By Spitfire
LOONY TUNES: A sadistic child-woman. 42.
FRIEDA STRICKLAND: A severe looking prim school teacher. 55.
ELLEN STEWMAN: A Jewish overweight hypochondriac. 52.
CRYSTAL PALMS: .A cash hungry Russian fortune-teller .28.
KANDY KANE: An air-headed ex-stripper. 37.
SARGE LA BELLE: The absent-minded landlady. 60.
TIME: Early November. The present. Mid-afternoon.
| Author Notes |
Act I will be broken up for shorter posts and labeled MONEY
followed by a title. Formating is not exact for a stage play. The site offers only formatting for screenplays. |
By Spitfire
CHARACTERS introduced in this section.
OFFICER BUDDINSKI: Fifty plus. A chatty eager beaver cop.
MICKEY MANCUSO: Mid forties. A trigger-happy small time crook.
MACK RUFFALO: Mid forties. His obsessive-compulsive partner.
FRIEDA
Be quiet, both of you. It’s that busybody cop again. (vindictively to Ellen) He’s here to arrest you for those magazines. Used or not, stealing is stealing.
(Another knock. ELLEN grabs magazines, sits on them.)
OFFICER (O.S.)
Mrs. La Belle? You and your ladies okay in there?
(SARGE enters from kitchen without her cap. When she opens
door, she transforms into a friendly and flirtatious old lady. )
SARGE
Why, good afternoon, Officer Buddinski. We’re just fine. You don’t need to drop by every day.
OFFICER
It’s the least I can do for the Colonel. I sure do admire him for returning to active duty. This being his retirement years and all.
SARGE
With my husband, it’s always been America first.
OFFICER
Still, tough that he left you with such a fixer-upper. The city was ready to—
SARGE
Give up on selling it, I know. But it’s been our dream to run a bed and breakfast, so how could we turn down a house with all these rooms?
OFFICER
But this old house needed a lot of work— the roof, the wiring, the plumbing—
SARGE
And the colonel did most of it before leaving for that foreign country with the funny name.
OFFICER
Well, our country needs all the manpower it can get, no matter how old. And you, my dear are doing your share to help the recession. Renting so cheap to women down on their luck. Such a bad economy. Stealing is a big problem: food, drugs, even magazines.
FRIEDA
Aha!
ELLEN (to the officer)
Ov veh, isn’t it time for your doughnut?
OFFICER (chuckles)
Don’t need to remind me. By the way, there’s a snowstorm headed for south part of Jersey. That's not too far away. Did you get that old heater working, Mrs. La Belle?
SARGE
Yes, yes. Now you get going. Don’t rush back. We’re all doing just fine.
(Shuts door, plops flower back in vase, reverts to bossy.)
Nosy chatterbox. Wish he’d mind his own business.
(Marches back to kitchen. ELLEN puts back magazines.)
ELLEN
Me too.
KANDY
Can everyone be quiet, pul-lease. Madame Crystal is reading my future.
(Everyone listens.)
CRYSTAL
I see busy heart line in past. Men took advantage of your generous body and pocketbook. That be why you have no money.
KANDY
And no diamond. Can you tell me why I don’t have any luck with guys?
CRYSTAL
Because you always be attracted to wrong kind.
ELLEN
Like bank robbers.
KANDY
Am I going to end up an old maid like Frieda?
FRIEDA
Excuse me, Miss Kane, One doesn’t need a man when one has a passion for books, art and music. I don’t need to rely on pleasures of the flesh for my happiness.
KANDY (deadpan)
I do.
CRYSTAL
Don’t despair, Lusty Lambkin. See this loop? You meet husband this year.
KANDY
Really? Will he be a good person?
CRYSTAL
I be palm reader, not FBI agent. Maybe you find this man on your trip. Lines say you vill do lots of travel by water. Like a hotel boat, maybe.
KANDY
You mean a cruise ship? I don’t have money for that.
CRYSTAL
Maybe you get back job, dancing half-naked in front of drooling men. Good tips!
KANDY
Half –naked! I did better than that.
(Rising, she starts a seductive dance.)
LOONY
Mr. Squirrel says he likes dancers with less cellulite. You should stick to waiting tables.
KANDY (sits again)
But I’m a lousy waitress.
CRYSTAL
Forget job, Chesty Lambkin. Let me look at palm again. See zis little squiggle with two lines? It mean you be rich in very short time, Sweet Generous Kind Beautiful Dancer.
KANDY
Really? Maybe Jimmy Deathhead is getting out of the slammer. He gambled my whole savings, but promised to pay it back when he finished his life sentence.
CRYSTAL
This not be money you earn. Maybe inheritance you share with other housemates?
LOONY
I don’t want her money. I want a friend.
ELLEN
Kandy, share the money with me. I introduce you to handsome doctors. Make good husbands. Rich and never home.
FRIEDA
I can’t believe you listen to this fraud. The only way we’ll ever have money is to rob a bank.
LOONY
Too late. It’s been done.
KANDY
Well, if I do get money, I'll use it for travel. But I don’t want to go alone.
FRIEDA (friendly now)
I’d love to be your companion. We could go to London and Paris and Florence.
KANDY
But I want to take a trip to the sun.
FRIEDA (back to her icy self)
Don’t be ridiculous. You’d burn up.
KANDY
No, I wouldn’t. I’d go at night. And then I’d go to the moon during the day. I read that if you have enough money, you can fly there.
CRYSTAL
But your hand, it say you travel by ship.
KANDY
It could mean a rocket ship.
FRIEDA
Kandy, this woman can’t tell the future. You’re not going to be rich, you’re not going to travel, and you’re not going to find a husband.
(SARGE marches in, wearing cap again.)
SARGE
It’s laundry day, ladies. You have five minutes to get your clothes together.
(She marches back to kitchen.)
CRYSTAL
Didn’t we do that this morning?
KANDY
She forgets things. Same as Loony.
(LOONY rises, heads for stairs.)
LOONY
Get your undies, Frieda. Or did you use Depends all week?
FRIEDA
That’s it! I’ll get you and your big bear too.
(Shedding her dignity, she chases LOONY upstairs. They exit.)
KANDY
Madame Crystal, you inspired me. I’m going to check my black book under “M” for “men”.
(Exits to hall SL.)
CRYSTAL (mutters)
If anybody care I go consult spirit guide.
(Exits to her room SR)
(Seconds later, the front door opens. Enter the robbers:
MICKEY MANCUSO and MACK RUFFALO, dressed in
second-hand black suits, wrinkled white shirts, neckties.
MICKEY carries a battered briefcase, MACK, a duffel bag.)
To be continued.
By Spitfire
Opening: The two thieves, trigger happy Mickey and obsessive complusive partner, Mack, have entered what they thought to be an empty house.
MACK
We done got away with it, Mick. No one recognized me or you or the briefcase or –
(He suddenly drops bag, crosses room, straightens pictures.)
MICKEY
This here house don’t look empty to me.
(O.S. banging and rattling noises.)
MACK
I don’t like them noises. Let’s go somewhere else..
MICKEY
You pea brain. We can’t leave ‘til Mad Dog gets here. Some genius. Tells us to rob a bank, change clothes, take a bus and wait for him here. Plans it all, but leaves the friggin’ passports in Joisey. Well, I was smart, Mack. I kept the money. That way he can’t plan no double cross.
(MACK isn’t listening. He’s tidying up desk. Scuffling
noises come from basement.)
MACK
This place is spooky. How long we gotta stay?
MICKEY
Two – three hours. Wonder if I copied down the wrong number? Trixie says I always screw up.
MACK
Aw, forget Trixie.
MICKEY
Easy for you to say. You ain’t never had a sister who called you a loser. We got a million bucks now, Mack. Once we get outta the country and in a fancy hotel, I’m sending Trixie a picture of me lounging by the pool in spandex and gold chains. Maybe I’ll buy her a diamond necklace just to prove I made it big, and there ain’t no hard feelings.
MACK
That’s nice of you ’specially since Trixie got all them brains and awards, and you ain’t never got nuttin’ but bad—
MICKEY
Shut up. I don’t need no reminders. My life's gonna change today. Trixie won’t hide my pitcher no more.
MACK
Yeah, she’ll be proud her brother made it rich. But what we gonna do if someone lives here? The address on this envelope is the same one Mad Dog gave you.
MICKEY
He swore up and down the place was condemned months ago. We gotta stay. I’ll figure out a story. I got a real talent for lyin’.
(MACK pulls Rooms For Rent sign from a drawer.)
MACK
Hey, Mickey, look what I found.
MICKEY (grabbing it)
A rooming house! Ain’t that convenient.
. (Hearing footsteps, he shoves sign back in drawer.)
C’mon, buddy. Outside.
(They exit as SARGE enters with a feather duster. A bandanna
replaces the cap. She has tied the ends around her neck.)
SARGE (singing as she dusts)
Oh when the saints come marching in/ Oh when the saints come…
(She trails off, crosses to door leading to basement, unlocks,
opens it. A loud knock startles her. She freezes..The knock
again, louder, insistent. SARGE backs away, shuts door tight,
locks it , puts key next to others on hooks by door.)
SARGE (fearfully)
Who’s there?
(Door opens. MICKEY and MACK stand on threshold,
fake grins on faces. )
MICKEY
‘Mornin’, Ma’am. Me and my partner is here to--
SARGE (relief shows at first, then hostility)
I know what you’re here for.
MICKEY
It’s chilly. Can we come in?
(Without waiting, he moves forward. MACK follows,
shuts door.)
SARGE
Look, I know you boys have a job to do, but I’m a born and bred Baptist, so you can just turn around and take your pamphlets next door to old man Crabtree. He’s Catholic and definitely needs a new religion.
MICKEY
Ma’am we don’t have no pamphlets and —
SARGE
I never thought Jehovah’s Witness would find this back street.
MACK
Who’s Jehovah’s Witness?
MICKEY (to MACK)
Must be someone on trial.
(to SARGE)
Ma’am we ain’t testifying to nothing. I’m Mr. Mancuso. This here's my partner, Mr. Ruffalo. We works for the FBI. And we need—
SARGE (distressed)
The FBI? Am I under arrest?
MICKEY
No, Ma’am, we’re here undercover to investigate an internal problem. Therefore we needs to rent a room.
SARGE (recovering)
Oh! Well, sorry. I only rent to women.
(MACK has crossed to sofa, set duffel bag down,
starts arranging throw pillows from big to small.)
MACK
I love women, especially ones with big---
SARGE (crosses to MACK)
You don’t talk like a Witness, Mr. Ruffalo!
MICKEY
Ma’am, we ain’t a witness to nothin’. We’re detec-a-tives, and we only need a room for one night.
SARGE
Like I said before, I only rent to women. There’s a nice motel in town. They have plenty of rooms.
(She crosses back to front door, opens it wide, stands
arms across chest. MACK has spotted knickknacks in
bookcase, runs to arrange them from large to small.
MICKEY confronts SARGE.)
MICKEY
We wants a room here, lady.
(He firmly shuts front door.)
To be continued.
| Author Notes | This is a stage play. Format is different from that of a screenplay |
By Spitfire
MICKEY
I didn’t want to tell you, Ma’am, but we got high tech equipment in this here briefcase. If it gets in the wrong hands, people could get kilt. That’s why we can’t go to a motel. The bad guys always look there first for undercover men. (steers MACK to table.)
MACK (straightening chairs)
We’ll give you a thousand dollars to let us—
SARGE
A thousand dollars! Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t make that kind of money.
MICKEY
For the last time, you old –I mean-- Ma’am, we’re not witnesses for a guy named Jehovah.
SARGE
Humph! That’s too bad. I almost changed my mind. After all, a church is a church. But if you’re not peddling the word of God, get your bag of Bibles and head downtown.
MICKEY
The bag! Um. I forgot. Jehovah told us to collect clothes for charity. That’s working for the church, ain’t it? So can we have the room now?
SARGE
Wait here. I got things to get rid of. (exits to kitchen.)
MACK (to MICKEY)
Can I put on jeans? These pants give me a wedgie.
MICKEY
Sure, Mack. Wear your ski mask too. That’ll convince the lady we’re upright citizens.
MACK (opens duffel bag,)
I forgot. Are we FBI or Jeopardy’s Witness?
MICKEY
Close the bag pea brain. You ain’t changin’ no clothes. Straighten up those magazines.
MACK (happily following orders)
Hey Mick, I wonder if the women here have big—
MICKEY
Shut up. Mack. We don’t even think about dames ’til we get out of the country.
MACK
I hope Mad Dog Joey don’t get caught in the storm.
MICKEY
What storm?
MACK
A man on the bus was talkin’ about a surprise blizzard in Joisey. His son—
MACK
Easy as cheatin’ on a test. ’Member them days, Mick?
MICKEY
Yeah, yeah. Sixth grade. And that frigid-faced teacher. Boy, she had it in for me. C’mon, we got work to do. (unzips bag, pulls out wire cutters, hands them to MACK.) Cut the phone line. Should be on left side of house.
MACK (at door)
Which way is left, Mick?
MICKEY
Just cut any wires you see! Go!
(MACK exits right. MICKEY closes case, then pulls out a gun, tucks it into his
waistband, covers with jacket. Footsteps sound. SARGE enters, carrying an extra
large brassiere in each hand.)
SARGE
Here you are, Mr. Witness. Women this size have –
MICKEY (tosses them into bag.)
Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
SARGE
Where’s your partner?
(On cue, MACK returns, cutters in hand.)
MACK
Over here, Ma’am. I went out to cut—
MICKEY (to SARGE)
Ruffalo went to cut a tree branch that tripped him. Almost fell. He coulda sued you. (grabs cutters from MACK, shoves them into bag.)
SARGE
Sue me? I don’t have any money.
MACK
We have lots of—
MICKEY (pinches MACK'S arm, turns to SARGE)
So, do we get that room now?
SARGE
Sorry, boys. I rented my last one two weeks ago to a woman who reads hands.
MACK
No kiddin’! I’ve always wanted to have my fortune told.
SARGE
You mean Jehovah’s Witnesses believe in that stuff?
MICKEY
We’re not—
SARGE
I don’t, of course. But I rented her a room anyway. She had cash. I had a big closet.
MICKEY
Okay, okay. I get the message. No room at the inn. But how 'bout a cup of coffee before we head next door to convert the Catholic.
SARGE
Two coffees on the double. (exits to kitchen.)
MACK
I hate coffee. Whyn’t you ask for Gaterade?
MICKEY
You dummy. I just had to get her out of the room. We ain’t got much time. That door by the kitchen must lead to a basement. Maybe it ’d be better to hide the briefcase. Never know when a cop will show. Go down and look for a place. (crosses to desk as MACK heads for the basement.) I’m gonna find news.
(MACK looks at the keys on rack, starts to arrange according to size. MICKEY
fiddles with radio, tunes into static. then …)
ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER
More news after this word from our sponsor.
(During the following voiceover MICKEY spots MACK playing. He marches over, pulls
longest key off hook, unlocks door, yanks it open, turns on a light switch, shoves MACK
in. Shutting the door, he returns key, crosses back to briefcase.)
SPONSOR VOICEOVER
Run, don’t walk, to the nearest drugstore today and look for the mud colored label. Megalax-- the tasteless, odorless laxative that gets you moving. No more straining. Just mix one teaspoon into your coffee, juice or even water. That’s right. A teaspoon a day will take away those uncomfortable sit-downs.
(MACK opens case, pilfers some bills, stuffing them into pockets.)
ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER
We received an update on the unexpected snowstorm that's hitting all of New Jersey and closing down back roads, highways and the airport. Here’s Tornado John to tell youl about it.
(MICKEY returns to the desk, rummages through drawers, pockets a watch, yanks
flowers from vase, stems dripping. Finding ELLEN’S soggy bills, he squeezes water
out, replaces flowers, puts wet dollars in his shoe.)
TORNADO JOHN VOICEOVER
Thirty-four flights from whatever the name of that big airport is, have been cancelled so far, and snow continues to fall. Traffic is moving at a snail’s pace as snow plows work—
(A scream erupts from upstairs. MICKEY turns down volume. A second scream,
He runs to bottom of stairs, hand on his gun.)
To be continued.
| Author Notes | This stage play is a farce defined as exaggerated comedy based on broad humor and highly unlikely situations. Keep this in mind when rating characters and actions. |
By Spitfire
Background: While MACK is in basement looking for a place to hide the money. MICKEY
turns on the news. He hears about a snowstorm in Jersey that could affect the arrival of
their getaway man. He opens briefcase and is helping himself to some money when
he hears screams from upstairs and "Monster!" He shuts case, heads toward sound.
(MICKEY, gun out, starts upstairs. Thinks twice. Conceals
gun, climbs cautiously. Just as he exits, CRYSTAL and
KANDY enter from opposite sides.)
KANDY
Who screamed?
CRYSTAL
Must be Off Rocker Lambkin. She be doing primal therapy, maybe?
KANDY (sees briefcase.)
Where did this come from?
CRYSTAL
Ooh! My spirit guide. He be right on time.
KANDY
Who?
CRYSTAL
Chief Mohawkopov of four thousand year old tribe. He speak in sign language. Told me to look for unexpected gift.
KANDY
So this belongs to you?
CRYSTAL
Chief say case belong to man now dead. But stuff inside belong to many people, maybe even us.
KANDY
Then me thinkum we should open it.
CRYSTAL
We on same wavelength.
(They open it, stare at money, shut it, open it again, and high five.)
KANDY
Wow! This is enough wampum to buy rocket ship and go to moon.
CRYSTAL
Or return to Russia, live in palace and not be called fake.
KANDY
Madame Crystal, maybe this all belongs to me. Didn’t you say I’d be rich soon?
CRYSTAL
Chief said this money belong to many. But we get head start. Reward for finding.
(She fills her turban. KANDY stuffs a bundle down her
front. They hear footsteps.)
Landlady come. We keep secret for now.
(She shoves case under a chair. They race to their rooms.
SARGE returns with two coffees.)
SARGE
Your coffee, Gentlemen. (sees empty room) Looks like they deserted. Good riddance.
(ELLEN enters, in shabby bathrobe with large pockets.
She charges like a rhinoceros toward SARGE.)
ELLEN
Ov veh! I turn on t.v. Get no picture, no sound. Like I should have to miss One Life To Live?
Do something, landlady, or my blood pressure go to five hundred.
SARGE
Fill out a form for repairs. They’re in the desk. (sets coffee on table.)
ELLEN
Like I can write with these arthritic hands? Get in my room and fix it.
SARGE
If the Colonel were here, he’d make you do twenty push-ups for talking to me like that! But I’ll just pretend the t.v. is your butt and give it a kick.
(Exits Stage Left. ELLEN crosses to sofa, bangs her leg on table.)
ELLEN
Ov veh! The pain, the pain! (reaches to rub her ankle, sees briefcase, pulls it out.) Where did this come from? Looks like Alfred’s old valise. Same scratch on side. Maybe Madame Crystal did bring him back! (looks upward) Alfred? Alfred? Are you there? Should I open your case? Give a sign. (a burst of static from radio) That’ll do. (sits, opens it, grabs her heart.) You were holding out on me, you schmuck! But I forgive. Cash better than bonds.
SARGE (O.S.)
Your set is kaput. ELLEN (stuffs bills in her pockets and hollers back.) Keep trying. See if I plugged it in.
(Footsteps sound. ELLEN bangs case shut, blocks it from
SARGE’S sight before she enters the living room.)
SARGE
I’ll order Private Kandy to let you use her set.
ELLEN
That I should borrow something from a stripper! No, you drive me to that Best Buy place. I’ll get a forty-inch screen.
SARGE
Whoa! That’s expensive requisitions. Don’t you owe a month’s rent?
ELLEN
You expect me to skip my pills so I can pay for an eight by ten room? A prison cell it is. You call that helping the homeless, the sick, the hungry? The- the thirsty? I smell coffee. I want a cup.
SARGE
You hate coffee.
ELLEN
So, make me hot chocolate. It would help my grief.
SARGE
Grief?
ELLEN
Missing my soaps! Such tragedy. Melissa got herself pregnant by the gardener in order to get even with her husband because she found him in bed with her brother and—
SARGE
I’ll make hot chocolate. The coffee is for the deserters.
ELLEN
What deserters?
SARGE
The men who left the briefcase you’re standing in front of. (picks case up.) I’ll put it in lost and found.
ELLEN (grabs it) No! I mean—I think they’ll be back. I keep it here.
SARGE
Five minutes, I give them, and then it goes into storage. (exits to kitchen)
ELLEN (opening case and putting bills into her pockets.) You hear that, Alfred? Deserters try to steal our money.
SARGE (O.S.)
I think those men were from the church. Collecting for charity.
ELLEN
Charity? Church? (frantically starts to put bills back)
SARGE (O.S.)
Wait a minute. I forgot. They were from the government.
ELLEN
Government? Must be a stimulus package. And who’s keeping track?
(She shuts case, takes it with her as she exits Stage Left.)
To be continued.
| Author Notes | This is a farce with a lot of action. Hence, I've included many stage directions. |
By Spitfire
Background: Two inept bank robbers find themselves in a boarding home for women
down on their luck. Without thinking, they leave the briefcase full of money on the table
and exit the room. One by one, boarders find the money and help themselves. Finally,
Ellen takes the briefcase to her room. Mack is in the basement and Mickey is upstairs
investigating a scream. He reappears, races down the stair, with LOONY in hot pursuit.)
MICKEY
Sorry lady! I thought you wanted him dead.
LOONY
Not the way you did it! Squish with the heel. You should have picked him up, pulled his legs off and carried him outside to an anthill. Who are you anyway? I’m going to tell my landlady on you. Mrs. La Bella-la? Where are you?
(SARGE enters with ELLEN’S hot chocolate, sees MICKEY)
SARGE
Come back for your pamphlets?
MICKEY
What pamphlets?
LOONY
Hot chocolate? Is that for me? Wait a minute. Let me get my teeth.
(She runs upstairs.)
MICKEY
Hey, where’s my briefcase?
(He starts searching. FRIEDA races downstairs with a small bag.)
FRIEDA
Crabtree left his dog poop in our yard again. Every day I step in it. I’m going to return his poop and give him a piece of my mind. (sees MICKEY) Who are you?
SARGE
He’s a deserter.
FRIEDA (in his face)
You look familiar.
MICKEY (backing away.)
I do?
SARGE (to MICKEY)
Where’s your partner?
MICKEY
He went to get something out of the car.
(FRIEDA crosses to door, opens it.)
FRIEDA
I don't see a car. Just Crabtree's bike.
MICKEY
Gee whiz, lady. I parked around the block. This neighborhood don’t look too safe for a BMW.
FRIEDA (moving closer)
Now I recognize you! Mickey Mancuso from my sixth grade class twenty-two years ago.
MICKEY
Frigid Face?
FRIEDA
Frigid face? Why you little termite! You and your buddy made my first year of teaching miserable. (to SARGE) This child could look me straight in the eye and still prevaricate.
MICKEY
What’s that mean?
FRIEDA
Look it up.
MICKEY
Don’t have to. I ain’t in school no more. Go get the dog poop.
FRIEDA
I’m going to walk around the block and see if you really do have a BMW. I expect that’s another prevarication.
(She storms to door, exits, bangs it shut. MICKEY follows, opens door )
MICKEY (yells)
Don’t forget the shit! (bangs door shut, turns to SARGE) Now, lady, I’m still lookin’ for my
briefcase. (starts moving cushions)
SARGE
Don’t mess with my sofa! The case was here a minute ago. Maybe I put it in the kitchen.
(She storms off to the kitchen.)
MICKEY (opens basement door.)
Mack! Get up here!
(A thud from below sends him running downstairs, closing door behind him.
ELLEN returns, sets briefcase back on table.)
ELLEN
Ov veh! Jews invented guilt. And Catholics perfected it. Stealing is stealing. Thank you, Frieda.
(She exits S.L. KANDY and CRYSTAL enter S.R. with hugh purses.)
KANDY
The case is back on the table!
CRYSTAL
My spirit guide like to play jokes. You fill your bag first. I watch for interrupters. (watches, counts softly and rapidly ) One, two, three four, five, six, seven. Okay, it be my turn now.
(Pushing KANDY aside she stuffs her purse while KANDY counts loudly,
using her fingers.)
KANDY
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six—
SARGE (O.S.)
Loony? Is that you?
(KANDY rushes back to CRYSTAL who slams the case shut.)
CRYSTAL
We go to rooms Chesty Lambkin. Hide money.
(They rush to their respective rooms. MICKEY opens basement door, MACK
behind him. SARGE returns from kitchen. They collide.)
SARGE (fiercely)
Who are you, and what you doing in my basement?
MICKEY (caught off guard)
Um. We’re exterminators. Do you know you have rats down there, lady?
SARGE
I don’t have rats. And you’re not exterminators You’re deserters. (slams basement door.) Your coffee is cold now, so just—just take your bag and –and (sees briefcase back on table) briefcase and leave!
MICKEY
You found the mon—I mean the case?
SARGE
Right where you left it.
MICKEY
What the—
(MICKEY crosses to briefcase, MACK joins him, FRIEDA barges in,
waving a newspaper.)
FRIEDA
I knew it! Mickey Mancuso, you’re—(sees MACK) My word! Your buddy, Mack Ruffalo.
MACK
Miss. Strickland? Wow! You live here? And you remember me?
FRIEDA
I certainly do. You drove me crazy sharpening every pencil to be the same size. (vindictively) Ever learn how to spell, Mack? Without cheating, that is.
MACK
You ain’t changed much. You still don’t have boobs.
FRIEDA
How dare—
MICKEY (picking up the case)
I swear this—
SARGE
Strickland, your rude students said I have rats in my basement!
FRIEDA
Mrs. La Belle, you have rats, but not in the basement. They're in front of you. (hands her the paper.) Read the headline.
SARGE
“ Fifth National Bank robbed. Thieves Caught on Camera.”
FRIEDA
Check the photo.
SARGE
Two people in ski masks. There's no place to—
FRIEDA
Look at the eyes. I never forget eyes. They belong to the two men here: Mack Ruffalo and Mickey Mancuso. And I’m betting money is in that briefcase.
MICKEY
Wrong! We works for the FBI and the case is full of technical documents. Touch it and you’ll be an accessory to the fact in the trial of Jehovah.
LOONY (at top of stairs.)
Is my hot chocolate ready? (sees MICKEY, barges downstairs.) You still here? Watch out for him, Frieda. He killed my roach. Took him out with one stomp.
SARGE
That’s his job. He’s a Jehovah’s Witness working undercover as an exterminator.
(CRYSTAL opens her door, takes in the scene.)
FRIEDA
He’s a bank robber! They’re both bank robbers! Doesn’t anybody hear me! I’m going to check that briefcase.
To be continued.
| Author Notes | This is a farce or exaggerated comedy. Situations are outlandish. |
By Spitfire
Background: Two bank robbers are waiting for their getaway man in what they thought was a vacant house instead of a boarding place for six female misfits. They've kept their identity a secret until the schoolteacher finds newspaper with a photo of the thieves. To convince others, she starts toward the briefcase. This scene opens with the last line of "MONEY:Caught."
FRIEDA (shrieking)
He's a bank robber! They're both bank robbers! Doesn't anybody hear me! I'm going to check that briefcase.
(She grabs the case before MICKEY can react. CRYSTAL, alarmed, runs
over and grabs the case from FRIEDA.)
CRYSTAL
You sure they do this, Spy Lady Lambkin? If they be robbers, we should not open case until real police get here.
(She gives the case back to MICKEY who hugs it for dear life. KANDY enters.)
KANDY (delighted)
Ohmigosh! I have way too many clothes on for male company. Be right back.
MICKEY (pulls his gun.)
Not so fast. Nobody's goin' nowhere.
(A collective gasp except for FRIEDA)
FRIEDA
I told you so!
MICKEY
Shut up, Strychnine. Yeah, that's what we called you -Frigid Face Strychnine. (waves his gun at the newcomers.) Jeez, the broads are comin' out of the woodwork. Get over to the sofa. All of youse. Sit!
(The frightened ladies squish together. FRIEDA sits on the armrest.)
MACK (frantic)
No, no. the tallest first, the shortest at the end.
(The women, get up to rearrange themselves.)
MICKEY
Stay where you are, everybody! Mack, take the money and go sit in the rocker.
(MACK and KANDY reach for the case at the same time, their hands
touch, hold.)
KANDY (flirtatious)
Are you sure this is your briefcase, big boy? It looks familiar. Do you by any chance know Joey "Mad Dog" De Ninzio? He had one just like it.
MICKEY
Get your hands off that case, Blondie!
MACK
Hey Mick, she knows "Mad Dog."
KANDY
My name's not Blondie. It's Kandy Kane.
MACK (wide-eyed)
The girl who danced at The Blue Magnolia?
KANDY
That's me. I used to work there before--
MACK
I 'member. You had the biggest --
MICKEY
"Can" ' the small talk! This ain't no cocktail party. Mack, go sit on the other side of the room away from this floozy.
(Footsteps sound from hall. MICKEY points gun in that direction.
FRIEDA uses the distraction to get up and inch toward phone. During
the following, she huddles in the corner, punches 911.ELLEN enters,
sees gun, raises her hands)
ELLEN
Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I paid my taxes.
MICKEY
Another dame? Get in here, lady. Shut up and sit down.
ELLEN
Thank you. My sciatica is killing me. (limps to easy chair) So. Mr. Government Man. You Republican or Democrat?
KANDY
He's a bank robber. So is his friend
(She blows a kiss at MACK who pretends to catch it.)
CRYSTAL
Chesty Lambkin, you not pay attention when I read hand.
ELLEN
If you are Democrat, I want to talk to you schmucks about my health plan.
SARGE
Stewman, these men are not doctors. They're robbers.
ELLEN
So is my doctor. Ov veh, I could buy a month's groceries on what he charges for office visit.
MICKEY
Shut up lady, if you want to live to see another day.
ELLEN
I love that soap. I missed it today. You didn't happen--
MICKEY
Shut up. (to SARGE) Hey, Boots, anyone else live in this dump?
SARGE
It's not a dump!
MICKEY
TIs too. Foreclosed and condemned--
LOONY
Condemned? No wonder I got roaches.
CRYSTAL
Foreclosed? Is true, Landlady Lambkin?
SARGE
I'm working on saving it. That's all you need to know.
ELLEN
All that rent we pay!
SARGE
Goes for water and electric bill!. Start using flashlights and stop using the toilet.
(They all react to a crackling sound as if ice is shifting.)
KANDY
The house is falling apart!
MACK
I counted five rats in the basement. They was chewing wires. Two of them is dead.
ELLEN
Dead! So, I die in this dump?
KANDY
Not unless you eat wires.
(Banging pipes. A picture falls off the wall.MACK rushes to pick it up,
hangs it back, making sure it's straight.)
MICKEY (to SARGE)
Nice going, landlady. You took their money and told them the place was safe. I bet if I fired a shot at the ceiling, the whole place would crumble.
(He points tgun upward. The ladies leap up. He lowers gun at them.
They quickly fall back onto the sofa.)
To be continued.
| Author Notes | As a farce or exaggerated comedy, stage directions are used to convey the face-paced silly reactions. |
By Spitfire
Background: Two bank robbers hide out in a boarding house for women, one of whom recognizes them as the thieves. Mickey is forced to bring out his gun.
MACK
Mick, you ain’t gonna hurt nobody, is you?
MICKEY
I’m gonna tie 'em up. I saw rope in the basement. On top of the --
SARGE (frantic)
You don’t need rope. There’s clothesline in the kitchen underneath the sink.
MICKEY
Thanks, Boots. That’s real thoughtful of you. Go get it, Mack.
(MACK exits to kitchen, leaving briefcase on rocker.)
SARGE
You don’t need to tie us up. We’ll just all sit at attention until you leave. Um, when will you leave?
MICKEY
Soon as our getaway man gets here.
KANDY
Can’t you put that gun away? We won’t give you any trouble. Ellen has a weak heart. Loony has a weak mind, and Frieda’s too busy talking on the phone—
MICKEY
What! Nice try, Strychnine. But it ain’t gonna work.
(He saunters over but keeps his gun aimed at the others.)
FRIEDA (clutching the phone)
Don’t say “ain’t”, Mickey. It makes you sound like a gangster.
(MACK enters without clothesline.)
MICKEY
I am a gangster. And Mack’s a gangster, too. Expert ones! (to MACK) Where’s the clothesline, pea brain?
MACK
I couldn’t find it. Hey Mick, I forgot. Are we FBI or Jeopardy’s Witness?
FRIEDA
You’re crooks, Mack. And you’re stealing the little people’s hard earned money.
LOONY (leaps up)
I want my social security! With interest!
ELLEN
Sit down, Loony! He has a gun. We have nothing, no sharp knives, thanks to you, and no baseball bats, thanks to Frieda.
FRIEDA
You’re a ninny, Ellen. And you, Mickey, are still a liar. I’ll bet that gun isn’t even loaded. I’m calling your bluff.
MICKEY
Oh yeah? Well, I’m calling your bluff, Strychnine. Who do you think is on the other end of that line?
FRIEDA (haughtily)
No one right now. I dialed 911. They put me on hold.
MICKEY
Ha! Who’s telling a lie now? You can’t call anyone. Mack cut the phone wire.
FRIEDA
No, he didn’t. Someone just picked up. Listen.
(She puts receiver to his ear.)
SEDUCTIVE VOICEOVER
Nine one-one. Sorry for the wait. If it’s too late, please hang up so someone with another
emergency can get through.
MICKEY
Huh? (recovering)This ain’t Pizza Hut? Sorry, lady. Wrong number. (hangs up)
Get back over there on the sofa, Strychnine
(He rips phone loose. )
MACK
You gonna order pizza? I want mushrooms, sausage, and—
MICKEY
Forget pizza. Why didn’t you cut the wire like I asked?
MACK
I did. I cut that thick black wire by them bushes outside the window.
ELLEN
You cut the cable wire! That’s why I’m missing my soap!
(Grabbing a pillow, she throws it at MACK. CRYSTAL and LOONY stand
and throw more pillows. MICKEY fires the gun in the air. Plaster falls.
They all duck. The terrified ladies sit. Total silence for a beat. Then...
CRYSTAL (conversationally)
Gun not make big noise. Have silencer maybe? Like in James Bond movies.
MACK
I love them movies. The women always had big –
MICKEY (to FRIEDA.)
Now you know, Frigid Face. The gun is loaded. You owes me an apology.
FRIEDA
I do not!
MICKEY
Apologize! Or I’ll stuff you in that freezer downstairs. Maybe toss in a rat --
SARGE (jumping up)
No!
LOONY
Told you. Bad guys leave no witnesses.
MACK
I don’t like this, Mick. Let’s just sit quietly and wait for Mad Dog.
MICKEY (to FRIEDA)
Apologize, or it's the freezer!
SARGE
For America’s sake, Frieda, tell him you’re sorry.
FRIEDA
I’d rather be frozen.
SARGE
She’s sorry, Mr. Mancuso.
FRIEDA
No I’m not!
SARGE
Apologize, or you’ll be evicted!
FRIEDA
You’d throw me out because I won’t say “I’m sorry” to a thief?
SARGE
Aha! There! She said it. We all heard her.
MACK
I heard her too, Mickey. She said "I'm sorry." I don’t want no one to die.
MICKEY.
Okay, okay. I accepts your apology, Strychnine.
(SARGE sits back down.)
FRIEDA
But I —
MACK
Hey Mick, can Kandy come over and sit by me?
MICKEY
No! The ladies stay on that sofa where I can watch every move.
MACK (raises his hand)
I got a question, teacher.
FRIEDA (irritably)
What is it, Mr. Ruffalo?
MACK
Where’s the nearest potty?
KANDY
At the end of the hall, honey, Right next to my bedroom. I’ll show you.
MICKEY
Sit down, Blondie. He can find it. Go on, Mack. Take the briefcase with you.
(MACK exits SL carrying the case.)
ELLEN
Say! That’s my bathroom, too. He’ll make a mess. Men never aim straight. Too much to the right or—
FRIEDA
I don’t need to hear this.
MICKEY
Then pretend you ain’t got ears.
FRIEDA (rises, outraged)
Don’t say “ain’t”!
MICKEY (in a face-off)
I’ll say it all I want! Ain’t. Ain’t . Ain’t. I’ll even use it in a sentence. You ain’t my teacher no more. Got it?
(A toilet flushes. A faucet runs. Pipes rattle. A squeal as the faucet is turned
off. MACK returns but doesn't have the briefcase.)
To be continued.
| Author Notes | This is a stage play with different formatting than screenplay. It's a farce or exaggerated comedy with ridiculous characters and outlandish situations. |
By Spitfire
At this point the thieves are holding six ditzy renters at gunpoint as they wait
for their getaway man to arrive. Mack has just come back from the bathroom
where he took the briefcase. When he comes back, he's empty-handed. He
sees that MICKEY and FRIEDA are talking again.
MACK
Wow! You two is getting’ along.
MICKEY
No we ain’t.
FRIEDA
Not until Hell freezes over.
(During this exchange CRYSTAL whispers to KANDY)
MICKEY (to MACK)
Go back to the kitchen and look for the clothesline again.
(MACK exits SR)
KANDY
I gotta go to the powder room too.
MICKEY
No, you ain’t.
FRIEDA
Don’t say “ain’t,” dammit!
MICKEY
Teachers ain’t suppose to swear. You said “damn”.
FRIEDA
And I’ll say it again. Damn. Damn. Damn. I’ll even use it in a sentence. You’re a damn thief and a damn liar. Got it!
KANDY (singsong)
I’m going to have an accident.
MICKEY
Then go!
KANDY
Thank you.
(She exits S.L )
CRYSTAL (to SARGE)
So this really be condemned house?
SARGE
What do you expect for ninety dollars a month.
ELLEN
She pays ninety? You’re charging me a hundred and ten!
FRIEDA
I pay a hundred and thirty!
LOONY
Ha ha a ha ha. I only pay seventy.
CRYSTAL
World War Three about to start. Do something Gun Man. ( pauses) But no shoot.
MICKEY
I’ll do something all right. You broads is all goin’ downstairs.
SARGE
You’re locking us in my basement?
MICKEY
You got it, Boots. Mack, get out here and escort the ladies downstairs.
(MACK returns, opens door.)
ELLEN
No! I'm scared of rats.
LOONY
Not me. I gonna grab one and pull its teeth out.
(She heads down. The others hang back.)
MACK
No, no! The tallest lady goes first, then --
SARGE
Rank goes next.
(She heads down, followed by FRIEDA. O.S. sounds of toilet flushing,
pipes banging and faucet squeal. KANDY returns, stands behind sofa,
holds briefcase aloft. MICKEY has his back to her. CRYSTAL locks eyes
with Kandy, points frantically to ground, mouths "Hide it.")
MICKEY (stares at CRYSTAL)
What the--
CRYSTAL (drops to her knees)
I lost my contact. Don’t move!
(KANDY shoves the briefcase under sofa, then pops back up,
crosses to CRYSTAL , gets down on hands and knees.)
KANDY
I don’t see it, Madame Crystal.
MICKEY
Get up, both of youse. Down to the basement.
(KANDY scurries over still on hands and knees. CRYSTAL helps her
up and they hustle downstairs. MICKEY locks the door, returns key to
hook, sits at table. )
MICKEY
Mack, bring the briefcase over here.
MACK
I think I left it by the potty.
MICKEY
Okay, okay. I’ll get it.
(He exits SL . MACK unzips duffel bag, pulls out large brassiere.)
MACK
Wow!
MICKEY (O.S.)
Are you sure you took it to the bathroom?
MACK
Hey, Mick. Wait ’til you see what I found. Wonder where I can find the lady who fits this?
.
(MICKEY returns, grabs the bra, stuffs it back into bag.)
MICKEY
Them's clothes for charity. The broad's dead, and you'll be too, if you don’t find that briefcase.
MACK
I took it to the bathroom like you told me.
MICKEY
Well, it ain’t there, buddy. (a beat) Wait a minute! Kandy went in there right after you. I’m thinking you and this stripper got a code. She’s blowin’ kisses and touchin’ your hand. You two trying to pull a fast one on me?
(He pulls his gun on MACK)
MACK
A fast one?
MICKEY
I don’t like being double-crossed. Say your prayers, Mr. Ruffalo.
MACK (on his knees, trembling)
Now I lay me down—
CURTAIN
END of ACT I
Stay tuned for Act II.
| Author Notes | Keep in mind, this is a farce with exaggerated characters and outlandish actions. |
By Spitfire
ACT II
TIME: Seconds later.
AT RISE: MICKEY is aiming the gun at MACK. A dog barks O.S. Knocks of varying intensities come from basement door.
FRIEDA (O.S.)
Crabtree’s out there. His ears are as big as the President’s. He’ll hear any shot and sic his pit bull on you.
(Mickey crosses to window. MACK stays on his knees, still praying.)
MICKEY
That ain't no pit bull—
FRIEDA (O.S.)
Don’t say—
CRYSTAL (O.S.)
If you shoot the Pea Brain Partner, I put curse on you. Lose hair, teeth, and family jewels all in one night.
SARGE (O.S.)
If you get bloodstains on my rug, you’ll do push-ups twenty-four seven.
KANDY (O.S.)
There’s an awful smell in this room. Let us out. I’m gonna be sick.
LOONY (O.S.)
Dead rats I’ll bet. I’m heading down. Want to crush their—
SARGE (O.S.)
Loony, stay here! You can help me knock this door down. One, two—
(MICKEY storms over, unlocks door. The women tumble out, catching him
off guard. He drops the key. SARGE grabs it, locks door, pockets key.
FRIEDA and LOONY light into MICKEY. KANDY darts behind sofa.)
FRIEDA
Look what greed has done to you! Turned you against the only person who could stand the smell of your feet.
LOONY
Tell it like it is, Teach.
FRIEDA
Mack followed you around school like a faithful dog.
LOONY
Arf! Arf! Arf!
FRIEDA
And he beat up anyone who called you a psycho.
LOONY
Hey! The kids called me that too.
FRIEDA
And now you would kill your best friend over money?
LOONY
At least he has a best friend. I don’t have anybody.
FRIEDA
Oh, shut up, Loony. Go hug your bear.
(As this is going on, CRYSTAL and ELLEN get MACK on his feet and guide
him to sofa. SARGE follows. While they comfort him, KANDY retrieves the
briefcase, runs to the rocker, picks up teddy, sets the case down, plunks
bear on top,hurries back to sofa, sits next to MACK, holds his hand.)
CRYSTAL (to MACK)
How you tremble. Your head warm. Could toast bread on it. Sarge, you have a fever taker? Never mind. Check his pulse. I check his mind, but not much there I think. Maybe good match for Kandy.
SARGE (grabbing his free wrist)
Quiet! I’m trying to count.
MICKEY (flourishing his gun at FRIEDA and LOONY)
Both of you shut up!
(LOONY flounces over to rocker, picks up teddy, throws briefcase on floor. )
LOONEY
Poor Mr. Squirrel. Having to sit on that nasty-gundy briefcase.
MICKEY
Briefcase? What the-- (pushes FRIEDA with his gun) Pick it up, Strychnine. Set it on the table and get over there with your pals. Mack, get over here now!
KANDY
Don’t talk to him like that. He’s in shock.
MICKEY (aiming gun at her.)
So am I, girlie. Maybe you and your boyfriend can explain how my briefcase--
KANDY
My boyfriend? Madame Crystal, is this—
FRIEDA (to MICKEY)
You owe your friend an apology.
MICKEY
He ain’t my friend.
MACK
I ain’t?
KANDY
Well, he’s mine.
MACK
I am? Can I straighten your necklace then?
MICKEY
Get your hands off her, Mack.
(He sees CRYSTAL headed for the desk)
Where you going, Turban Head?
CRYSTAL
I get news on stock market. Find out your million dollars now worth fifty cents.
ANNOUNCER
--unexpected snow storm. Traffic at a standstill in all of New Jersey. Pile-ups--
(CRYSTAL starts to turn dial.)
MICKEY
Leave that on! Quiet, I gotta hear this.
ANNOUNCER
-- could be days before plows clear the roads. Days before your guests arrive--
MICKEY
Turn it off. I heard enough.
MACK
Days before Mad Dog gets here? Whoopee! Miss Kandy, would you like to go out with me tonight?
KANDY
Yes!
MICKEY
You ain't goin' nowhere. Forget the broad. We gotta change plans. When’s dinner, Boots?
SARGE
The name is Sarge, not Boots. And there won’t be any dinner. I’m out of rations.
MICKEY
You ain’t got no food?
SARGE
You picked my shopping day to bust in here.
MACK (heading toward basement)
I seen a freezer with a padlock --
(SARGE charges ahead and stands in front of the door)
SARGE
Does it look like I can afford to keep meat in a freezer?
(takes paper and pencil out of a pocket)
I’ll make a list and go to the store.
MICKEY
You ain’t goin’ nowhere. I’m sendin’ Mack, We passed a Winn Dixie on the bus. Put on your list steak and potatoes.
CRYSTAL
Fruit and vegetables too. All organic.
SARGE
Who’s paying for this fancy chow?
MICKEY
Get some bills out of the case, Mack.
(KANDY and CRYSTAL exchanged frightened glances as MACK crosses
to table. His hand touches the latch. CRYSTAL screams. MACK turns. She
rushes over, pushes him out of the way and all but sits on the briefcase.)
CRYSTAL
Wait! You not want to use bank money.
KANDY (joins her)
Yeah, it - it could be marked. You might get arrested.
ELLEN
Ov veh, I have money to loan you. Don't open the case.
To be continued.
| Author Notes |
For those just joining, the three ladies have taken some of the money when the briefcase was left unguarded.
O.S. means off stage. |
By Spitfire
Souvenirs of past
Vain memories of lost youth
Vanish into trash
By Spitfire
Background:. Forced to stay longer at the boarding house, the robbers want dinner, but
there's not much food available. MACK goes to briefcase to get money for shopping and
is stopped by three boarders who stole from the stash when left unguarded. ELLEN, who
always cries poor mouth, produces bills stuffed in her robe pocket. She offers them to
MACK and gets the following reaction from landlady, SARGE LA BELLE.
SARGE
You owe me rent! Where’d you get all this cash?
ELLEN (glares at Kandy)
I hide emergency money now where it can't be soaked.
(MICKEY takes a key from the rack by basement door.)
MICKEY
I’m guessin’ this here starts that piece of junk in the garage.
SARGE
You can’t take my car!
MICKEY (more than annoyed)
I can’t take your car. I can’t go down your basement. Who the hell is giving orders around here!
(Tosses key to MACK)
MACK
I don’t ‘member where the store is.
MICKEY
Do I have to tell you everything?
KANDY
Don’t yell at him, you bully.
MICKEY
Mind your own business.
MACK
Don’t talk to my girlfriend like that. I’m gonna take her with me.
MICKEY
Oh? Is that the plan? Take the money and run?
MACK
You got the money, not me. I’m still your friend.
MICKEY
Okay, okay. I’m gonna choose to believe you. Boots, you go with him. If you run into anyone, Mack is your cousin.
SARGE
I don’t want a cousin who robbed a bank.
MICKEY
And I don’t want to have to hurt one of these ladies! Mack, start calling her “Auntie” so she gets used to it.
MACK
I never had no aunt. I was an orphan.
KANDY
Really? My parents didn’t want me either –once I started stripping.
ELLEN
That reminds me. I need hemorrhoid cream.
LOONY
Put “Depends” on your list, Sarge. Frieda just ran out.
(FRIEDA gives her the evil eye.)
KANDY
Mack, want to buy condoms?
MACK
Yeah!
MICKEY
You ain’t buyin’ nothin’ but meat and potatoes. Now, get going! You broads stay on the sofa.
(MACK and SARGE exit. MICKEY sits at a table, his gun trained on the
five women, briefcase at his feet. Silence reigns for a few seconds. Then
FRIEDA turns to MICKEY.)
FRIEDA
Loony’s the one with a bed-wetting problem, I just want you to know. It’s not me.
LOONY
Tattletale. At least I never--
FRIEDA
Don’t you dare! I told you that in secret.
CRYSTAL (to FRIEDA)
Ah, this be why you no let me read your hand.
KANDY
I’m bored. Can we play a game?
(LOONY produces glasses, perches them on her nose, assumes a professional
attitude.)
LOONY
Let’s do group therapy. I’ll be the doctor and start with our guest for the day. Mr. Mancuso?
MICKEY
Therapy! I ain’t gonna play that game.
LOONY
Okay, We’ll do twenty questions then. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
MICKEY
I got a sister. What’s it to you?
FRIEDA
Trixie! I remember her. She was in my class three years after you. What a delightful child. Straight “A’s” and always winning awards.
MICKEY
Thanks for reminding me, Frigid Face.
FRIEDA
I’ll bet she’s a CEO or a stockbroker by now--
MICKEY
She woiks for the government.
FRIEDA
Really?
MICKEY
Yeah, she don't pay no taxes for five years straight, so the President hires her to keep his books.
KANDY
Maybe you should try that. Skip taxes, I mean.
LOONY (sternly)
Don’t encourage bad behavior, Kandy. Let’s stay on track. Mr.Mancuso, I sense deep hostility toward your sister. Did your parents play favorites?
MICKEY
You bet. She always got to pick the family movie. I had to sit through The Sound of Music and My Fair Lady seventeen times—each. It made me puke when Professor Huggins kept pickin’ on that flower girl 'cuz she don't talk proper English. I’d of shot him. (to FRIEDA) Get the message, Strychnine?
LOONY
Frieda, you need to tell Mr. Mancuso you won’t correct his English any more.
FRIEDA
What!
MICKEY
You heard the lady. You is traumatizing me.
LOONY
Tell us about the first Christmas you remember.
MICKEY (with increasing emotion)
I was three years old. Trixie was a baby. She got a silver rattle. I got a plastic toy from China that broke in my mouth and almost choked me
CRYSTAL
So when you turn to crime. Trigger-happy Sheep?
FRIEDA
Fourth grade. He took twenty-dollars from my purse. Thought I didn’t notice, huh Mancuso.
MICKEY
If you saw me, Frigid Face, why didn’t you turn me over to the cops?
FRIEDA
I hoped you would use it to buy shoes. And I-I felt sorry for you. No one played with you—except Mack.
ELLEN
So what did you do with Frieda’s money?
FRIEDA
Tried to buy friends.
MICKEY
Did not! I gambled for marbles.
KANDY
You gamble? Every man I hooked up with at the Magnolia was a gambler. They always lost and got beat up by the mob. After a while, guys avoided me. (starts to cry) They said I was a jinx. Told the manager to fire me.
LOONY
So you have no friends either? Like me. And Frieda. And now, Mr. –
MICKEY
I do so have a friend! Two in fact. Mack and Mad Dog. So there!
KANDY
I once had a friend. Lincoln something. He had a real important job—president of a big building that started with “F”. I gave him my tips every night so he could pay back what he lost. Now that I’m gone, I bet he’s in big debt.
CRYSTAL
See? Men take advantage of you. Watch out for Pea Brain Mack.
LOONY
We’re coming to the end of our session—
MICKEY
Not yet. I want to hear about my teacher. (to FRIEDA) Wasn’t you engaged?
FRIEDA (coldly)
I don’t remember.
MICKEY (goading)
I do. It was all over school. He left you at the altar.
KANDY (to FRIEDA)
You had a boyfriend?
FRIEDA
Of course, I did. I wasn’t always—
MICKEY
Frigid?
LOONY
Go on, Frieda. Tell him why your boyfriend dumped--
FRIEDA
I hate you, Loony!
To be continued.
| Author Notes |
For those tuning in:
Two robbers with a briefcase full of money wait for a partner in a condemned house, inhabited by six female misfits. MICKEY thinks his friend plans to double-cross him. I often use exclamation points rather than question marks after sentences starting with What or Who. This is acceptable as it denotes the way it should be read. |
By Spitfire
Background: Two robbers with a briefcase full of money wait for their partner in a condemned house, inhabited by six female misfits. Three of the gals have helped themselves to some of the money when the briefcase was left unguarded. They fear now that Mickey will discover the loss. In the previous scene Mack and Sarge went grocery shopping, and Loony held a mock therapy session to discover Mickey's background. At the end, he talks her into revealing a secret about Frieda.
LOONY
Go on, Frieda. Tell him why your boyfriend dumped--
FRIEDA
I hate you, Loony!
LOONY
She got drunk at the rehearsal party and did the Dance of the Seven Veils. Showed
ev-er-y thing. Her fiancé was a Baptist preacher. So were some of the guests.
KANDY
The Dance of the Seven Veils! Ooh. Teach me. Teach me.
MICKEY
Yeah, teach her. This I wanna see.
LOONY
It’ll cost a million dollars. Open the briefcase. I'll count it out.
FRIEDA
He doesn’t have a million in there. I doubt there's even a thousand. You never could count past ten, Mickey.
MICKEY
Oh yeah? Well, let me prove I can, Frigid Face.
(He sets case on table. CRYSTAL rushes over, sits opposite him.)
CRYSTAL
Let me read ze palm first. I look at lines. See if you get away with robber plan.
MICKEY
Don’t touch my hand, you carny fraud.
CRYSTAL
I not be fraud. Be good sport. I not even charge.
LOONY (goading)
Bet ya Trixie would do it.
KANDY
Me too. Your sister sounds like a winner.
CRYSTAL
She be smart too.
MICKEY
Okay, okay. Go ahead. Read me.
CRYSTAL (taking his free hand)
Very strange. I see same kind of lines as in Chesty Lambkin palm.
MICKEY
I want nothin’ in common with that stripper.
CRYSTAL
It not be bad thing. She is to travel. And so are you. (a beat) But not necessarily together.
MICKEY
It don’t take a rocket scientist to figure that --
FRIEDA
It doesn’t take –
MICKEY (to CRYSTAL) Of course, I’ll travel. Youse think I’m gonna stick around here with my money?
CRYSTAL
You vill travel around ze world.
MICKEY
On my private jet.
CRYSTAL
No. On hotel boat. Same as Kandy. (a beat) But maybe not ze same one.
MICKEY
I don’t go nowhere on a boat. Hell, I get seasick in a bathtub.
CRYSTAL
Palm do not lie. I wonder how you pay for such travel? I don’t see money in zis hand.
MICKEY
Course not. It’s in the briefcase. I’ll show --
CRYSTAL (holding tight to his hand) Some other time. My powers in full bloom right now.
ELLEN
Me too. I need a sugar fix, or I'll start sweating. Maybe go into a coma. There has to be
something in that kitchen.
FRIEDA
As a matter of fact, there is.
MICKEY
How do you know, Tight Buns?
FRIEDA
Tight Buns? Why, Mickey, you have been checking me out.
MICKEY
I was referrin’ to your brain cells.
CRYSTAL
You want to fight with teacher or find out future?
MICKEY
Why don’t you see no money in my hand? I gots a million dollars.
(He pulls hand away, starts to unlatch case.)
KANDY (rushes over, frantic)
Before you show us the money, I have a confession to make.
(All heads turn in her direction.)
CRYSTAL MICKEY
What! What?
To be continued.
| Author Notes |
Dance of the Seven Veils The Princess Salome dances for King Herod in exchange for him giving her anything that she wants. The dance is very sensuous and involves the gradual taking off of seven long veils draping her body. It can be seen on YouTube.
|
By Spitfire
Background: Two robbers with a briefcase full of money wait for their partner in a
condemned house, inhabited by six female misfits. Three of the gals have helped
themselves to some money when the case was left unguarded. Their objective now
is to prevent Mickey from discovering the loss. He is about to open the case when …
KANDY (frantic)
Before you show us the money, I have a confession to make.
CRYSTAL MICKEY
What! What?
KANDY
I love Mack. If he asks me to marry him, I will. Would we have your permission?
MICKEY (aims gun at her)
No! And it ain’t gonna happen. Now shut up while I show you ---
ELLEN
Help! I feel a sugar low. I’m a diabetic, Mickey. I need something sweet. Fruit. Candy.
Cookies. Ov vey, you let me check the kitchen?
FRIEDA
I saw a jar of prune juice in the pantry this morning. For heaven’s sakes, let her get it.
ELLEN (to MICKEY)
If you don’t trust me, you watch.
(She exits to kitchen. Mickey follows, stands by entrance )
MICKEY
Okay, okay .Get me a glass of water while you’re at it.
(MICKEY glances from Ellen to the ladies and back, as if watching a
tennis match.)
ELLEN (O.S.)
You should try the prune juice. It’s full of vitamins.
MICKEY
Shut up, or you’ll be full of bullets. And now I want two glasses of water.
(Sound of water running into two glasses.)
FRIEDA (goading)
So, when are you going to show us your “million dollars”?
(He leaves his post, grabs the case.)
MICKEY
As soon as Sweat Glands gets back.
KANDY
You don't need to show us. I believe you. So does Crystal.
CRYSTAL
Shape of thumb tell whether you be liar or not. Sit.
MICKEY
That don’t make no sense.
(ELLEN returns, sets two glasses of water on the table, returns to
sofa. MICKEY chugs one glass and half of the other. )
ELLEN
Does the water taste okay?
MICKEY
What do ya mean, “Does it taste okay”? Water is water.
ELLEN
I put Megalax in it.
MICKEY (sputtering)
What the hell is Megalax?
ELLEN
It loosens you up inside. You’re uptight like Frieda.
MICKEY
I ain't nothin’ like her.
LOONY
Rage is good. Let it out. All that anger at Daddy and Mommy—
FRIEDA
And Trixie –
KANDY
Making you watch My Fair Lady and The Sound of –
MICKEY (clutching stomach)
Aaaauuuggghh!
CRYSTAL
You no look so good,
MICKEY
Nobody move. Sit on your hands ’til I get back.
(He dashes SL to bathroom.)
LADIES (singsong)
Girl Scout’s Honor.
ELLEN
Ov vey! That Megalax should work so fast on me!
KANDY
How much did you put in?
ELLEN
Who measures?
FRIEDA
We’re wasting time. We have to find weapons. Maybe there’s a gun in the briefcase. (unlatches it) This doesn’t look like a million dollars. But it is more than a thousand.
(She slips two bundles into her pockets.)
LOONY
What are you doing?
FRIEDA (hands money out to others)
No weapons so we make another plan. Take the money and fill the case with magazines. Mickey and Mack run off with what they think is a million dollars. We go to police, return money and maybe get a small reward.
KANDY and CRYSTAL (aghast)
Return the money?
CRYSTAL
Think, Super Teacher Lambkin. With this money you could take see Paris, London—
ELLEN
David with his --
KANDY
I could go to the moon.
.FRIEDA
You want us to keep this? That’s not ethical. (a beat.) Besides we’d never get away with it.
CRYSTAL
Why not? We keep robbers from opening case. When getaway dog get here, they be in mad rush to get out of country. They don’t check case ‘til later.
KANDY
But “Mad Dog” will think the guys are doing a double-cross. He’ll kill them. I don’t want anything to happen to Mack.
CRYSTAL(filling her turban)
Mack be just like other boyfriends. Only love you for money. Trust me.
(FRIEDA takes CRYSTAL’S money, puts it back in case.)
FRIEDA
I don’t want to be responsible for Mickey’s death either.
LOONY (grabbing several bundles.)
Why not? He made your life miserable for a whole year.
ELLEN (helping herself)
A gun he aims at you. At me. At Loony. At all of us. And we don’t get even?
(FRIEDA snatches money back from ELLEN and LOONEY)
FRIEDA.
He aimed, but he didn’t shoot!
KANDY
He called you Frigid Face. That’s really cold.
LOONY
Why should losers always win?
CRYSTAL (to FRIEDA)
Think of the silver haired man who swindled you. Maybe he put it in zis bank, and now you
be getting it back with much interest.
ELLEN
Give your share to the preacher. Win reputation back.
FRIEDA
Oh dear. You all have good points. (a beat) Okay, let’s do it.
(She snatches two bundles and heads for the stairs.)
LOONY
Where you going?
FRIEDA
To hide this where no gangster would ever look — behind my grammar books!
(The ladies grab bundles, run toward their rooms. A toilet flushes
followed by banging pipes. The ladies race back to the sofa, toss
money into case. CRYSTAL slams it shut. They sit on their hands.
MICKEY staggers in.)
To be continued.
By Spitfire
Background: Two robbers with a briefcase full of money wait for their partner in a condemned house, inhabited by six female misfits. Three renters help themselves to money when the briefcase is left unguarded. When Mickey decides to show off his stash, Ellen puts an overdose of laxative into his glass of water. He dashes to the toilet, warning the women to stay on the sofa. Instead, the ladies empty the case. Before, they can finish, the toilet flushes. They throw the money back in and sit down. Mickey returns with his gun.
KANDY
We’re still here. You okay?
MICKEY
Yeah. (a beat.) No! Don’t move. ( dashes back to bathroom.)
LADIES (singsong)
Girl Scout’s Honor.
(CRYSTAL yanks case open. They plunder it again. FRIEDA runs
upstairs. KANDY and CRYSTAL dash to their rooms. LOONY
stops at hall entrance to bathroom.)
LOONY (to unseen MICKEY)
Congratulations. You’re getting rid of that anger. Flushing the whole crap down the toilet.
MICKEY (O.S.)
Aaaaaaugh.
LOONY
You’re welcome. I’ll send my bill in the morning.
(LOONY starts upstairs just as FRIEDA is coming down. They
exchange high fives. LOONY exits. FRIEDA crosses to case,
throws in magazines, shuts case, sets it on coffee table . O.S.
a toilet flushes. Pipes bang. LOONY races downstairs.
CRYSTAL and KANDY return, run to sofa. The ladies squeeze
together. A wobbly MICKEY emerges, gun in hand. )
MICKEY
Hey! That ain’t the way you was sittin’ two minutes ago.
FRIEDA (demurely)
I left to turn on the radio. I heard you flush. I ran back. See? You have
me scared. Guess I sat in the wrong seat.
KANDY
Yeah, I moved over when she got up because I was getting squished.
ELLEN (to KANDY)
Are you calling me fat!
LOONY
Nobody wants to sit next to me because they all hate me. (to MICKEY) Except for
you. You got all the hate crap out of your system.
(ELLEN bops LOONY on the head. LOONY yanks ELLEN’S hair.)
MICKEY
I don’t need this gun. You broads will kill each other without my help! (to LOONY)
Go sit on your rocker, El Whacko.
LOONY
I was wrong. You’re still full of crap.
(She storms over to rocker.)
MICKEY
It’s time for news, Frigid Face. Go back and turn on the radio. And no funny stuff.
FRIEDA (muttering )
A “please” would be nice.
(She switches station, turns volume on high. A song
from The Sound of Music blasts into the room. )
MICKEY
Turn that off!
(FRIEDA does so, but LOONY leaps up, bursts into song)
LOONY
Climb all the mountains/ Climb all the ---
MICKEY
No! No! Not again!
(Everyone except FRIEDA and MICKEY applauds.)
CRYSTAL
You have amazing tonsils.
KANDY
Sing something I can dance to.
LOONY (singing)
I could have waltzed all night/I could have—
MICKEY
I hate Eliza! I hate the professor! .
FRIEDA
I hate musicals! Stop singing.
KANDY
But she’s awesome.
CRYSTAL
Maybe she can record and sell ze silver discs. Make fortune. Share with us.
LOONY
They like me! They really like me!
MICKEY and FRIEDA
No!
(O.S. a car door slams.)
FRIEDA
Thank heavens! I’ll get the door.
(She brushes past MICKEY, opens door. SARGE and MACK
enter with two bags of groceries. SARGE hands her bag to
FRIEDA who in turn, hands it to CRYSTAL who hands it to
KANDY. In the confusion, LOONY sneaks upstairs.)
MICKEY
Put them bags on the table! Nobody leaves this room. I want youse broads sittin’
on the sofa again. (aims gun at FRIEDA) ‘Cept you, Teach. Go find news.
(KANDY sets her bag on the table, takes a moment to flirt with
MACK, crosses to sofa. Sound of static. Then a man's voice.)
RADIO ANNOUNCER
This just in. A fatal crash on the turnpike: well-known career criminal—
SARGE
Meat needs to go in the fridge right away.
MICKEY (intent on listening)
Shut up!
(MACK takes bags, exits to kitchen.)
RADIO ANNOUNCER
--Joey Di Nunzio, better known as “Mad Dog”---
MICKEY
Turn that up!
RADIO ANNOUNCER
--car hit by truckload of used port-a-potties. While we wait for an update, let's hum "Stormy Weather."
MICKEY (overlapping the radio announcer's voice)
Get out here, Mack. We got a problem. Mad Dog ain’t comin'.
MACK (returning)
They caught him?
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Seems Mad Dog had plans to leave the country. Police found a passport.
MICKEY
Check again, buddy. He had three.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
No, he had one. The passport has Joey’s picture, but a different name. Anyone know a Mickey Mancuso?
(FRIEDA shuts it off.)
FRIEDA
You hear that, Mack? One passport and Mickey’s name on it.
MACK (to MICKEY)
You was gonna leave without me?
MICKEY
You pea brain. Mad Dog was plannin’ to kill us and fly out with our money.
FRIEDA
Don’t believe him, Mack.
(LOONY, dressed like a nun, appears at top of stairs)
LOONY (like Julie Andrews)
My world is alive with the sound of---
MICKEY
How’d you – Get down here Sister Maria. Sit in your rocker and stay put. Mack, we gotta make new plans.
MACK
Yeah, we have to go to Mad Dog's funeral.
MICKEY
Are you nuts? Never mind. C'mon, we'll tie up the broads, take Boot’s car and head for Canada.
SARGE
My car?
ELLEN
Can we eat first?
SARGE
I’ll give you bus fare. You’re not taking my car!
MICKEY (clutches his stomach)
Not again!
(hands gun to MACK.)
Keep ’em in line.
(dashes to bathroom)
MACK
What’s the matter with him?
LOONY
He’s getting rid of his family. Tell us, Macky, did you get along with your mommy and daddy?
MACK
I don't think so. I never met them.
KANDY
What?
MACK
I was an orphan. When I started first grade, Mickey made me his best friend. Then he got into trouble in high school and went to jail for a long long time. I visited him every day, When he got out, he and his cellmate made me a partner to help rob a bank. Mick wants to show Trixie, his nasty sister, that her brother ain’t such a loser after all. He's rich now. Here, let me show you.
(He heads toward briefcase.)
To be continued.
By Spitfire
Background: Two robbers with a briefcase full of money wait for their
partner in a condemned house, inhabited by six female misfits. Three
renters help themselves to money when the briefcase is left unguarded.
A snowstorm has stranded their getaway man. Then a car accident kills
him. The ladies keep busy trying to keep the robbers from discovering
they stuffed the case with magazines. Mickey is in the bathroom after a
planted overdose of laxative. MACK is telling the women how he got
involved with Mickey.
MACK
I was an orphan. But Mickey made me his best friend. Then he got into trouble
and went to jail. I visited him every day, so he and his cellmate Mad Dog made
me a partner after they got out. That was nice ’cause now we’re rich and can
show Trixie that her brother ain’t a loser. You gotta see all our money.
(He turns toward briefcase. KANDY grabs his arms, pulls him
to a quiet corner. During the conversation between MACK and
KANDY, CRYSTAL grabs the briefcase, hands it to FRIEDA who
hides it under the sofa. LOONY pulls it out, tries to fit it in a desk
drawer. CRYSTAL takes it again, crosses to basement door,
tries to open it, looks for key, gives up, puts case back on table just
as MACK kisses KANDY.)
KANDY
I’ll bet you’d like to have a family, Mack. Why don’t you forget about the money,
stay here and settle down with me.
MACK
I can’t do that to my best friend. I sure would like to take you with me though.
KANDY
Your best friend was going to shoot you!
MACK
But he knows now I ain’t gonna steal his money, so we’re still partners.
And friends too.
KANDY
I’d like to be even more than that. You’re real sweet, and I could go for –
you know- a permanent relationship.
MACK
Miss Kandy, I sure do like you too. But I’m not a nice guy. I done a bad thing
helping Mickey rob that bank. And he needs me now to tie you up because I
make the best knots. Don’t be mad, please. Can I give you a little kiss?
KANDY
A kiss would be very nice. But why don’t you give me that gun first. It could go
off by accident.
MACK
No, Mickey would shoot me if I gave this gun to anybody.
(KANDY looks behind her to check progress of briefcase.
CRYSTAL shrugs. )
KANDY
Okay. I’m ready for the kiss.
(MACK plants a kiss on her cheek just as the case finds its
way back to the table.)
MACK
I wisht there was some way I could have both you and the money.
(He returns to case, unlatches one side. ELLEN hustles
over, plants her hand on top. MICKEY returns from hallway,
rushes to ELLEN. )
MICKEY
Get your hands off that case. Gimme the gun, Mack. You broads move back
to the sofa.
MACK
I just wanna take a peek Mick. Please?
MICKEY
Okay, okay. Real quick.
(MACK unlatches the other side. The ladies go into overdrive.)
CRYSTAL
It be bad karma to look at money before you spend it.
FRIEDA
And poor manners to show off your wealth.
ELLEN
I think I forgot to put the top back on the prune juice jar.
(MACK hesitates and looks toward the kitchen.)
KANDY
Mack, you shouldn’t open that briefcase until you’re far far away from here.
MICKEY
Wait a minute! I suspects somethin’s goin’ on here. Go ahead .Unlatch it, Mack.
MACK
But the prune juice—
(MICKEY pushes him aside, opens the case, does a double take.)
MICKEY
What the –
(He dumps magazines out, throws case on the floor.)
MACK
That’s not money.
MICKEY (turning on him.)
And you’re surprised! That case ain’t been outta my sight except when you--.
FRIEDA
But the case was out of your sight, Mack, when you and Sarge
went for groceries.
ELLEN
Frieda! You’re not supposed to tell.
MACK
Tell what? (a beat) Say Mick, is you tryin’ to double cross me?
MICKEY
Think, Pea Brain. I’m the one who told you to open the case!
FRIEDA (egging him on)
Remember, Mack. “There’s no honor among thieves”. Time to fight
back. Here's Modern Maturity.
(Hands magazine to MACK who throws it at MICKEY.) .
CRYSTAL (picking up another)
Big Game Hunting.
(Hands magazine to MICKEY who throws it at MACK.)
LOONY
Mag fight! Mag fight!
(She hands magazines to both of them. SARGE gives
a shrill whistle. Everyone freezes.)
SARGE
Attention! Boys! pick up these magazines now!
(MICKEY recovers, aims his gun at her while MACK picks up,
stacks magazines.)
MICKEY
You ain’t givin’ orders, Boots. Get back on the sofa, you broads.
MACK ( like a little boy tattling on his brother.)
Auntie Boots, when you and me went for groceries, Mickey stole my money.
MICKEY (responding in kind.)
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
(He punches MACK in the arm. This time MACK punches back.)
FRIEDA
Mack cheated, but he never lied.
MICKEY
He’s lying now.
(The two men start slapping hands at each other. )
LOONY
Blood! Blood! Go for broken bones!
(SARGE blows whistle again. The “boys” stop. SARGE picks
up case. )
SARGE
I’ll get to the bottom of this. Ladies, if you know something, ’fess up. Loony?
Crystal? Kandy? Frieda?
(They shake their heads in turn.)
ELLEN
The prune juice is working. I have to go.
(She waddles toward hall.)
SARGE
Freeze, Private Stewman! I want to know where you got that money
for groceries.
ELLEN
I found it.
MICKEY (aims gun at her.)
I want to see what else is in your pockets.
(ELLEN pulls bills from pocket.)
MACK (grabbing them.)
It’s ours, Mick. I recognize them faces. Told you I didn’t take it.
To be continued.
| Author Notes | This is written as a stage play. It's a fast paced farce or exaggerated comedy for those just tuning in. |
By Spitfire
Background: Two robbers with a briefcase full of money wait
for their partner in a condemned house, inhabited by six female
misfits. Three renters help themselves to money when briefcase
is left unguarded. A car accident kills the getaway man. Mickey
opens the case to find the money gone, accuses Mack of a
double cross. The women confess that they stole the money.
Ellen gives up her bills Mickey admits to his partner he was
wrong to accuse him.
MICKEY
Yeah, yeah. Neither one of us took it.
MACK
Friends again?
MICKEY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put the money back in the case.
MACK
I’m glad we’re friends again. You’re the only one I got, Mick.
KANDY
You have me, Mack.
MICKEY
He’s my friend, you floozy. Get your hands off of him.
ELLEN
Slap her. That’s what they do in my soaps.
MICKEY (aiming gun at her)
I’ll slap you. This ain’t even half of what was in that case.
Who else got our money?
KANDY
I don’t. Search me.
(She assumes search position.)
MICKEY (to MACK)
Search her.
MACK
Really?
FRIEDA
Don’t lay a hand on Miss Kane. I’ll tell you the truth. All of us took
money— except Sarge. She knew nothing about it.
LOONY
We need that money more than you bad guys. I have to go back into therapy.
(She jams a thumb into her mouth.)
ELLEN
And I need four operations so I can breathe through nose again.
(She wheezes loudly.)
FRIEDA
I need dental work and new glasses.
KANDY
I need seven veils.
SARGE
I need to fix up this house!
MACK
Gee, Mickey, maybe we ought to let ’em keep it.
MICKEY
Shut up, pea brain. Grab the case and start collectin’.
MACK
Mickey, I don’t like it when you call me that name and tell me to shut up.
KANDY
I would never talk to you like that, Mack.
MICKEY (sarcastic)
You’re right, Mack. I was bein’ rude. I meant to say “Mr. Pea Brain” and
“Please shut up.” Now will you collect the damn money!
(Grinning at his victory, MACK holds case open, crosses
to CRYSTAL.)
CRYSTAL
I gave it to my spirit guide. He hold it ‘til I get to other side.
(MACK crosses to KANDY.)
KANDY
I don’t remember where I put it. We can search my bedroom—together.
LOONY
I stuffed my share in the garbage can.
MICKEY
What!
(Sound of garbage truck O.S.)
FRIEDA (deadpan)
Oh darn. This is collection day.
MICKEY
Mack, get out and check the garbage!
(MACK heads toward door, briefcase in hand.)
LOONY
Wait a minute. I think I put it the basement.
SARGE
The basement? When did you—
LOONY
Yep, it’s definitely in the basement. I put it behind the washing machine.
(MACK heads for the basement.)
SARGE
You can’t go down there! I mean – the rats are vicious. . And- and there's
paint on the wall--with lead.
MICKEY
Only thing down there is a washer and an old freezer with a padlock—.
SARGE
Don’t touch that freezer!
MICKEY
Another order? “Don’t touch the freezer”? ( a beat) Say, a light is comin’
on in my head. I’m thinkin’ maybe you got hidden loot in the basement.
Maybe in the freezer. Go on Mack. Get down and take off that padlock.
MACK
The door’s locked. And the key’s gone.
SARGE
I have the key. And I’ll make sure you don’t get it.
(She takes it from a pocket, starts to put in her mouth.)
FRIEDA
Are you crazy? You’ll choke to death.
(She snatches key, crosses to door,unlocks it.)
SARGE (pleading)
Please don't open the freezer.
(She starts to cry. The women rush to comfort her.)
MICKEY
Okay, Boots. Tell me why not!
SARGE
Because—because the Colonel’s body is in there.
(The women back away.)
MICKEY (backs away too.)
You murdered your husband?
To be conitnued.
By Spitfire
Background: Two robbers with a briefcase full of money wait
for their partner in a condemned house, inhabited by six female
misfits. Three renters help themselves to money when briefcase
is left unguarded. A car accident kills getaway man. Mickey
opens case, finds money gone, accuses Mack of double cross.
The women confess they stole the money. Mickey suspects there
might be more loot in the padlocked freezer in the basement,
He tells Mack to break into it. Frantic landlady Sarge shocks
Everyone by confessing she put her husband in the freezer.
MICKEY
You murdered your husband!
SARGE
No! No! I didn’t kill him.
LOONY
Emergency group therapy. Spill it , Sarge. You had a fight. Pushed him
downstairs. His head hit cement. Craack! Blood oozed from --
SARGE (sobbing)
Stop it, Loony! I loved the Colonel. We never fought. Not once in twenty-seven
years. And we were so excited about finally leaving the military and buying our
own place.A fixer-upper, but it was cheap, and the Colonel loved to paint and
hammer. He worked so hard for three months – too hard. He started painting
the parlor when it happened. Then he-he had a heart attack.
FRIEDA
And you didn’t bury him properly?
SARGE
I couldn’t afford a coffin. So I put him in the freezer, and let everyone
think he’d gone back into the service. He’s very comfortable. I put
a satin pillow under his head and covered him with our honeymoon
blanket.
MICKEY
You telling me you have a corpse in this house?
MACK
Ain’t that against the law?
CRYSTAL
That’s why you wear ze boots. You be living tombstone!
FRIEDA
That’s why you had to take in boarders.
SARGE
It was the only way I could pay the bills. I had to hire someone to fix so
many things.
CRYSTAL
I am thinking it not be good to have rats biting wires in basement. Does
not freezer have electric cord? Good for chewing?
(A knock on the door. They all start.)
MICKEY
Strychnine, check the window.
FRIEDA
It’s that pesky Officer Buddinski again.
SARGE
Do you think he’s suspicious?
FRIEDA
The postman just came too. He’s giving our mail to Buddinski! Buddinski’s
looking through it! What unmitigated gall! Oh, he’s getting ready to knock
again. Stop crying, Sarge. Here-- put a flower in your hair.
(She grabs one from vase.)
OFFICER (O.S.)
Mrs. La Belle, I have something for you.
MICKEY (to SARGE)
Well, ain’t this dandy. I don’t have to worry about no funny stuff now. You don’t
want no cop pokin’ around your house either. But just to be sure, I’m taking
gypsy girl into the kitchen as hostage. Come on, Mack. Grab the briefcase.
(MICKEY grabs CRYSTAL, exits to kitchen. MACK follows
with the case. SARGE wipes her eyes, puts flower in hair,
opens door and becomes flirtatious southern belle.)
SARGE
Officer Buddinski. Twice in one day? I’m beginning to think you have a crush
on me. Whatever would the Colonel think?
OFFICER
Well, you’re right pretty, Ma’am, but I have a special lady already.
SARGE
So why are you all here?
OFFICER
Your wallet, Ma’am. Seems you dropped it at the grocery store this afternoon.
(Takes it from back pocket, hands it to her.)
SARGE
My, oh my. So I did. Who found it?
OFFICER
The cashier. I was buying doughnuts and offered to bring it here..
(Edging way in, he puts his cap on table, sits.)
Mind if I catch my breath a bit? Seem a bit tired, lately. Hello again, ladies.
LADIES (meekly)
Hello.
SARGE
Maybe you’re catching something? You should go home-- right now.
OFFICER
Nah, I’m fine. Just need a doughnut fix. Everything all right here?
LADIES (nod and speak in unison )
Everything’s fine.
OFFICER
That’s good. Mrs. La Belle. I have to tell you the cashier at that store was
a little concerned. Said there was a rough looking fellow trailing after you.
Said he paid the bill.
SARGE
Oh! Um, that would be my cousin. He’s visiting for a couple days.
OFFICER
How nice. I’d like to meet him.
SARGE
Um- he’s indisposed at the moment.
ELLEN
Men and their long sits.
FRIEDA (to Officer)
Is that our mail?
OFFICER
Oh, sorry. All bills, looks like. ‘Cept for this postcard from a cruise line.
(reads) ”One hundred and seven day cruise. Twenty-one thousand and up.”
Wouldn’t it be something to have that kind of money! “ Paris, London,
Rome and more.” A nice escape, huh?
SARGE (weakly)
A perfect escape. When the Colonel gets back, maybe we’ll do some traveling.
OFFICER (handing her the mail)
Ship leaves in two weeks. Card says they still have some vacancies.
(A can drops in the kitchen. The women react. OFFICER
gets up.)
What was that?
(He heads toward kitchen. KANDY grabs his arm)
KANDY
Oh that’s our new tenant. She drops stuff all the time.
LOONY (blocking his path.)
Why aren’t you out looking for those bank robbers? What kind of cop are
you anyway?
SARGE
Loony! You can’t talk to an officer of the law like that.
OFFICER
That’s okay. We all know Miss Tunes has her problems. So nice of you
to take her in when her mother threw her out.
LOONY
She didn’t throw me out! I left because she wanted to bury my only friend
(holds out her Teddy bear) —Mr. Squirrel.
FRIEDA (snorts)
A glorified member of the rat family.
LOONY
Really? Say, maybe he knows the rats in our—
ELLEN
Owwww! My back is killing me. Kandy, can you bring me an extra pillow?
KANDY (ignores her)
So what about those robbers, Officer? We don’t want to keep you from your duties.
OFFICER
We already caught one.
(The ladies react.)
To be continued.
| Author Notes | Previous chapter is paying until Saturday noon. |
By Spitfire
Background: Two robbers hide out in a house inhabited by six female
misfits who mange to steal the money when left unguarded. Forced at
gunpoint to confess, Loony tells robbers to look in the basement. Landlady
Sarge stops them. Her dead husband is packed in the freezer. When Officer
Buddinski shows up, Sarge is frightened he'll discover her cover-up. The
robbers grab Crystal for a hostage and hide in the kitchen. But it seems
the officer showed up to return a wallet. Loony accuses him of not doing his
job. He needs to search for the bank robbers. He reveals shocking news.
OFFICER
We already caught one.
ALL WOMEN PRESENT
One?
OFFICER
Yep. It turned out to be an inside job. The president of the bank stole the
money to cover his gambling debts. Lincoln Washington owed the mob one
million dollars.
KANDY
Lincoln? Now I remember! The man I dated a year ago was president of
Fifth National. I told you the building started with an “F”.
FRIEDA
I don’t understand. Was he one of the men pictured in the paper?
OFFICER
Nah! Washington hired two actors to fake a robbery. The plan was to give
him the money minus twenty thousand for their part.
KANDY
Actors robbed the bank?
OFFICER
That’s what Washington thought. Turns out he hired two ex-cons. They took
off with the money leaving him at the mercy of the mob. So he turned himself in.
KANDY
Poor Linc. He never had luck.
OFFICER
I wouldn’t say that, Miss. He’s better off with us than --
ELLEN
But you didn’t catch the schmucks he hired?
OFFICER
They’re out of the country by now, I suspect. Lincoln heard them talking
about Singapore.
FRIEDA
So they’ll get away with it?
OFFICER
It’s hard to find unmarked money once it reaches a foreign port. Anyway,
the bank’s not worried. They’ll just put in for another bailout.
(O.S. a car honks.)
Gotta move. Give my best to the Colonel next time he calls.
(He exits, forgetting his cap. Sound of car leaving. CRYSTAL
enters, pushed by MICKEY pressing a gun against her back.
MACK follows, trying to straighten a dented can.)
MICKEY
Nice work, you broads. Now we know the cops ain’t lookin’ for us. The money
is ours, free and clear. Mack, start tearin’ this house apart 'til we find every last dime.
MACK ( startled, drops can close to MICKEY'S foot)
Mess up the house? I can’t do that.
(MICKEY jumps to escape the can. CRYSTAL sees her chance,
makes a karate move forcing MICKEY off balance.)
CRYSTAL
Hiiii----ya!
(MICKEY drops gun. She grabs it.)
MICKEY
What the--
CRYSTAL
Put hands in ze air.
(MACK obeys . MICKEY takes a stand.)
MICKEY
You ain’t gonna shoot us.
CRYSTAL
You right, I not have killer instinct, but I know someone who do.
(She hands gun to FRIEDA who aims at MICKEY’S crotch.
He promptly puts up his hands.)
FRIEDA
Not a killer, but I have the instinct to do great damage. Crystal, take off their neckties.
CRYSTAL (removing MICKEY’S tie)
I tie up ze trigger happy one. Loony, you do same to Pea Brain.
FRIEDA (grabs MICKEY’S tie)
No, I want the pleasure of tying Mickey. Loony, you take the gun. Oh, how much
I wanted to do this twenty years ago.
(She hands the gun to LOONY who has great fun pretending to be
a cop. FRIEDA ties up MICKEY. CRYSTAL ties up MACK.)
LOONY
Ka-pow! Ka pow!
MICKEY
Get that away from her before she kills someone!
CRYSTAL
First, we make deal. You robbed a bank, held me hostage scare every lambkin to wits. You build much bad karma, but I let you make it up. We let you free, but keep money.
FRIEDA
Let them free? To rob another bank? To frighten other helpless women? No, we call the police–
MICKEY
Go ahead. I’ll tell about the body in the freezer. Police can arrest Boots too.
SARGE (sobs)
No!
KANDY
I have a plan. Why don’t we take the money and get on that cruise ship. We’ll take the boys
so they can’t rob any more banks.
SARGE
I can’t leave the Colonel.
(A crackling sound from basement)
MACK
That freezer ain’t gonna be cold much longer. Them rats chewed through the wiring.
FRIEDA
Sarge! That means your husband is thawing!
CRYSTAL
Then we have job to do. We bury Melting Man tonight. He have favorite spot outside?
SARGE
He loved that big oak.
FRIEDA
So does Crabtree’s dog. (picks up legal sized envelope). Maybe you should open this. Looks like a foreclosure notice.
SARGE (tears it open, peruses, announces in a quavering voice)
We have to be out of here in two weeks.
To be Continued.
| Author Notes | The previous chapter pays until Tuesday, 2 P.M. |
By Spitfire
Background: Two robbers hide out in a house inhabited by six female misfits who mange to steal the money when left unguarded. Forced at gunpoint to confess, Loony tells robbers to look in the basement. Landlady Sarge stops them. Her dead husband is packed in the freezer. When Officer Buddinski shows up, Sarge is frightened he'll discover her cover-up. The robbers grab Crystal for a hostage and hide in the kitchen. But the officer showed up to return a wallet and the mail which includes an ad for a six- month cruise. He also reveals the police now suspect the thieves are out of the country and can't be traced. After he leaves, MICKEY sees himself as a free man, but he has to find the money. CRYSTAL finds a chance to kick the gun out of his hand. FRIEDA and KANDY tie the men up and make plans to bury FRIEDA'S husband in the backyard. Then SARGE opens up an official letter concerning her run-down house.
SARGE
We have to be out in two weeks!
KANDY (holding the ad)
Look, this cruise leaves in two weeks! And they have four cabins left. We have the cash to go. Madame Crystal, this is –
CRYSTAL
Destiny!
FRIEDA
Sorry ladies. I- I can't use hot money. Stealing is stealing.
KANDY
Think of it as helping the economy. We need to buy lots of new clothes.
CRYSTAL
Think of it as helping those tiny servants. They need tips to support big families back home.
ELLEN
Think of it as extended unemployment benefits for the next ten years.
LOONY
Think of it as social security while it’s still around.
MICKEY
You broads are nuts. A million dollars won’t last a year among six of you.
CRYSTAL
I make more money winning Bingo.
KANDY
I’ll get a job in the casino.
LOONY
I’ll sing. And Frieda, you can dance with veils.
ELLEN
I can’t go on any cruise. What about my pills, my shots, my throbbing legs? Alfred's ashes? Can I take them?
CRYSTAL
Big Lady Lambkin, you bury Alfred with ze Colonel. Not healthy to keep asses in room.
LOONY (to Ellen)
If you say good-bye to Alfred, I’ll say good-by to Mr. Squirrel. (takes the bear, throws him down basement stairs) Time for family reunion. Wheeee!
SARGE
The sea air will be good for you, Ellen.
MICKEY
I ain't livin' on no boat. I’d be throwing up every day.
FRIEDA
Good! That’s what I did the whole year you were in my class. Count me in, ladies. We leave in two weeks and take the boys.
KANDY
I want Mack for a roommate.
MICKEY
Mack stays with me.
MACK
Uh,uh. I’m staying with Miss Kane.
LOONY
Crystal and me can share a cabin.
ELLEN
Who’s going to room with me? I don’t want Frieda.
SARGE
I’ll move in with you, Ellen. Frieda can share with Mickey.
MICKEY and FRIEDA
No way!
KANDY
Why not? You have a lot in common. You both hate musicals and –
FRIEDA
I can teach him proper English! It could work out. But I have principles. I won’t live with a man unless we’re married.
CRYSTAL
There be chaplain on ship.
MICKEY
I’m gonna throw up!
(A knock at the door. Everyone freezes.)
OFFICER (O.S.)
Mrs. La Belle? I forgot my cap.
MICKEY (enthused)
Great! I’m turnin’ myself in!
(Grabs the cap and heads for the door.
SARGE steps in front of him.)
SARGE
But-but I have the Colonel—
(MICKEY shoves her aside.)
MICKEY
I ain’t tellin’ about your corpse. But I also ain’t gettin’ hitched to Frigid Face.
(Takes another step toward door. KANDY steps in front of him.)
KANDY
I don't want Mack to go to prison.
MICKEY
You go ahead and marry Mack. I’m just turnin’ me in. There’s no way Strychnine’s gonna make me her husband.
(Shoves her aside and is almost at door when LOONY calls out)
LOONY
Bet that nasty sister Trixie would be impressed if you married your teacher.
(MICKEY stops in his tracks.)
KANDY
Yeah, it would show Trixie you’re not a loser.
CRYSTAL
Ooh, imagine her face be green with the envy when you mail pictures of wedding—
(FRIEDA takes off her glasses and shoes, lets down her hair.
She's actually attractive.)
FRIEDA (to MICKEY)
And photos of us in Paris, London, and Florence with David.
MACK
Bet Trixie would brag about you to the President.
MICKEY
You think? (He pauses, then tosses the cap to SARGE, and crosses to FRIEDA.)
Guess what, Tight Buns. We just got engaged.
(FRIEDA unwraps the scarf around her neck, begins a
seductive dance. while SARGE opens the door slightly
and gives the officer his cap.)
FINAL CURTAIN
| Author Notes | In stage plays, it's a no-no to include too much parenthetic actions and emotions. Directors and actors like to interpret the play and make it "their own". |
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