Mrs. Barnes' class.

To wit: George Washington Carver invented the peanut, indentured servitude was a huge improvement over slavery, Spain came here solely to steal gold from the Aztecs, and we should always remember the Alamo. I also recall learning how the Indians (the ones occupying our country when the Mayflower landed, not the ones from India) provoked our soldiers, scalped our women and children, and needlessly slaughtered all the buffalo. What else is there to know?

I've heard the flimsy rationale: the more we know about each other, the more we can appreciate the role that diversity has played in our nation's history.

Say what? Diversity had nothing to do with it! Need I remind you that the Pilgrims—every last one of them—were white? Ditto the brave men and women who warded off those godless savages and settled in the colonies. The soldiers who fought for our independence? Fine, there may have been a tiny handful of slaves who refused Britain's offer of freedom if they'd switch sides. But the Founding Fathers? The guys who actually wrote and signed our Declaration of Independence? All white Christian males.

And allow me to segue into the next area casting doubt on Mrs. Barnes' assurance that the majority rules: religion. This is a Christian nation, founded by Christians for Christians, and nobody will ever convince me otherwise. Take a look at the Constitution of the United States of America, for example.

**crickets chirping**

Hmmm, bad example...

Okay, so let's look at our Declaration of Independence instead. God is mentioned in there four times. Four! And while it's true that nowhere in that document is His name invoked in anything but the most general of terms, and certainly not in connection with any specific religion, as there's no mention of Jesus Christ, or the Bible, or crosses, or churches...

Whatever. The only God those colonists knew was the same one I worship every Sunday. So how did we get to the point where every other god in the world was welcomed into our country? I'm thinking it started with those damned immigrants. You know, the Chinese Buddhists, the Indian Hindus (from India, not from the reservations), the Moslems, the Black Muslims, the Euro- Catholics...

Actually, that last group bills itself as Christian, too, but they spoke Latin in their churches instead of American, like the rest of us. And they have a Pope who's almost always Italian, not American, like the rest of us. Can you say "un-American"? I sure can. And oh, by the way, the real Christians in this country outnumber these Catholic "Christians" two-to-one. If we put it to a vote, like Mrs. Barnes did, we could end their tax-exempt status tomorrow. Who's with me?

But, no. Sadly, the majority does not rule in this country. Because if it did, we'd have Christmas crèches in City Hall, Easter crosses in the town square, and non-Kosher meats, including pork, in our delis. Jews would accept responsibility for killing our Savior and then distracting us by inventing the Easter Bunny. Muslims would be banned from our armed forces, the burqua would be outlawed, and mosques would be placed under surveillance 24/7. Buddhists would stop underwriting TV shows like My Name Is Earl, where karma was always a central—and I might add subversive—theme. And as for those two halves of the same coin, witchcraft and devil worship... fahgeddaboudit!

Our godless atheists? If they won't convert to Christianity, we could vote to send them back to where they came from, which must be...Communist China. Even though they don't look Chinese, that must be where they came from. Or maybe Cuba; they don't believe in God, either. Perhaps we could just be open-minded Americans, and let them pick where they'll be sent back to.

So, Mrs. Barnes, whaddya think? Does the majority really rule? Can't we just count the votes in a referendum, and whoever or whatever gets the most votes wins? No, I'm afraid we can't. It just doesn't work that way in today's America, though we'd all be a lot better off if it did...or the majority of us would be, anyway.

Why the Founding Fathers didn't figure all this out when they drafted our Constitution is beyond me. And we call ourselves a democracy...

Satirical Essay contest entry


Satirical essay contest, where I'm required to humorously express the opposite of my true feelings without stating that's what I'm doing.

Thank you for organizing this contest, Colin Douglas--it provided a great workout for the intellect!

Approximate word count: 975. Thanks very much for reading!
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