Satire Non-Fiction posted September 4, 2009

This work has reached the exceptional level
A satirical look at satyrs.

Political Satyrs I Have Known

by another jim

Political Satyr Contest Winner 
Seems the dedicated FanStory member who created this contest inadvertently typed the word satyr when creating its title. Alas, the system would not allow him to change that word to satire. So "Political Satyr" its title is, and will remain, for as long as we all shall live.

Now, some contestants have mentally tampered with this contest's title, and substituted the correct word when composing their entries. Even my favorite, fun-loving methwolf Bane has extrapolated and postulated and masticated his way through this contest, laying on the satirical, like some literary miracle, while trying to be lyrical, when he'd rather be chewing on some Idaho Gov, and not showing him no caninely love. But I digress...

Me? I think the contest organizer had it exactly right! Satyr? An insignificant Freudian slip. And they occur all the time. Like when Hillary Clinton mispronounced North Korean leader Kim Jong-il's name, calling him "douche bag" in a recent speech. It happens. It's nothing to be ashamed of. And I, for one, intend to honor the spirit, if not the intent of this contest by saying a few words about political satyrs. Did I say "few"? Gotcha!

For those who don't know, a satyr is a mythological woodland deity, part human, part horse, and sometimes part goat, who's possessed of a fondness for drunkenness and "unrestrained revelry"--which, as we all know, are Greek code words for sex. That's right, they liked to screw. Screw, with a capital S. Anything, everything, and everybody. Animals, wood nymphs, and each other. You will never see a depiction of a satyr that doesn't show him proudly displaying his erect penis. You know, like he was Larry Craig in the washroom at the Minneapolis airport or something.

And if you think political satyrs are something new, think again. Time for a little regression therapy!

Let's go back a few decades to those fabulous Roosevelt years. That's right, Roosevelt, as in Franklin Delano, the President who screwed big business, the isolationists, his pretty secretary, Japanese-Americans living on the West Coast, and after he'd had a few drinks, Eleanor. And don't forget: He also screwed Adolf Hitler's Nazi ass to a bunker wall in Berlin. All of this, while confined to a wheelchair. Amazing.

Harry S. Truman? He dropped the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, screwing the nearly quarter of a million people living on the ground in those cities. Of course, he also screwed Japan's Emperor Hirohito in the bargain, thus ending the Second World War. He screwed the American railway workers with his strike-busting, the Palestinians with his recognition of Israel, and the Soviet Union with his Berlin Airlift. Not sure if he and Bess screwed; I wasn't alive then.

I like Ike, I really do. And President Eisenhower did his fair share of screwing while in office, too. He was a self-declared conservative who screwed every other conservative by continuing, and then expanding most of Roosevelt's liberal New Deal programs. He screwed them again by appointing judicial activist Earl Warren as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He was the first to screw that racist bastard Jim Crow by signing into law this country's only civil rights legislation in nearly 100 years; he then scored a twofer when he screwed the white supremacists in Arkansas by using the National Guard to enforce racial integration in a Little Rock high school. Yeah, Ike could screw with the best of them.

An assassin's bullets ended John Fitzgerald Kennedy's reign much too soon. But he screwed Marilyn Monroe, for God's sake! 'Nuff said.

Old Lyndon Johnson was one of those political satyrs who screwed himself by screwing the pooch in Vietnam. But not before he screwed Barry Goldwater in the '64 election with some misleading, but very effective, campaign propaganda; he screwed him in a landslide, in fact. (That must have been uncomfortable!) And he loudly and proudly claimed sloppy seconds and screwed Jim Crow once again with his own pair of sweeping civil rights laws. But it was the screwing he gave the American people when he opted not to run for a second term that I remember best. Why? Because that meant the voters had to choose between Hubert Humphrey, a weak Democratic candidate, and that other guy, the political satyr with perhaps the most erect penis in American history...

Yes, it's not for nothing they called him Tricky Dick. Richard Nixon was a black belt screwer. A screwer on a mission. A screwer among screwers. He claimed his grandmother was a saint, but I'll bet he screwed her, too! Nothing was off limits to Nixon. He screwed the Democrats with his dirty tricks, and he screwed the soldiers fighting in Vietnam by politicizing their war. He screwed his enemies, and he screwed his friends. Rumor has it he screwed Henry Kissinger; but let's be honest, he was asking for it. He screwed the Constitution, and the Declaration of Independence, and the Magna Carta. Sort of a menage a trois of screwing, that. Then the American people screwed Nixon by forcing him to resign from the Presidency. I guess we sort of got unscrewed when that happened, huh?

The only thing I can think of that Gerald Ford screwed was Lady Justice, when he pardoned Tricky Dick.

Jimmy Carter was a Southern Gentleman with an engineering degree from the US Naval Academy. But all that means is that he wore a little sailor's cap on his satyr's horns when he did his screwing. (Quite an image, eh?) He screwed GM and Ford by bailing out Chrysler, then he screwed the US economy into the ground. He screwed our Vietnam vets by granting amnesty to draft dodgers. And he screwed up the Iranian hostage crisis six ways from Sunday, including a botched rescue plan that literally crashed and burned. You can bet some Special Ops guys' careers took a screwing for that fiasco. But for all his shortcomings, he was a good guy, a real family man, with a very hot wife, four lovely children, and a brother named Billy. The only things Billy ever screwed were the caps off the six-pack of Billy Beer that he had for breakfast each morning.

Love him or hate him, Ronald Reagan was a very popular President. But political satyrs are often popular. And slick, because they screw you in ways you never even notice, and then leave office. While you're feeling good about yourself and your country, they're screwing over the middle class by making the rich, richer, and the poor, poorer. Well, there you go again, blaming Reaganomics, the single biggest screwing the average American's bank account has ever taken. He also screwed career bureaucrats, labor unions, the sovereign state of Grenada, Gorbachev's Evil Empire, Muammar al-Gaddafi, and my annual tax refund. Wow. He did a lot of screwing for a guy who slept through most of his Presidency. Kudos, dude!

The elder George Bush, it seems to me, did a lot of his screwing under President Reagan. Not that kind of screwing! Jeez, get your minds out of the gutter, will ya? No, as Reagan's Vice President, he invested in a future screwing of the public by starting the ball rolling on Government deregulation. Are you listening, Bernie Madoff fans? He tried to screw the illicit drug cartels, too; alas, history has shown that that particular screwing never reached a satisfactory conclusion. Where's Viagra when you need it? Now as President, he screwed us with higher taxes, even after we'd read his lips. He helped screw Anita Hill, and the entire women's movement, by appointing Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. And he screwed Saddam Hussein all the way back to the gates of Baghdad. Why he didn't go through those gates and screw him again is anyone's guess.

OMG. Former President Bill Clinton's next. Political satyr? Or just a garden variety satyr? Maybe a lot more of one than the other? Yeah, that works for me. Conventional wisdom is that Bill screwed anything that wasn't wearing pants. (Sorry, Hil.) And then screwed himself by getting caught. He did not. Have sex. With that woman. But did he screw her? Depends on your definition of screw, I guess. I'd like to think so. Makes me proud to be a fellow member of the "me first" generation!

Our next political satyr, George W. Bush, didn't do a lot of screwing, but only because he couldn't figure out how to get his zipper down.

And along comes our newest President, Barack Obama. Is he a political satyr, too? Will he have his way with us all, or will he be the first President to make political celibacy the centerpiece of his administration? I hope it's the latter, because frankly, at my age, I'm just tired of getting screwed.

Political Satyr
Contest Winner


This is satire, based loosely on the facts as I see them. (LOL) Sorry for its length--1,450 words, give or take--but my satyrical muse just couldn't keep his hands off me. Horny bugger.

Thank you, knowledge, for organizing this fun and challenging contest!

And thanks, Aether, for the pleasant photo of the White House!
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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