Satire Non-Fiction posted June 9, 2010

This work has reached the exceptional level
A very serious tongue-in-cheek treatise...

The Tea Is In The Harbor

by another jim

I love my money with all my heart.

There, I said it. And now that my secret's out, allow me to also share with you how much I hate having anyone help themselves to it. That includes my two sneaky kids who, when they were much younger, used to steal all the loose change I'd tossed into a jar on the top shelf of my closet. The little shits would sneak into my bedroom while I was mowing the lawn, stand on their mother's vanity bench, and just clean me out. I solved that problem by making them mow the lawn. And just to be doubly sure that my money was safe, I loosened all the screws on the vanity bench. Pissed off my wife the first time she sat on it, but at least I kept those domestic burglars at bay.

If only things were that simple now! Believe me, if I could make Uncle Sam mow my lawn, thus keeping him the hell away from my hard-earned paycheck, I'd do it. The ditto-heads are right: we've been transformed into a socialist welfare state. I fume every time I look at my pay stub and realize that the Federal, state, and municipal governments have stood en masse on that wobbly vanity bench and snatched all my spare change without asking.

It got me thinking, actually. Not about new and better ways to trap these bureaucratic bandits, but about some changes we could make in the way we live that would send a clear message to them all: Hands off mine, you thieving bastards!

Let's start with the police and fire departments. The public has gotten a little too comfortable relying on the state to provide these services. I'm sick to death of paying someone else to do what we can do for ourselves. Ever hear of the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America? You know, the one that allows us to bear arms? Arms, as in tasers, pistols, rifles, shotguns, semi-automatic weapons...hell, an argument could be made that it includes small-scale nuclear weapons, if that's what's needed to keep the barbarians from rioting in the streets.

My point is this: Why make us pay for these so-called agents of the court to keep the criminals away, when all we need are a few free shooting lessons at the local gun club? Honestly, what a waste of money! Yeah, yeah, I know the police do more than just shoot bad guys; but do we really want a bunch of cops wasting gas, patrolling the highways and trying to catch us speeding, when all we need is to drive slower? I, for one, would gladly take it down a notch if I knew my net pay would increase. You would too, I'll bet.

As for our publicly-funded fire departments, get real! Here's a quick lesson in pyrotechnology: Water puts out fire. Period. We all have garden hoses—and the last time I looked, plenty of water, too. Why can't we just look out for one another, and when a fire breaks out, unfurl those hoses and help a neighbor in need? Got a high-rise building in your town? Then ask the owner to install a sprinkler system. Notice I said ask, not tell; no reason to mandate that sort of thing with still more high-priced government regulations. Losing everything you own is the best teacher, in my opinion. Next time Mr. Cheapskate builds a building, he'll think twice about skimping on fire protection! Sounds like a no-brainer to me.

Education. A very important investment in our future, to be sure; but why should I have to pay for someone else's kid to get smarter? I think it boils down to two options: home schooling or pay-as-you-go. If more two-income families would sacrifice for the Nation's good by having one parent stay out of the workforce and home school their offspring, we could tell all those teachers' unions to go straight to hell.

Too radical an idea? Okay then, how about paying a tutor out of your own pocket to teach your children? Think of the money we'd save: no more teachers, no more books, no more school buildings with their overpriced state-of-the-art technology. If I hear one more socialist prattle on about how their little brats need to learn about computers, or about music, or play on a sports team, or check out a library book, I'll scream into a pillow! And then I'll use that same pillow to suffocate all those left-leaning vampires that want to suck my paycheck dry.

Buy your own damned computer, and tell your kids to read the owner's manual. Buy them a radio, or some tickets to a John Tesh concert. Take in a ball game, and play a little catch afterward. And for God's sake, stop expecting my hard-earned money to fund these freakin' libraries! Ever hear of Barnes and Noble? You have? Good. Then try taking your kid to one and buy your own damned books.

Social Security? Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Why the hell should I pay to have some old fart sit on his wrinkled behind, when he could be doing something useful like working at McDonald's for minimum wage? Seriously, how young do you have to be to flip a burger or dunk frozen french fries into boiling oil? And arthritis doesn't affect your ability to smile and say, "Welcome to WalMart!" And whatever happened to serving your community as a crossing guard? Of course, if all those kids are being home schooled, we won't need crossing guards... But still. I just can't understand why my money has to subsidize some old cat's extravagant lifestyle. Food, medicine, a warm coat in winter... I buy my own. So why can't their adult children foot the bill instead? Maybe they can use all that change they stole from them when they were kids.

But enough about those decades-old drains on my income. Let's talk about the latest legalized highway robbery known as universal health care. Come on, do we really need to look out for every man, woman, and child in America, just because they can't afford to look out for themselves? Ever hear of survival of the fittest? If someone's so bad off that they can't work and earn their own money, I say let them die. What could be more natural than allowing bacteria, viruses, cancer, and heart failure to work their magic? It's not like we made these dirty beggars sick, right? And it's also not our fault that they got sick in the first place. They know damn well they can't afford to go to a doctor, so they should take better care of themselves. How can you argue with that logic? That's right, you can't.

Gosh, I really covered a lot more ground here than I thought! And I never even touched on things like the military—which, with a little help from Dick Cheney and Halliburton, Inc., could easily be privatized. With a few more corporate tax breaks for his companies, in fact, I'm sure he could field an army of mercenaries to keep the world safe for democracy by the end of this year—all without any additional tax grabs out of my paycheck. And when Johnnie comes marching home, he'll be paying his own way... Tell me that wouldn't make you sleep better at night!

And oh, by the way, I was also going to ramble on a bit about my money being pissed away on things like over-regulating the oil industry and large-scale environmental remediation—neither of which are even remotely necessary in the modern world we live in. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of any recent examples to illustrate my point... But I think British Petroleum's cool new flower logo kind of supports my point of view.

Don't you agree?

Now where's my toolbox? I gotta go loosen the screws on that vanity bench again....


Just feeling a little sorry for myself this morning, while wondering how the simple folk live...
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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