Exceptional A letter to the IRS Death By Taxes by Janilou      Contest Winner

Category:  Humor Fiction   Posted:  March 31, 2009      Views: 506

ABOUT JANILOU  Janilou is a woman who loves God. Much of her work reflects her faith. Christian music often inspires her work. She is honored to have been named FanStory's Short Works Author Of The Year, in 2007 and 2008, and thanks all of her wonderful fans for the ranking. Their comments and support are her inspiration! She writes whenever her dairy goats allow her to escape the milking barn. If she's not on FanStory, you might find her on Facebook, using her real name, Jan Anderegg. Quote Of The Day: "Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary." Sir James M Barrie She has won several contests. The contest submission Death By Taxes was the first place winner in the contest . Boys Will Be Boys was the first place winner in the contest . Twas The Night Before - Say What? was the first place winner in the contest . She is a top ranked author and is currently holding the #41 position. The Seal of Quality committee has rewarded her with 2 seals. Portfolio | Become A Fan Dear Mr. Sooker, First of all, I have to say, I understand why you ended up getting a job with the Internal Revenue Service. You never had a chance, did you? Your parents should have known better than to name you, Ichabod Ruby Sooker.  You're probably wondering how I found out your full name. It's easy when you have connections. A quick whisper in my boss's ear, and all the information I needed was right in front of me. It's only fair, don't you think? After all, you know everything about me and what I've done with my life over the past sixty years. I wouldn't be surprised if you knew what I ate for breakfast last Thursday. What kind of parents name their kid Ichabod anyway? Just because you were born on April Fool's Day, didn't mean they had to scar you for life by landing you with such a handle. Yes, Ichi, I know the day you were born. I know more about you now than you know about yourself.  Scared? You should be, you son-of-a-gun. For years you've been hounding poor innocent people trying to make an honest living. Yes, that's right, Ichi, some people are honest. Take my wife and me. My word wasn't good enough for you, was it? You had to concoct some crazy idea we'd been trying to evade paying taxes all these years. The 'auditor from hell' is what they call you around here. Your parents probably fed you crushed nails and ice cubes as a baby, because you have about as much compassion as a serial killer. Are your ears turning red yet? My wife tells me you got pretty steamed up the last time you came to visit and I was gone. Wish I'd been there to see it but it's too late now. Yes, sir, it is too. I know your favorite saying is, 'never say die,' but in this case, you, Mr. Ichabod Ruby Sooker have cooked your goose, not to mention your books. That's right. My wife dropped the evidence I gathered against you off at your boss's office before she took off for Switzerland. I'm sure you have a perfectly legitimate explanation for all the interesting information I dug up.  Gee whiz, those words sound so familiar. My favorite IRS investigator used to say that a lot. Now would probably be an excellent time to mention, I don't intend to pay my taxes this year. In fact, my wife and I are never going to pay taxes ever again! Woo Hoo! Son-of-a-gun, that feels so good to write down. Wipe that smile off your face, Ichi. You're not going to win this one. Dead men don't pay taxes. Shocker, huh? That's right, if you're reading this, I'm dead. Actually, I was dead when I wrote it. Turn around and look in your mirror. Yes, that's right, it's me! I'm waving. Look a little pale, don't I?  Boo!   Made you jump!  This is too much fun. Don't look so alarmed. You've been in the business of haunting people with their past for years. Now it's your turn. Oh, stop trembling. You'll make me feel bad. I've been dealing with you for two years now, and you've never once shown an ounce of emotion. The way you look right now, well, I have to admit, it's almost human. No hard feelings, Ichi, even if your threatening voice-mail message last Thursday morning, did speed up my heart attack by a day or two. Yes, that's right. I was going to die on Saturday anyway, so the boss tells me.  Speaking of death, when I looked at your case file, it said your last day on this earth is going to be . . . naw, on second thoughts, why spoil the fun. You'll find out soon enough -- figuratively speaking of course. Don't bother looking for my wife either. It would be a shame for you to waste your last few . . .  oops, there I go again. The boss says I can't tell you. Something about no man knowing when he'll take his last breath. No hard feelings, Ichi. I enjoyed outwitting you all those years. You were right, of course. I was evading my taxes, but if Uncle Sam can afford to hire morons like you, they shouldn't expect people like me to pay your salary.  You are welcome to show this letter to your boss, but I should warn you, he'll probably have you locked up in a loony-bin quicker than you can say, "tax evasion." You see, this letter is written in invisible ink. Only you can read it, compliments of the ghostly light I'm casting over your shoulder. Nice shirt you're wearing. Did I mention I'm making this up as you read? It's so much fun haunting you I'm thinking about moving in. It will be just like old times, Ichi. You've been in my pocket for years. I'm just returning the favor. Darn, I have to go. Your next appointment is here. Do you remember Mr. Jones? Of course you do. You spent years trying to wring every last penny out of the poor man's pockets.  Cheers, Ichi! Enjoy your last . . .  oh dear, there I go again. Contest Winner Recognized Share your own writing! - Information on our membership for writers. Author Notes Okay, so I'm probably a little rusty! It has been months since I've had a moment to sit down and write, and I had to spin this out in the only spare half-hour I had today, as the contest closes tomorrow. Hope I at least got a smile out of you! If you let me know about nits, I will fix them asap. Here are the contest requirements. We all love to pay our taxes, right? Okay, maybe you don't. Here's your chance to express your opinion. Write a letter to the Internal Revenue Service or the equivalent tax authority in your country. Tell them how much you appreciate them and the opportunity to contribute to a worthy cause. Or let them know why you refuse to pay your taxes this year. The only catch: make it funny. 100 word minimum. Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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