Stuck on John
Drugs and crime .. first few pages of novel8 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I feel intoxicated just reading your post with all those drugs and alcohol floating around and I might need to lie down in a minute as the room is spinning! A fine start to your novel and I wish you luck, love Dolly x
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I feel intoxicated just reading your post with all those drugs and alcohol floating around and I might need to lie down in a minute as the room is spinning! A fine start to your novel and I wish you luck, love Dolly x
Comment Written 29-Apr-2024
Comment from phill doran
Hello Herb,
This is a great start - really atmospheric and engaging the reader from the first line. This is well worth developing further, in my opinion.
There are some great images and lines "Devoured the wine in the blood." for example.
I do think that you are going to need to pay more attention to the detail - not of the story, but of the actions of writing. This sentence is confusing : "...There was nothing left when with a great(,) wrenching(,) sinewy rip(,) the body's bread parts(,) like Velcro(,) ever smaller and smaller..." (and remove the extra space between 'the' and 'room'. The real challenge with this sentence is the articulation of it. I get the idea of bread and wine but, without the punctuation (and even with it), I had great difficulty with "the body's bread parts like Velcro" (which reads as if some parts of the body are bread, and that these 'bread parts' are somehow like Velcro(!)...) and I needed to read it several times to unravel your intention. ("...the body's bread pulls apart, like" / "...the body's bread cleaves, like" something to make the meaning clear.)
"...from being in this room" he might of said..." (I think this should be "...might have said...")
"...Heroin a.k.a Bobby Brown a.k.a Bobby..." you need a final full stop after the second 'a' : a.k.a. This paragraph needs to be closed up too, you've put a line break right in the middle of it at "...Stamped across it(.) Something in Chinese writing..."
But, I do not wish to detract from your idea - I would encourage you to go further with this. Getting from 700 words to 70,000 is a task, but this reads like you have a whole world sketched out in your head already.
cheers - I wish you well with your continued writing.
phill
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2024
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Hello Herb,
This is a great start - really atmospheric and engaging the reader from the first line. This is well worth developing further, in my opinion.
There are some great images and lines "Devoured the wine in the blood." for example.
I do think that you are going to need to pay more attention to the detail - not of the story, but of the actions of writing. This sentence is confusing : "...There was nothing left when with a great(,) wrenching(,) sinewy rip(,) the body's bread parts(,) like Velcro(,) ever smaller and smaller..." (and remove the extra space between 'the' and 'room'. The real challenge with this sentence is the articulation of it. I get the idea of bread and wine but, without the punctuation (and even with it), I had great difficulty with "the body's bread parts like Velcro" (which reads as if some parts of the body are bread, and that these 'bread parts' are somehow like Velcro(!)...) and I needed to read it several times to unravel your intention. ("...the body's bread pulls apart, like" / "...the body's bread cleaves, like" something to make the meaning clear.)
"...from being in this room" he might of said..." (I think this should be "...might have said...")
"...Heroin a.k.a Bobby Brown a.k.a Bobby..." you need a final full stop after the second 'a' : a.k.a. This paragraph needs to be closed up too, you've put a line break right in the middle of it at "...Stamped across it(.) Something in Chinese writing..."
But, I do not wish to detract from your idea - I would encourage you to go further with this. Getting from 700 words to 70,000 is a task, but this reads like you have a whole world sketched out in your head already.
cheers - I wish you well with your continued writing.
phill
Comment Written 28-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2024
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This was helpful. Thank you. Got to 60,000 words first try. This is attempt no. 2 ?. Thanks again.
Comment from tfawcus
The punchy short sentences and sentence fragments add to the feeling of disorientation. The scene is graphic and the tension between the two characters evident both in their conversation and in the lad's thoughts. A few grammatical bloopers, but you may want to leave those until the editing stage. Here, I think you might have meant "masslessness" The dust and the massless rotating with the earth.
Great closing comparison!
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The punchy short sentences and sentence fragments add to the feeling of disorientation. The scene is graphic and the tension between the two characters evident both in their conversation and in the lad's thoughts. A few grammatical bloopers, but you may want to leave those until the editing stage. Here, I think you might have meant "masslessness" The dust and the massless rotating with the earth.
Great closing comparison!
Comment Written 27-Apr-2024
Comment from Mark Jackson
This narrative is a haunting exploration of addiction, despair, and the human capacity for self-destruction. It is a visceral and uncompromising portrayal of a world defined by pain and desperation, probably leaving a lasting impression on me long after the final word is read.
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This narrative is a haunting exploration of addiction, despair, and the human capacity for self-destruction. It is a visceral and uncompromising portrayal of a world defined by pain and desperation, probably leaving a lasting impression on me long after the final word is read.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2024
Comment from joann r romei
The tragedy of addiction, It is an afflicting, crippling condition although they say its a disease, most disease have medication management, there isn't for addiction, I pray for those who are afflicted.
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The tragedy of addiction, It is an afflicting, crippling condition although they say its a disease, most disease have medication management, there isn't for addiction, I pray for those who are afflicted.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2024
Comment from A.C. Goldman
Great job. I am intrigued to find out more where this is going which is the point, isn't it? I am curious why it's "the lad", without a name of any kind, though. That sort of seems out of place to me. It's a style choice I amnnot used to but I think it would be good to explain why he is referred to that way...
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Great job. I am intrigued to find out more where this is going which is the point, isn't it? I am curious why it's "the lad", without a name of any kind, though. That sort of seems out of place to me. It's a style choice I amnnot used to but I think it would be good to explain why he is referred to that way...
Comment Written 27-Apr-2024
Comment from Julie Helms
This feels like an inside look at the effect and power of addiction on a person. You have some really unique descriptions in this story.
Part of this seems exceptionally well written, and parts seem like it is a draft in progress:
. * (a (the hag, a witch. ) smackhead is sat in corner testing it. Merge the dream and reality ... maybe the smackhead is a figment of his imagination (his mum).. his conscious. Dead family member)*
You switch from past to present tense in the middle of the first paragraph. You should keep the tense consistent throughout.
he might of said.
(he might have said)
I think with some polishing up this could be a really excellent and unique story.
Julie
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This feels like an inside look at the effect and power of addiction on a person. You have some really unique descriptions in this story.
Part of this seems exceptionally well written, and parts seem like it is a draft in progress:
. * (a (the hag, a witch. ) smackhead is sat in corner testing it. Merge the dream and reality ... maybe the smackhead is a figment of his imagination (his mum).. his conscious. Dead family member)*
You switch from past to present tense in the middle of the first paragraph. You should keep the tense consistent throughout.
he might of said.
(he might have said)
I think with some polishing up this could be a really excellent and unique story.
Julie
Comment Written 23-Apr-2024
Comment from royowen
I have tasted the bitter taste of addiction, there's nothing worse than serving those demonic harbingers of doom that afflict their victim making them useless to themselves and compassion, beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
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I have tasted the bitter taste of addiction, there's nothing worse than serving those demonic harbingers of doom that afflict their victim making them useless to themselves and compassion, beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 23-Apr-2024
