Exceptional A faerie tames a dragon Axel Dragon's First Internet Date by RaymondJohn Write About This contest entry Artwork by MinoYasue on FanArtReview.com

Category:  Fantasy Fiction   Posted:  August 25, 2008      Views: 595

RAYMONDJOHN  IN PRINT   ABOUT RAYMONDJOHN  Raymond John is a hopeless FanStory addict who has at times spent as many as twelve hours in a single day reading, reviewing and writing for the site. His three purposes are based on three "Es" which are Explain, Enlighten and Entertain. His greatest fear is to take himself too seriously. He may not always smile, but he always has a twinkle in his eye. Knock his socks off with a fantastic write and he'll be your best cheerleader and give you a banner award, to boot. He has written two novels and numerous short works. His first book, The Cellini Masterpiece, has sold nearly 3,000 copies and received an Honorable Mention in the 2006 IPPY awards. It is now available in a Kindle edition from Amazon.com. An audio version (ISBN 9780615268125) is now available read by the renown actor, James Cada. MP3 edition, downloadable for IPOD, is 14.95. Order at www.raymondjohnbooks.com. His second mystery, Mix and Match Murder, which was originally scheduled for release in September of 2008 is now in print and available from Amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com and North Star Press. A scholar born in the golden age of radio, Raymond always appreciates hearing a well-told story, especially one with action and believable dialogue in a historical setting. I have written and received many reviews. I have a thick skin, so if constructive criticism is forthcoming, bring it on. He has won several contests. The contest submission Mousie, Kittie and Booger was the first place winner in the contest Tales of the Weird.. Gold In Them Thar Words was the first place winner in the contest Tales of the Weird.. Lot 386 was the first place winner in the contest Tales of the Weird.. He is a top ranked author and is currently holding the #22 position. Portfolio | Become A Fan I've got a warning for you. Don't ever try Internet dating. It's dangerous. My name is Axel Qzprxl, and I know. It all started when the last guy I ate was working on a laptop computer. He was writing about some stupid car he had when he was a youngster for a contest on FanStory. Something he called Grinder. Well, I ground him. Heh, heh. While I was digesting him I decided to play with his computer. I found I could move things around on his laptop using one of my toenails after I chewed it down to make it small enough to work in that tiny space they call the laptop's mouse. I got a big kick out of seeing the pictures of the humans in their biographies on FanStory. I fantasized for days about what they would taste like. Some looked like they would be best served rare; just one or two heavy breaths would do them fine. Others, well I wasn't sure I wanted to hyperventilate myself to tenderize such old meat. I even liked some of the poems. One of us dragons would show up in them once in a while. One of the poems really got me mad. Some Irish lady wrote about St. George, saying what a brave man he was for offing poor cousin Egbert. Talk about rubbing salt in a wound! I've been looking for this George guy for centuries. We dragons don't lose very often, but when we do, humans sure love to rub it in. I don't think I'll ever find the murderer, though. I was born without wings. Some kind of genetic thing. I was on my way to Britain, on foot, when I fell into this Loch. Luckily I'm a good swimmer. I gave up looking for George a long time ago. He's probably dead by now, anyway. Humans don't live very long. If I caught him, I'd roast him in his shell. I'd make him sizzle. I wouldn't eat him, though. Too much work trying to get him out of his armor. I'd let the fish take care of what was left of him. As I already mentioned, I was taking a stroll around the lake when I came on this man with hair around his mouth who was working on a laptop computer. I expected he would try to run, but he was glad to see me. He thought I was good luck. I suppose I am, unless I catch you. If I do, it's good luck for me and bad luck for you. From what I understand, we don't even have to eat you to bring you bad luck. Remember cousin Lucy? He tempted some silly woman to eat an apple. I don't know if it had a worm in it, or what the problem was, but it sure changed the course of human history. I see we're getting away from my telling you why Internet dating ads are dangerous. I took my meal's computer and finished reading FanStory. Suddenly, this popup ad for finding the love of your life appeared on the screen. I haven't had much love in my life, and I figured what the heck. If things didn't work out, I'd still get a nice romantic meal out of it. So I took the quiz. Paying for a membership was no problem. I've got enough gold to last until the end of time. I even cashed a little in when it hit a thousand dollars an ounce and bought it back when it went down to five hundred so I could buy even more. The dating service wanted a picture of me. Well, I have thousands of purses and wallets from my guests who came to supper, and I found a picture of a male human that looked like it might be appealing, and enclosed it with my application. A week later I got my membership and my first pictures. As I mentioned, my taste in women tends to run to young. They aren't as gristly. Men are all right, but females are better because they have more fat. It marbleizes the meat. The first picture I saw was a woman dressed in flowing gowns. She had sort of a spacey look, which appealed to me, too. I really don't like to hear people screaming when I'm about to eat them. I have sensitive ears. I e-mailed her and told her I would send a limo to pick her up. We'd find out if we were compatible and then have a nice dinner. She thought that was nice and said she would bring me a gift. That seemed awfully sweet, considering what I was planning to do to her. I spent days dreaming about what would happen. I gave the limo service directions about delivering her to the door of the cave. They were supposed to drop her off and leave, I would bring her back. I didn't want to scare her too soon, so I left the door of the cave open. Eight o'clock arrived. I heard an auto pull up, a car door slam, then a rap on the portal to my cave. I told her to come in. I made sure she would see the dining room table first. I even used some candles I made from one of my former guest's tallow. She took a look around and stepped in. Sort of. She didn't exactly step in, she drifted in on air. I had no idea how she did it. "Axel?" she called in a voice that sounded like tinkling glass. "It's Ariel. I'm here." I didn't say a thing. "My name is Ariel, but some people call me Alice. You can call me either one." I considered jumping out at her, but she undid a bag she was carrying over her shoulder. "I brought something for you." "Hmpf, yes," I said in my gentlest voice from the shadows behind my easy chair. "What is it?" "I can't explain it. You'll have to come and see." She laid the bag on the table and opened it. Reaching in she took out a small clear plastic pouch with something brown inside. "Don't be shy, come here. I won't bite you." The words sounded strange to me, especially in light of what I had in mind. I didn't move. It didn't stop her. Next she took out a glass bulb filled with water. It had a small bowl connected at the top, and a long plastic cord coming out of the side. I watched her fill the bowl with the brown stuff from the plastic pouch. "I need a light," she said. I figured it was about time for me to make an appearance. I stood up to my full height. She didn't seem at all frightened of me. She just pointed at the brown bowl. "In there." Why not? I thought. We had plenty of time. The corn I was boiling still wouldn't be done for another ten minutes or so, and I didn't want to rush things. From the looks of her, I was sure she wouldn't need more than one or two puffs to become the main course. Taking a tiny breath, I blew into the bowl. Something caught fire and I noticed a strange sweetish smell. She took the end of the black cord into her mouth and sucked. "Ah. Panama Red. The best there is." She offered the cord to me. I was licking my chops trying to decide which part of her body to start on. The smoke seemed to make me feel a bit dizzy. "Just try a puff," she said. I don't know why, but after a few breaths of what was coming out of the bowl, eating dinner didn't seem quite as important as it did before. I somehow was able to wrap my lips around the end of the black cord. "Take a deep breath." I did. Suddenly, all the people I had eaten appeared and began to dance around me. I expected they would try to attack me, but they tried to hold me by my claws to get me to join them. Tears came to my eyes, but I couldn't get to my feet. "Take another big puff," Alice said. Suddenly I felt bad about my plans to eat her. I felt bad about all the others who I had eaten. Dragon tears, which are like crocodile tears, only bigger, fell from my eyes and I wept. Unable to stop myself, I got to my feet and joined in their dance. With every puff, my love of my guests grew, and suddenly they were sitting on my shoulders and my head, and I was blowing smoke up in their direction and laughing maniacally. Finally, the fire in the bowl went out and my guests disappeared. All of them but Alice. "Are you happy?" she asked. "Happier than I have ever been in my life." "I knew you would be," she said, rubbing the scales on my nose. "Please fill the bowl again." "I don't have any more with me, now. I can come back tomorrow, but it will cost four ounces of gold." "Yes. Anything. Please come back as soon as possible." She did, and my pile of gold began to dwindle. Over time, I felt the name Axel no longer fit me. She suggested Puff. I of course agreed with her. She could have called me Axel the Slug and I would have agreed. From that day I never stayed in my cave, but danced in the sun. It was the land called Hannalee. Recognized Share your own writing! - Information on our membership for writers. Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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