Satire Poetry posted July 14, 2010

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Murder and Mayhem in Smurf Village

by another jim

Smurfs Abound! Contest Winner 

The author has placed a warning on this post for violence.
I'm breaking the rules, and it feels just like heaven!
There. Now I'm governed by Rule Number Seven.
It's not that those other rules give me the jitters,
But now I can have my own way with these critters.

I've hated these blue things since I was a child.
Their "Smurf this!" and "Smurf that!" would drive me hog wild!
And now I've been asked for a tribute in verse?
Well, my mood's descended from bad to much worse...

But, yeah! I'll still do it, on my terms alone,
With contest rules no longer etched into stone.
And if I'm gonna add my poetic two cents,
Then horrible things are about to commence!

Let's start with the wizard, that Gargamel guy.
I want him to suffer, then crawl off to die!
But first I'll demand that he conjure a spell
To make me all teensy and weensy as hell.

I'll find that Smurfette and I'll wine her and dine her.
(Don't worry! I checked, and she isn't a minor.)
Then after I've done her, I'll leave her forever,
Return to my full size, and squish her. How clever!

I really love cats. Why, they taste just like chicken!
Some barbecued Azrael makes my heart quicken.
I'll eat him in front of the others, you see?
With fava beans, brains, and a nice Chianti...

Then unfinished Gargamel business will beckon,
Which probably means his demise, I would reckon.
I'm thinking a matchstick might fit up his nose,
Right after I chew off his fingers and toes!

Now where is old Papa, that tight-fisted geezer,
Who fancies himself the Smurfs' answer to Caesar?
A stake through the heart? Well, a toothpick will do it.
I'll skewer the bugger! Can't wait to get to it.

And then I'll move on to the rest of those schmucks!
They'll be at my mercy, like blue sitting ducks.
There's Hefty and Brainy and Grouchy and Jokey
And Dreamy and Clumsy and Handy and Pokey.

Oh, wait... I'm mistaken: Ol' Pokey's a pony.
His owner is Gumby—that Claymation phony!
But back to the Smurfs... Aye, I'll smash 'em and beat 'em!
I'll fry 'em in oil, then salt 'em and eat 'em!

And once I can truthfully verify whether
The world has been ridden of Smurfs altogether?
I'll add this last chapter, composed on the double:
"The world is a little less blue for my trouble!"

So now that those Smurfs have been battered and scorned
And tortured and murdered—don't say you weren't warned!—
I hope you won't find my reaction too drastic...
'Cause man, what I did felt superbly smurftastic!

Smurfs Abound!
Contest Winner


I have no idea where this one came from! LOL! Gotta wean my muse off those hallucinogens, I guess...

This contest's Rule Number Seven: "...the primary rule is to have fun...all other rules are null and void when the justification for breaking them was because if felt fun to as you wrote." Trust me: it felt fun.

Just a funny, original prompt, Xylok. The contest rules alone were worth the price of admission! Thanks for organizing.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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