Excellent Without these five pillars, a marriage is doomed The Five Pillars of Marriage by jojosug      Contest Winner

Category:  Commentary and Philosophy Non-Fiction   Posted:  March 10, 2009      Views: 1333

ABOUT JOJOSUG  Jojosug is a fifty three year old mother of three daughters and professional foster carer living in the Uk. Working with 'difficult to place' teenagers. She has had a varied and diverse life, from drug addiction, prison, to politician and campaigner on human rights. Working in the field of social care for many years, she has seen the best and worst humankind is capable of. Jo loves gardening, using it as venue to meditate. Current and world affairs fascinate her and she continues to learn about other places, their culture and way of life. Learning for learning sake is an ongoing way of life. People fascinate her and are a constant source of inspiration in her work. Coming to writing late in life, she intends, talent permitting, to make it a future career. I've just been informed that my application to undertake an MA in Creative Writing at the local University has been accepted. I wanted to share this with you all. It's a chance to learn much, practice my art and prepare me for my new career in the autumn of my life. She won a contest. The Five Pillars of Marriage was the first place winner in the contest . Portfolio | Become A Fan The 'Five Pillars' of Islam are the foundation of Muslim's faith and carrying out these obligations provides the framework of a Muslim's life, weaving their daily activities and their beliefs into a single cloth of religious devotion. No matter how sincerely a person may believe, Islam regards it as pointless to live life without putting that faith into action and practise. Carrying out the Five Pillars demonstrates that Muslims are putting their faith first, and not just trying to fit it around their secular lives. Marriage is not unlike the Islamic faith; it requires the same level of commitment, devotion and faith by both parties in order to make it work. Believing in the concept and idea of marriage is not sufficient to make it work, but it is a start. Nowadays the idea of longevity appears to have little place in people's lives, so when the going gets difficult, they get going. For one or both partners in a relationship or marriage to decide to part, is a personal and private action. Unfortunately, it often involves and impacts on the lives of the children, who have little say about their parents' behaviour or actions. Few children are left unscathed by the separation of parents, leaving a legacy of grief, loss, diminution of self esteem and often poverty. Used as weapons in the battle of recrimination and pay back, they carry this distorted view of relationships and marriage into their adult years. Thus the cycle continues and grows, for aren't the parents a child's first and most important teachers? So what have they learnt? Certainly it isn't the 'Five Pillars' that provide the foundations of a happy, healthy and successful marriage. So what are these pillars? Respect is the first pillar. Without this cornerstone few marriages have any hope of long-term survival. Hurtful words, unthinking criticism, cruel put-downs all contribute the erosion of a healthy marriage. Anger and indifference and sometimes cruelty begin to replace warmth, love and laughter. Couples undermine each other, pecking away at the other's sense of well-being and self esteem. At times the atmosphere in the home can be cut with a knife, filled with unspoken accusations, hurt and recriminations. Eventually the marriage begins to wither and die, as there is nothing positive to hydrate it. Trust is the second pillar of a good marriage. If you are unable to trust the person closest to you, then you are alone in life. A marriage is in serious difficulties when adversity strikes and they are the last person you would consider turning to. Instinct should tell you, they will always be there to support you and never by word or action, knowingly undermine or hurt you. A marriage steeped in trust will allow the persons concerned to develop and grow as individuals, have friends of both genders, without the 'green eyed monster,' taking up residence in the marriage. Trusting your partner to have good instincts, to make the right decision and trust that when they say they 'love you' they mean it. So many marriages flounder on the rock of unfounded suspicions, creating anger and hurt. Honesty represents the third pillar. An overused and much abused word, tossed about liberally within marriage, without an understanding of its value and place in a relationship. Honesty isn't always about saying what you think. Especially, if said in the heat of an argument, with the intention of wounding and scoring points. It is about owning up to your own faults, mistakes and short-comings. The word 'sorry', 'I made a mistake' or 'I was just plain wrong,' goes a long way to heal wounds and soothe hurt. Instead of attacking your significant other, what is wrong with talking about how they made you feel? Yes, it does mean making oneself vulnerable, but it also creates a platform for dialogue and reconciliation. Thus creating the opportunity, for your partner to share their fears, hurts and concerns. If honesty is treated with respect and used properly, it presents a wonderful tool for the creation of a healthy marriage. Fidelity is the fourth pillar of a good marriage. There is a very wide interpretation of this word. Some would say that not engaging in sexual activity with others represents fidelity. This is a simplistic view and an avoidance of the real issue. Whilst it is impossible to prevent feelings of sexual attraction to others, what a person does with those feelings is crucial. Imagine how your marriage partner feels, when they see you flirting with someone else, or worse hear about it from others? What impact does this have on your marriage? The comparison of your partner in the arena of looks, skills, or income, creates mistrust, reduces self-esteem and opens the door to jealousy, anger and hurt. You have married this person, be positive about their attributes, do not shame and embarrass then. Sex is an important element of a good marriage, so work at it and make time for your partner. Failure to do so, creates indifference and distance, allowing for the possibility and excuses for an extra-marital affair. Communication the final and fifth pillar of marriage. This is probably the central pillar of marriage and the absence of it, will mean that the other pillars are likely to crumble and fall. To be lonely in a marriage is the worst possible scenario, yet so many marriages end in this way. There is no big explosion, no acrimonious break-up; it simply dies bit by bit. Communication doesn't just happen; it has to be worked at, especially when the children arrive. It is so easy to stop saying how you feel, or to ask your marriage partner what is going on with them. It's so much simpler is to talk about the children, and mundane household matters. The gap between you widens and what is left when the children leave home? Nothing, hence the number of marriages that end at this point. Poor or no communication reduces respect, failing to give credence to your partner's views or needs. Trust disappears, for how can you trust, when you have no idea what is going on with them? Honesty is dead, without communication there can be no honesty. Instead you both build a reservoir of hurt, anger and resentment. Either one of you are at increased risk of having your needs met elsewhere, for as human beings we have an inherent need to connect, be intimate and I don't necessarily mean sex. The failure to build or repair one or more of these pillars in a marriage will inevitably undermine the foundations they stand on, causing disrepair and in many cases to crumble and fall. Like any building, they require attention, maintenance and effort. If you want to leave a positive legacy for your children to inherit, remember the example you set in your marriage and other relationships, is of incalculable value. Worth far more then any money or trinkets you may chose to leave behind. In bequeathing the building blocks of a healthy marriage, you're passing on a gift not only to your children, but also to future generations. Contest Winner Recognized Share your own writing! - Information on our membership for writers. Author Notes This is written in UK English. The five pillars of marriage are not neccesarily that of the Islamic faith, though I believe they can be applied to any marriage, no matter the background culture, or religion. The comparison comes about,in that to be a 'good' Muslim or equally to have a successful marriage, the same kind of commitment and devotion is required. In Islam, Muslims are expected to adhere to these pillars, so I used it as a metaphor for a good marriage. My views have grown out of time spent reflecting about the break-down of my own marriage and my part in it. My biggest, abiding regret is the impact it has on my children. I am working hard to try and mitigate the effect it has had, in the heartfelt hope they can go on to have happy, healthy relationships in the future. This is a competition entry, which didn't specify prose or poetry as its terms and conditions. for some reason beyond my control, it has been listed in the poetry section and despite considerable effort to change it, I have been unable to do so. Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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