Humor Fiction posted December 8, 2009


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Or is it dwarves?

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

by another jim

Reinvent a fairytale. Contest Winner 


Dearest Diary, 

Daddy finally got me this wonderful diary to write in, and I am PUMPED! Can't wait to start recording my every thought! I am the daughter of a prince, after all--and I don't want to sound all stuck-up and conceited, but I do lead an exciting life! I mean, I'm no Paris Hilton, but still...

Now, if I can just figure out a way to get rid of that B-I-T-C-H that married Daddy after Mama died, my life would be just PERFECT! Well that, and maybe get the Duke of Gloucester to notice me...he is such a hottie!

Will get back to you another time, diary. It's late, and I'm tired. Bye-bye for now!

Snow

*****

Dearest Diary,

Get this: My step-mother talks to mirrors! Well, actually only one mirror, the one on her dressing room wall. And I overheard her tell Daddy that it's "magic". Yeah, right...and dragons breathe fire, too.

She asks the stupid thing questions! Why, just yesterday, she asked, "Who's the fairest of them all?" I didn't stick around to hear its answer. LOL! But right afterwards, she had a tantrum, crying and screaming and throwing stuff around her bed chamber. Like I said: What a B-I-T-C-H! And a crazy one, at that.

Anyways, later on, I see her talking to one of Daddy's servants. They were sitting in the parlor together, whispering, and they shut right up when I walked in. You know what? I'll bet she's sleeping with him! Whaddya think, diary?

Gotta run. Talk to you tomorrow!

Snow

*****

Dear Diary,

Okay, now I'm pissed off. I was supposed to go horseback riding with Daddy today, but my skank of a step-mother had other plans: She took Daddy into the village to be fitted for a new surcoat. So now I'm stuck here in the castle by myself.

Hang on. Somebody's rapping on my chamber door...

OK, I'm back. It was that servant, the one who's probably banging step-mommy dearest. (Ew!) He says HE will take me horseback riding today. Borrrring! But maybe I can get him to admit what he and bitch-face are doing behind Daddy's back. Let me tell you, if he does fess up, it'll be off with BOTH their heads. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

And I'm taking you with me on my ride today, diary, just in case. You never know--I just might find something interesting to write about!

Gotta go change my clothes. Later!

Snow

*****

Dear Diary,

My stupid horse went lame! Percival, the servant who brought me out here in the woods to ride, probably gave me that broken-down nag on purpose, just to piss me off! He said he'd return my horse to the castle, and come back with another one. Meanwhile, here I sit in these eerie woods, all alone, writing in my diary.

No news to report on my suspicions about Percival and my whore of a step-mother.

Think I'll catch a snooze while I'm waiting. I'm so bored. (No offense!)

≈SEVERAL HOURS PASS≈

Hey, diary! Just woke from my nap, and it's nearly nighttime! No sign of that SOB Percival, and I have no idea where I am. But it sure is quiet out here in the forest. Wait a minute...

OK. Now I feel like I'm being watched. Plus, it's getting too dark to write any more. Sure hope Percival gets his fat ass back here soon. I'm starting to get scared. And I gotta pee real bad, too.

Help, diary!

S.

*****

Diary,

That little prick Percival never came back for me! It's morning now, and I slept out here in the woods all night by myself. I was sure Daddy would send someone to look for me, but I was wrong! Now what? I swear, when I get back, I'll have Percival drawn and quartered in the village square, and then post it on YouTube!

Remember how I said I felt like someone was watching me out here in the woods? Well, I feel their eyes again today. And this time, I can hear noises, too! Oh, diary! I am scared shitless.

S.

*****

Dear Diary,

You won't believe what happened to me today--I can hardly believe it myself! Are you sitting down? Of course not, you're a diary! LOL! Anyways...

I'd been lollygagging around the woods all day, feeling sorry for myself, crying like a reject from The Biggest Loser. It was a beautiful afternoon, so I just started walking--and suddenly I found this odd little cottage! Nobody was home, but since Daddy owns everything as far as the eye can see, I said what the hell, and just let myself in!

The table in the tiny kitchen was set for seven. A teapot was on the boil, so I guessed whoever lived there would soon be arriving home for dinner. I looked in the fridge, and found it overflowing with the finest of food! I'd never tried my hand at coq au vin before, diary, which is why I was so happy to find seven frozen mac-and-cheese dinners in the freezer. Hoping to surprise my hosts when they got home, into the microwave they went! (The dinners, not my hosts. LOL!)

I checked out all the other rooms in the house, too. And when I got to the bedroom, with its seven little beds... Well, they just looked so inviting, and I was so tired... I was gone in sixty seconds, diary!

I must have been out for a while, when all of a sudden I'm being shaken by this little man. He wasn't much to look at: scruffy beard, glasses, an ugly red tunic, a Mickey Mouse tattoo on his bicep, and this ridiculous cap... And did I mention that he was little? Like a dwarf? Well, that's cuz he IS a dwarf, diary! Actually, he says he suffers from growth hormone deficiency... Whatever!

He asked me what I was doing in his cottage. When I explained, he told me he lived there with six other dwarfs--or is it dwarves? I'm never sure about that one! LOL! Anyways, he said I was welcome to stay with them--like, forever!

Can you believe it, diary? Yeah, me neither. It sounds a little creepy, in fact.

More to follow.

Snow

≈SEVERAL DAYS PASS≈


Dear Diary,

Well, I'm still holed up in this ramshackle little cottage. But I've been getting to know the seven dudes who live here, and they are awesome! And they think I'm awesome, too! Lets face it, diary, this is all just so...AWESOME!

There are seven of them, they're all dwarfs, and they work in the mines at the edge of the forest. It seems like they're just happy to have someone here to look after them. All except the one who calls himself Grumpy. He's not happy about much of anything.

And they take such good care of me, diary! It's like I'm their queen, and they're my loyal subjects. Of course, part of the deal is that I clean their cottage, make their beds, do their laundry, and cook their meals, all the while singing in my best soprano voice...

Oops! Gotta go! My "boys" are coming back from the mines, and they'll be hungry.

More on my little adventure later!

S.

≈SEVERAL WEEKS PASS≈

Dear Diary,

Well, it's been a while. Sorry I haven't written, but my life's been so hectic!

No sign of being rescued yet, but I'm being well-cared for by these seven interesting little men. The cottage is no palace, diary, but it's been kinda fun roughing it out here in the woods. I'm gonna have Percival's head, though, if I ever get back home. Wonder if he's still doing my slut of a step-mother?

Doc (he's the leader of the dwarfs) tells me every day not to open the cottage door to strangers. I tell him I would never do that...unlike Dopey, who'd open the door to Satan himself if he came knocking! He's called Dopey for a reason, if you get my drift.

And I think the dwarf named Bashful is anything but. In fact, if he doesn't quit staring at my chest, I'm gonna poke his little eyes out...

That's all for today, diary! Gotta go fire up the microwave.

S.

P.S. The dwarf they call Happy? Found a bottle of Xanax under his mattress. That would explain a lot.

≈SEVERAL MONTHS PASS≈

Dear Diary,

Still no sign of being saved! Call me crazy, but now I'm thinking Percival was in cahoots with my battle-ax of a step-mother, and that they wanted to be rid of me for some reason. I tried running that theory past the dwarf named Sleepy, but he nodded off before I could finish.

Haven't pieced it all together yet, diary. But when I do, those two traitorous scumbags are gonna pay!

On a slightly happier note, I spent this morning gathering elderberries in the woods. Doc sent Sneezy with me--a really bad idea, as it turned out. Ugh! Sonofabitch is allergic to pollen, and blew snot all over the lovely berries we picked.

Gonna try my hand at baking a pie or two tomorrow. Sure wish I had some apples...

S.

*****

Hey Diary!

Sitting here staring at a beautiful basket of apples. Didn't I just tell you yesterday that I needed apples? What the hell are the odds?

Got them from an old peasant woman who showed up at my door this morning, right after the boys headed off to the mines singing that annoying "Hi Ho" song for the kajillionth time.

Anyways, she'd heard the dwarfs had taken in a boarder, and wanted to welcome me to the neighborhood. And in case you're wondering, diary: No, I didn't open the damned door! She left the basket of apples out on the stoop.

She told me the biggest, reddest, PRETTIEST apple was for me alone! So before I rinse the phlegm off the elderberries and start baking those pies, I think I may just take a bite of that apple...

Mmmm. Delicious! Why, I think I'll take another b

≈SEVERAL YEARS PASS≈

Dearest Diary,

Hello, old friend! So much has happened since we last spoke! Where to begin...

Yes, that special apple was poisoned! Damn near killed me, in fact. And guess what? The old peasant woman who delivered it to me? My treacherous step-mother in disguise! Told you she was a B-I-T-C-H!

Turns out she wasn't doing the horizontal mambo with Percival after all. She just wanted to be rid of me because I, not she, was the fairest of them all. Sez who, you may ask? Why, her magic mirror! That's right, diary: that stupid thing WAS magical after all. Who knew?

BTW, right after my horrible step-mother delivered those apples and headed for home, she was eaten by a wolf wearing Granny nightclothes! But that's another story for another day. Let's just say she got what she deserved. And Percival was imprisoned for conspiracy to commit mayhem upon a royal person. He's serving his sentence in Daddy's dungeon as we speak.

But enough about them, diary. Let's talk about me!

I fell into a very deep sleep after eating that poisoned apple. The dwarfs were simply heartbroken! They placed me in a beautiful crystal coffin, and kept me on display in the parlor of their cottage. I've no idea why they did something THAT creepy; but looking back on it, I'm so glad they did.

You see, diary, a handsome young man came upon the cottage while passing through the forest. My sad little friends invited him in, and when he saw me sleeping in the parlor, he fell deeply in love with me. He begged the dwarfs to allow him a single kiss, and by a vote of 6-1, they said OK. (Grumpy was the only nay vote. Why am I not surprised?)

You know the rest: His kiss awoke me from my slumber, and after the pre-nups were signed, we lived happily ever after!

I'll have to fill you in on the details later. I hear my new husband approaching our bed chamber--and you know what that means, dear diary. LOL!

Until tomorrow,

Snow White, Duchess of Gloucester



Reinvent a fairytale.
Contest Winner

Recognized


Word count: 2,000 give or take. Thanks so much for reading!

Excellent prompt, Paul Greatrix! Lots of room for silliness.

And thanks for the cottage photo, Dazzleme!
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