Satire Non-Fiction posted August 21, 2009


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Dear Dick Cheney

by another jim

A love letter to a politician Contest Winner 
Dear Dick Cheney,

This is a love letter. Not that kind of love letter. Real men don't write that kind of love letter to other men. No, my love letter is an homage to my favorite politician. That would be you, Dick!

See, I think the American people don't appreciate all that you've done for our country. You've been maligned by the leftists in the media, spat upon by those socialists in the White House, and trashed by the family of that quail hunter you shot in the face back in '06. Yeah, that last one was a real circle-jerk, huh? Blown way out of proportion, in my opinion. Seriously, it was birdshot pellets you hit him with, not a bazooka, for God's sake!

Many folks don't even realize that your career in politics started long before you ran the White House as Bush's Vice President. (The man was a putz! He should be thrilled that you stepped up and took charge, Constitutional issues notwithstanding.) I remember when you sat for Wyoming in the House of Representatives during those wonderful Reagan years. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you win your first Wyoming Congressional election by a huge margin? I think the final tally was like Cheney 36, Opponent about half that. And then you rode your hard-earned incumbency for the next decade, like a cowboy super-glued to the seat of a buckin' bronco. (That's "buckin", with a "B".) Term limits? We don't need no stinking term limits!

You even became the House Minority Whip for a short time back in '89. I like a man who's not afraid to show his kinky side, know what I'm sayin', Dick? And it wasn't just minorities you whipped, either. No sir. You whipped the old white guys in your party, the young white guys, the rich white guys, and the poor white guys. Admittedly, not too many in that last group to whip, but I digress.

In 2000, I was overjoyed when George W. Bush and the energy lobbyists drafted you as their Vice Presidential candidate! The Republicans needed a man of your enormous stature on the ticket. Quick! Name the Republican Vice Presidential candidate in the 1884 elections. Exactamundo. Nobody knew him, and that simpering Democrat Grover Cleveland handed Republican James Blaine his ass in that year's election. So I'd like to believe it was you, Dick, and not the US Supreme Court, that got Bush elected in '00. Gore and Lieberman? Please. They were sitting ducks. Or maybe quail.

Flash forward to 2004. You ran on the Republican ticket with your boss (no, not the Board of Directors of Halliburton, the other boss) against those two Johns, Kerry and Edwards; one, a lying, apologist war hero, and the other a philandering poster boy for Paul Mitchell hair care products. Right. Like they'd know how to repair the damage done by the Bush Administration during its first term. Sheesh. Well, history repeated itself--as it often does, when voters don't learn from it--and you and that other guy got to run the country for four more years. Some cynics say your regime ran it into the ground, but I never listen to cynics. They look and sound too much like Woody Allen, and he was banging his step-daughter. What the hell does he know?

Speaking of daughters, how's your gay one doing? You know, if they'd legalized gay marriage sooner, we would have had one of those legendary weddings in the White House before you left office. What did Bush give us? Another beer blast at the Crawford ranch, this one featuring his oldest twin daughter, Jenna. And she stayed sober this time. Borrrring... No, I gotta believe that a wedding between two lesbians in the Rose Garden would trump anything the Bush family could throw at us. Except, maybe, Dubya doing Jell-O shots on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on his birthday. His, not Lincoln's. Give the man some credit; he would never defile the Father of Our Country's tomb. By the way, have you been able to convince your lovely wife that homosexuality is something you're born with? Didn't think so. Maybe you're not telling her with enough sincerity in your voice. Do what I do, Dick: practice saying it in front of a mirror. Gayness is in your genes...gayness is in your genes...say it soft, and it's almost like praying...

Well, I think I've taken up enough of your valuable time. I gotta get back to work, and you gotta get back to counting those obscene profits that Halliburton's been raking in by waging illegal wars all over the world. So, oil be seeing you, Dick. Get it? Oil be... Never mind. It wasn't that funny. Not nearly as funny as when you unloaded your shotgun in that old guy's face! As my favorite celebrity chef Emeril might say: BAM! (LOL)

I'll close by telling you how much I really loved another old boss of yours. His name was Dick, too. Dick Nixon. He never got the proper credit for all he did to and for America, either. And when that Special Prosecutor proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Dick Nixon was guilty as sin... Let's just say that piling on has never seemed fair to me. Impeachment should be reserved for hardened criminals, like Presidents who seduce pretty interns and then lie to their wives about it.

Nixon was a six-footer, did you know that? He slouched a lot when he slunk around the White House, and people could never tell. You? I know you're about the same size as me, around five-ten or so. But for my money, I still think you're a bigger Dick!

I love you, man! (But not in that way.)

Jim

Writing Prompt
Write a love letter to your favorite politician, in the US or abroad. 1000 words of less.

A love letter to a politician
Contest Winner

Recognized


Word count: Under 1K, but not by much. Let that be a lesson to you. Next time, make this a haiku contest.

Thanks for rhe lovely image, channeled. I heart you, too!
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